Open Adoption Roundtable #18

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Publish your response--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

A quick note before we dig in: you can follow @OpenAdoptBlogs on Twitter to find out when new roundtable prompts go up. You can also browse all of the old roundtable prompts on this handy page.

I try to find prompts that are broad enough for the whole adoption constellation to participate. I'm afraid this one is very parent (first and adoptive) focused. As always, please feel free to adapt it to fit your own experience if you're in a different role.

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?


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The responses:

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Open Adoption Roundtable #17

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--feel free to adapt or expand on them.


Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

From Heather:
The prompt and response roundup for this roundtable are from the fabulous Susiebook! She writes about open adoption, pregnancy after placement, and being a first mom to her one-year old son at Endure for a Night. If you're not reading her thoughtful, honest (and well written) blog already, I definitely recommend it.

We realize the prompt--about the things we hope never to share/never to hear in our open adoptions--might be a little awkward if you don't blog anonymously.  We hope you'll still join in. You could write about something you thought you didn't want to share/have shared that ended up being said, and what that experience was like. Or you could leave an answer in the comments section here. (Please use the "Name/URL" option to comment--you can leave the URL box blank--so we don't have multiple Anonymous-es.)

From Susiebook:
Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I've also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?

***

The responses:


Dawn (adoptive mother) at This Woman's Work: "I have no desire to define Pennie’s adoption experience, ok? I said that and I mean that. But I do desire that Pennie know that she is one rocking woman and a fabulous mother and a survivor (not a victim) of her circumstances.... I also want her to know that regardless of how she feels about her surrender of Madison and my adoption of Madison that there are still things that were wrong."

Brandy (first mother and adopted adult) at Our Life in the Desert: "I guess, the basic answer is that I don’t talk about the bad stuff – or stuff that could be confused as bad. I find I’m not often honest about my feelings related to certain topics, like never getting pictures…"

JNBJourney (adoptive mother) at Our Story: "So far, we have been very reserved as our relationship is starting. I truly pray that as time passes, we will continue to grow our relationship and that we never encounter something we feel we need to not share with Dom’s BPs."


Cindy.psbm (first mother): "Anyways, the thing I currently wouldn't want my sons adoptive parents to really really know about would be that I do share some pictures of him on a private forum(for first/birthmoms only)and that I share about my frustrations about them there as well."

Jess (adoptive mother) at The Problem With  Hope: "We share pretty much everything from our end...we've been honest with how I GOT pregnant (IVF) and why we were pursing both (cause we wanted both!) and we see them often enough that they know how we parent and what goes on around here."

I am (first father) at Statistically Impossible: "I don't want the other triad members to know how the adoption plan and current adoption relationship effected the relationships I have with my immediate family."

Andy (adopted adult and adoptive mother) at Today's the Day!: "For me the very first obvious thing that came to mind was coming out to Iris, my first mother. We had not been in 'reunion' very long, she had been very hesitant to have any contact with me at all and I wasn't sure how she would take to finding out that the little baby she placed for adoption had grown up to be a lesbian."

Spyderkl (adoptive mother) at Evil Mommy: "School Girl’s life before she met us is really none of my business. It sounds a little callous, and it’s a hard thing for me to say, but it’s not my story. It’s School Girl’s, and I hope she gets to hear it when she can truly understand and appreciate that story. All of it, from the day she was born to the day she was placed with us. But as her parent, it’s none of my business. I really don’t need to know."

Rredhead (adoptive mother) at Adoption.com: "There are things we don’t tell Jack. We will someday, when it’s age-appropriate, but he doesn’t know them now. I won’t tell anyone else before I tell Jack, so you don’t get to know either. These are things like why his birth father didn’t meet him – he knows that K didn’t meet him, but doesn’t know why that is."


Alyssa (adoptive mother) at A+A Adopt a Baby: "But there is a part of my story that sometimes I wish I could hide, and feel quite private about. It is the part where we sought medical help to get pregnant. I don't like to think about those experiences very much, and I struggle with feelings of regret that we even went there."

DrSpouse (prospective adoptive parent) at What Am I?: "We don't have our adoption yet but one of the things I've thought about a lot is how much to share with future children about our miscarriages. And if we have an open relationship with our child's biological parent(s) then this is something we'll need to share, or decide not to/how much to share with them. "


Thanksgivingmom (first mother) at I Should Really Be Working: "I suppose that I don’t really share any of the ugly parts with Dee. How hard it can be leading up to a visit, after a visit, in general. I do this not because I choose to keep that side from her, but more because I’ve taken her hints that she’s not into hearing about that."

Susiebook (first mother) at Endure for a Night: "Originally I planned to say that I don’t want Ruth and Nora to know that I regret placing Cricket, but I’m not actually sure that that’s true. I don’t want them to know if they don’t want to know, but I do kind of want them to know—more than that, I want them to want to know."

Sara (adoptive mother) at Unofficial Mom: "There aren't things I purposely hide from my daughter's birthparents. There are things, however, that I don't feel compelled to share."

Deathstar44 (adoptive mother) at A Woman My Age: "I’m not proud of the fact that we check out K’s birthmom’s social page from time to time to see how she’s doing; or more accurately, to find out if she’s told us one thing and she’s doing something completely different. Mind you, there’s a reason for the distrust."

Sarah Buttenwieser (adoptive mother) at Standing in the Shadows: "I don’t want to compromise the love and trust we share. At the same time, I want to put this idea into the world: that adoption comes with inherent challenges and inexorable sadness and huge gifts. I can’t do that without sharing the why of believing all this to be true."

Ginger (first mother) at Shattered Glass: "You can’t unbreak an egg. And so I’ve reaffirmed for myself why I should keep secrets secret. Keep my inner thoughts to myself. Here on the blog, it will do no harm. In the safety of the counselor’s office, I can feel free to say what’s on my mind, even if it’s jumbled. Beyond that, I should keep my big mouth shut. It’s safer."

Jenna (first mother) at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land: "But really, I’m otherwise an open book. My daughter’s mom knows things about me that most people do not. I trust her with my firstborn; surely I can trust her with my inner most secrets."

Open Adoption Roundtable #16

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking  back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

I found a version of this prompt in a set of questions written by a social worker for parents in open adoptions. As always, feel free to adapt it to your personal situation; if you grew up in an open adoption, you could look back on your actual experience.

Imagine your child as an adult describing their open adoption experience. What do you hope they will be able to say about you? How did you view their other parents? In what ways did you support their relationship with them?

One note: I deliberately avoided asking you to imagine how your grown child feels about their open adoption experience. Adoptees of all ages regularly report having more than enough people (i.e. any) telling them how they should feel about adoption. This is an exercise in thinking about our actions and choices from another's perspective.

The responses:

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Open Adoption Roundtable #15

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

Has everyone recovered from the Interview Project? Ready to start up the roundtable again? I hope so, because I've had some really intriguing topic suggestions sent in lately.

The prompt for this round comes from the very dear mama2roo of Letters to a Birthmother:

Does money have an impact on your open adoption? If so, how? (Could be issues pre- or post-placement, expectations, assumptions, costs of visit activities, travel, gifts--you name it.)

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Open Adoption Roundtable #14

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

For this round Lori of Weebles Wobblog reached back through time to a post I wrote lo these many months ago after spending an afternoon with my daughter's first mom. In it, I wondered aloud if there was a common definition of a successful open adoption. Is it even possible to define, given the myriad factors involved? Here's how Lori poses the question:

If there's one thing we all might agree on, it's that we'd like our open adoptions to be successful. But what does "success" mean to you, when speaking about open adoption? Do you think it may mean something else to the others in your triad?

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Open Adoption Roundtable #13

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

Note from Heather: I'm happy to turn this round over to the wonderful Andy of Today's the Day!, whose compassionate insight I've welcomed over the years. Andy knows adoption from two perspectives: she is an adoptive mom to six-year old Liam and an adoptee who reunited with her first mother in adulthood. Today she has us thinking about what to do when perspectives clash in open adoption. It's a hard topic, isn't it? I know I often hear of loved ones disagreeing about how much openness is too much (or too little). If you've experienced this in your open adoption(s), I hope you'll participate, even if you don't feel like you have any answers yet. Sometimes just knowing other people have similar experiences can be encouragement enough.

***
Andy:

We often hear about open adoptions where the two sides don't want the same level of openness. First mothers who don't get updates as often as they would like, or not as many visits each year. Or adoptive parents who want to include their child's first mother in his life, but she is not ready.

But what we don't often discuss is when people on the same side of the triad can't agree on the level of openness in an adoption.

• It could be a wife who wants a fully open adoption but the husband only wants to send letters once a year.
• Or a first mother isn't ready for an open adoption but the first father wants to be part of the baby's life.
• Maybe a spouse isn't supportive of their partner entering into reunion with their first mother.
• Or a partner who came along after the adoption and isn't comfortable with your relationship with your placed child.
• And the classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario: Your mother-in-law is convinced that the baby will be snatched away from under your nose if you have an open adoption.

How would/do you navigate these situations? Does your current relationship impact the type of open adoption that you have? How does this affect your current relationship?

***


The Responses:

• Thanksgivingmom @ I Really Should be Working shares with us how Open Adoption affects her current relationships with people in her life who don't even know about the adoption yet.



• Andy @ Today's the Day explores how 2 people with different life experiences can come together as a couple when discussing Open Adoption.



• Tammy @ You Just Never Know Where Hope Might Take Ya discusses how having her and her husband on the same page with their Open Adoption has helped their extended families build relationships with their child's first family.



• Jess @ The Problem with Hope looks at how it can be difficult to explain Open Adoption to people who have no experience with it at all.



• Susie @ Endure for a Night talks about how placing her child for adoption" has effectively ended my relationship with that side of the family" and that her husband (who is also the child's first father) isn't always ready to look at pictures when they receive them



• KatjaMichelle @ Therapy is Expensive shares how she navigated open adoption with her child’s first father, both while they were still together, and after they broke up. She also examines how subsequent relationships have been affected by adoption.



• Rebeccah @ Chasing a Child is disputing the level openness with a twist… she is disputing with herself.



• Robyn @ Adoption.com’s Domestic Infant adoption blog feels like she is hiding the fact that her son is a big brother because her family isn’t understanding of Open Adoption



• Spyderkl @ Evil Mommy has had “less then enthusiastic {response} about sharing identifying information” from both family and social worker. Go read how she has navigated that and has an open adoption today.



• Ginger @ Shattered Glass and her current SO, who is also the children’s bio-father, have “polar opposite” feelings about how to handle open adoption.



• shannan @ Joe And Sha Blog writes a post about all the wonderful things that open adoption has given her, her children and the children’s first mothers. She shares these stories to help the people in her life understand that OA isn’t something to be afraid of.



• Maura @ Adoption Journey expresses her frustration of always having to educate people that Birthmother’s are not all plotting on how to steal the baby back just because they have an open adoption.



• A @ A+A Adopt a Baby has an amazing community of friends and family, that may not fully understand or agree with Open Adoption, but they respect A+A’s choices.

• Meghann @ Adoption.com's Open Adoption Blog shares how she invites discussion about open adoption, even with those who disagree, to help "the person understands this life we’ve chosen a little better."

• Anonadoptee @ The adopted Feminist was one of the children in the first legally binding open adoptions in the UK. Now as an adult, she offers invaluable wisdom and thought into how her open adoption ended up being all about the adults, and not about the children. She offers this great insight: "I guess the point of this post is make sure you know what your children want."

Open Adoption Roundtable #12

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

A number of bloggers have written about their open adoption resolutions or hopes for the coming year, but Debbie gets credit for suggesting it as a roundtable topic. And a great suggestion it is! Open adoption is all about relationships, after all. Most every relationship can benefit from periodically taking a step back and thinking about emotional or practical changes we'd like to make as we care for others and ourselves.

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices--how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

The responses:

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Open Adoption Roundtable #11

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

An open-ended prompt this round, because it's always interesting to see where each of us takes it:

Write about open adoption and the holiday season.

Previously written posts work, too.

***

Adoptive mother Spyderkl at Evil Mommy contrasts an awkward first Christmas with her daughter and their extended families with a warm celebration with her daughter's grandparents by birth.

Adoptive mother Jess at The Problem With Hope says that adding another family to the holiday mix creates some extra busy-ness, but also a lot of extra fun.

Adoptive mother Mama2Roo at Letters to a Birthmother says that the ritual of gift giving reflects the way open adoption enables her son's first family to be a real presence in his life.

First mother Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land shares how the holidays and and her daughter's birthday are forever intertwined, raising a swirl of emotions each December.

On the first anniversary of surrendering her son, first mother Susiebook at Endure for a Night reflects on how difficult the holiday seasons have been in an otherwise positive open adoption.

First mother Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working says adoption adds layers complexity and confusion to the holiday season.

Adoptive mother Andy from Today's the Day! tells the story of her son picking out gifts for siblings who don't know he exists.

Adoptive mother Robyn at the Adoption.com domestic adoption blog explores the tension in giving--or not giving--gifts when there are economic differences between adoptive and first families.

As she looks forward to a holiday visit with the teen she may adopt, Thorn at Mother Issues begins to think about how they can be working on openness with his family even now.

First mother Leah at O Momma Writes celebrates the holiday traditions she's created with her daughter's adoptive family over the last five years.

Adoptive mother Kris at My First Gray Hair considers the the possible meanings in the shifting contact with her daughter's first mom.

First mother KatjaMichelle at Therapy Is Expensive imagines her son's Christmas with his adoptive family, while aching over his missing spot in her own family's traditions.

First mother Jenni at Confessions of a Mean Girl Turned Mommy faces her first Christmas in an open adoption, writing that it is like "dancing on a tightrope."

First mother Valerie at From Another Mother wonders how to pick the perfect presents for her son and his adoptive parents.

Open Adoption Roundtable #10

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

***
A note from Heather: I'm thrilled to announce that this round will be hosted (faciliated? edited? curated?) by Thanksgivingmom of I Should Really Be Working. Thanksgivingmom placed her daughter for adoption three years ago this month. Her blog is a gem; she has that rare combination of strong opinions crossed with sensitivity to other adoption plane members. I always enjoy her thoughtful posts about working out her identity as a first mom and what it has been like for her to build an open adoption after the fact (she wasn't involved in choosing her daughter's adoptive mother and didn't meet her until after the placement).

And now I'll turn the floor over to Thanksgivingmom...

***

This is a topic that is very timely for me (Thanksgivingmom) right now, but is something that all of us in open adoption deal with at least once during the year: birthdays.

I know that birthdays can be an extremely emotional time, for everyone connected to adoption, not just those of us in open adoptions. So what is it that we do, as part of our open adoptions, during the “birthday season”?

Our experiences on this are so diverse, that I don’t want to limit your responses to one specific question. BUT, since some of us (like me!) sometimes like the specific questions, here are a few that have been rattling around in my brain as my daughter’s third birthday approaches:

• What do you/your family do to integrate open adoption and birthday celebrations?
• What do you wish you would see in future birthday celebrations re: involvement with your child’s adoptive parents/birth parents?
• Do you have an open adoption agreement that requires contact on/around birthdays?
• How does that agreement affect you? Do you wish it were different? Do you wish that you did have an agreement that requires such contact?
• If you do not have contact around birthdays, do you do something private to honor birthdays?
• If you’re an adoptee, how were birthdays celebrated in your family with regards to open adoption?
• How do you wish they would have been celebrated?
• And anything else you can think of!

***


Barely Sane (adoptive Mom) @ Infertility Licks writes: "Again, MG is too young to really "get it" just yet but as time goes on, the timing of these gifts will not go unnoticed and I think it will be significant for MG to know she isn't forgotten on that day."

Susie (first Mom) @ Endure for a Night writes: (on attending her placed son's birthday party) "If we can’t make it, I would like to call. Of course, that’s not exactly right; in some ways, I want to not call or go or have any kind of contact. I want to grieve and mope and feel sorry for myself. But since I keep reminding myself that this is a child-centered open adoption, I want to want to do the right thing by Cricket."

Jess (adoptive Mom) @ The Problem with Hope writes: "Birthdays are an extremely special and sentimental thing around here....and I don't think that I'd ever want to "separate" her birthday from her birth family (as if that's even possible!!)."

Debbie (adoptive Mom) @ Always and Forever Family writes: (on birthday/holiday visits as part of an open adoption agreement) "Given that M is the quiet type I'm glad we have that established so that we don't have to wonder about a visit around those times. Sure schedules and distance might be an issue but I know we'll always try to visit around Isabel's birthday and Christmas."

Robyn C (adoptive Mom) @ Adoption Blogs writes: "I always think of S as Jack’s birthday grows near. Every year, I remember how we wouldn’t have Jack if it weren’t for S. We wouldn’t be a family without her. I think about what Jack’s life or our lives might be like and shudder."

You Never "Get Over It" (first Mom) writes: "I have often toyed with the idea of having some kind of ritual for his birthday (preferably one that requires me to stay home and NOT go to work), but I just don’t know WHAT. Nothing really brings me any peace about him being gone. I have yet to find any ritual, any ANTHING that makes my soul less raw, my emotions less fragile on his birthday."

Dawn (adoptive Mom) @ This Woman's Work writes: "To me, Madison’s birthdays are very symbolic of the progression of our open adoption. Caution at the beginning. Trying to figure out boundaries. Pennie’s tentative attempts to create her own celebrations. Then finally a merging of our friends/families and public recognition of Pennie’s presence in our family and her relationship to Madison."

Leigh (first Mom) @ Sturdy Yet Fragile writes: "Her birthday, and the fall season/Thanksgiving bring on mixed emotions for me. In many ways I can get upset if I let myself think too much about our couple short days together and the horrible moment when I had to physically hand her over. But for the last few years, I also looked forward to her birthday, as it meant I would soon be receiving an update and some pictures."

Ginger (first Mom) @ Puzzle Pieces: Adoption writes: "The years I haven't...it's not that I don't care. It's that their birthdays are hard for me. It's that picking out a birthday card that's suitably neutral and inoffensive is emotionally exhausting for me. It's not simple. Nothing is simple."

Jenna (first Mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkinland writes: "Birthdays are probably the hardest day of my yearly adoption journey. And yet, at the same time, I welcome them for they mean that my beautiful daughter is another year older. It means that I’ve spent another year getting to know her in various ways. It means that I get to celebrate her presence in my life. I can ignore the general melancholy of the day for the most part if I know that my daughter has remained in my life for yet another year.

Family of Three (adoptive Mom) writes: "Actions speak louder than words, and the fact that FirstMom is setting aside her current challenges to make the effort to be here for Sassy will ring much more clearly than my reminders someday to Sassy that FirstMom does love and care about her."

Open Adoption Roundtable #9

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

This round we're going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard--or perhaps even made--statements like these?

"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."

"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

These statements are from people participating in closed and semi-open adoptions. I paraphrased them slightly, but left the meanings intact.

The writers share a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families--or not--on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn't make such an important and personal decision for them.

What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?

***

Susiebook (first mom) at Endure for a Night: "Your child can’t create familial relationships on his or her own—by leaving it up to the adoptee, you make a relationship impossible at first and then merely difficult, handicapped by the years spent in the dark."

Ginger (first mom) at Puzzle Pieces: "I think when parents say this, they usually mean something like,'We can't decide if openness is good or bad so we just won't decide now. Instead, we'll push these adult decisions off on a child.'"

Elly (adoptive mom): "I get the feeling that too many a-parents who are fixed on a closed or semi-open adoption are doing it because they aren't comfortable with the child's birthfamily. But his (our son's) birthfamily is his family. I don't want him to be afraid to be curious, or interested. Or surprised. Or try to figure out himself how to 'make contact'."

KatjaMichelle (first mom) at Therapy Is Expensive: "All in all adults are uncomfortable with open adoption because its a foreign concept and if we raise our children to view it as an unusual occurance they will be uncomfortable with it as well. If we raise them to know that differences in families are normal, that they have extended family connects that their friends may not, they can grow up embracing all of who they are."

Leigh (first mom) at Sturdy Yet Fragile: "My initial reaction is that I can't disagree entirely with these statements. I think that they represent a fair argument, which is to say that a child may not be mature enough to fully comprehend such complicated relationships as are present in open adoptions. However, from what I've read from several families participating in fully open adoptions, there seems to be an organic level of understanding, and of love, that takes place for the child, even if he or she does not have the adult words or labels to explain those relationships."

Rachel (adoptive mom) at Henry Street: "I truly have some mixed feelings when it comes to full openness, but I would never dismiss it as bad for the kids. Adoption is complicated, period."

Dawn (adoptive mom) at This Woman's Work: "Well, obviously I disagree. And these kinds of arguments drive me crazy."

Valerie (first mom) at From Another Mother: "At first, I'm not really going to have a choice whether [a hypothetical aunt is] in my life--and I'm probably not going to care. However, it's still my choice whether to have a relationship with her. I still get to decide--whether consciously or un--whether I like her or not. My parents may dictate how often I see her as I grow up, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go out of my way to talk to her or bond with her. It's my choice. And as I get older, the choice becomes more and more my own."

Barely Sane (adoptive mom) at Infertility Licks: "Bonds are formed over time. It will take time for MG's birth family and myself to form a relationship that all parties are comfortable with. We need that time now, while MG is still too young to recognize the awkwardness of it."

Luna (adoptive mom) at Life From Here: "To those who say that contact would be confusing for the child, I fail to see how spending time among family would be any more confusing than trying to understand later why your parents never made that option available, if it was possible."

Shmode (adoptive mom) at Frogged Mind: "I do not look down upon those that have decided against open adoption as it is more than just the best interest of the child at stake. I’m sure a lot of people will disagree, but the adoption itself isn’t solely a single individual’s life experience. There are a mass of people surrounding the child that are affected on a daily basis by his or her presence, so you cannot tell me that a serious decision like this should only consider the needs of the child and the child alone and ignore the persons that will surround him in his daily life for years to come."

Lavender Luz (adoptive mom) at Weebles Wobblog: "We do better to normalize our children's adoption from as early as possible. Our children come to us living in a gap between their biology and their biography. The sooner this schism is addressed and the less spread open the cleft is, the more likely it is to heal well and completely. Integration of the two parts of an adopted child's identity should, in my mind, be the responsibility of the decision-makers (parents) from Day 1 with their new child."

Andy (adoptee/adoptive mom) at Today's the Day!: "Mine was a closed adoption, so this is mostly theoretical. But I would have been PISSED if I had found out as an adult that my parents had either known my first family, knew how to contact them or kept them from me in any way."

Sustainable Families (adoptee): "Taking a quick glance over at open adoption research over at the Adoption Institute, we find that their conclusion seems to be that semi-open adoption is in fact, the hardest. Going on adecdotal evidence, I would agree. Semi-open adoptions and open adoptions with limited contact are, I believe, harder for children and biological parents"

Open Adoption Roundtable #8

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

One common thread running through the last batch of roundtable posts was that, even though balancing privacy concerns can be challenging, we keep blogging about adoption because the connections we make are worth the challenges.

Blogging at its best is a conversation. An interaction between writers and readers who comment or even just mull over a post long after reading it. A paper journal gives you privacy, but it can never challenge your ideas or give you insight into another perspective. It never offers support in a difficult moment. Blogging--or rather, the people reading and writing those blogs--can.

There are people inside my computer--strangers--whose words have made a difference in my family's adoptions. That probably sounds nutty to those outside the blog world, but it's true. And I bet the same is true for many of you. In this round, I thought it would be interesting to recognize some of those people. Because I bet a lot of those folks don't even realize the effect they've had on us.

Write about a blogger (or bloggers) who influenced your real-life open adoption, and how. It might be someone who became an offline friend who supports and challenges you. Or a writer who makes you uncomfortable, but gets you thinking. Maybe a blogger who doesn't even know you are reading. Tell us about them and how they've affected you.

***

Adoptive mom Jenn Mc says Thanksgivingmom made her more aware of her own actions toward her child's birth mom.

Prospective adoptive parent Prabha at Baby Steps to a Baby Dream tells how stumbling onto Clio in an internet search completely changed her mind about open adoption.

Prospective adoptive parent Thorn at Mother Issues describes how an encounter with Dawn's family changed her partner's view of her decades-old adoption.

Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy shares how her friendship with Barb of Cigarettes and Coffee helped her keep the door open, even when it seemed like no one walked through it.

Adoptive mom Cynthia at In the Night Kitchen recalls turning to the internet to help her get over her fears--and finding This Woman's Work.

Adoptive mom Rredhead at the Adoption.com Open Adoption Blog rounds up her favorite first mom and adoptive mom blogs, plus two group blogs.

First mom Ginger of Puzzle Pieces finds parallels between her oldest daughter and Madison, insight into the adoption process at Hoping for Another Little One and Parenthood Path, and an example of the sort of cooperation open adoption requires at The Great Surro Adventure.

First mom Amstel of Amstel Life shares some of her favorite positive adoption blogs, while noting that it's the writers opposed to adoption who have forced her to really come to terms with the "what ifs."

First mom Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile tells how blogs like Weebles Wobblog and Parenthood Path allowed her to see adoptive parents as people and take a chance with her daughter's adoptive parents.

First mom Thanksgivingmom of I Should Really Be Working shares how the words and support of Coco at Mommyhood and Life help her make sense of her own situation.

Adoptive mom and adopted adult Andy at Today's the Day! says writers like M de P, Thanksgivingmom, Jenna and Dawn have helped her cope with the limbo of her family's lopsided adoptions.

First mom and adopted adult Valerie of From Another Mother is inspired by the advocacy of The R House.

Adoptive mom Barely Sane at Infertility Licks says the blogs of first moms like Brown, Thanksgivingmom and Valerie showed her new, practical ways to communicate with her daughter's first family.

Prospective adoptive parent Amy of  Beanie Baby Blog says blogs like Heart Cries, Infertility Licks and Amstel Life have her rethinking their thus far conservative approach to open adoption..

First mom Susiebook at Endure for a Night appreciates the insight This Woman's Work gives her into adoptive parents, credits I Should Really Be Working with grounding her in the midst of her grief, and sees herself in The Happiest Sad.

Prospective adoptive parent Jacksmom at Hoping for Another Little One appreciates Ginger's honest appraisals of her very different open adoptions, my stories of thinking through adoption in our home, and being able to share in the growth of Luna's open adoption relationship from its beginnings.

Adoptive mom Lassie at Eggs Benedict Arnold shares how vital it has been for her to face up to the hard truths found in Not Mother.

Adopted adult Anonadoptee at The Adopted Feminist envisions being one of the first to have grown up in an open adoption to use her experience to support others--and generously opens herself up to questions.

Adoptive parent Sharon at What Else Do We Need? writes about the importance of finding a kindred spirit in Dawn.

Adoptive parent Momosapien joins the (well-deserved) Dawn love train, noting how much she's learned about creating space for conflicting emotions.

Open Adoption Roundtable #7

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

I don't know how this happened, but it's been over a month since our last roundtable. Yikes! September went by faster than I thought. Let's get back to business, shall we?

This round's topic was suggested by adoptive parent blogger Rebecca: privacy, blogging and open adoption. Figuring out boundaries is difficult when you write about your personal life. Any on-blog mention of family, friends or co-workers risks invading their privacy. Bloggers who write about or post pictures of their children are accused of exploitation. Where is the line between your own experience and other people's personal lives? What information is yours to share and what rightfully belongs to someone else?

Add the overlapping relationships of open adoption to the mix and you've got yourself a potential ethical and personal mess. And yet it's impossible to talk about one's open adoption experience without mentioning the people involved.  Where do you draw the lines--on your blog and in your personal life--and why? What, if anything, don't you tell?

***

First mom Ginger at Puzzle Pieces: "I write knowing that the world could be reading."


Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy: "The only thing I care about is that nothing happens to my family because of what I’ve written. It’s so much more difficult in an open adoption, when there are other people not actually living with you who are directly affected by what you might say. It’s caused me to want to stop blogging altogether several times."

First mom SJ at From the Mind of a Bmom: "Part of how I cope is letting my moments of grief and times of joy be useful or encouraging to others. If I change the life of only one person by writing about my experiences then this is worth it (I know that is cliche!)."

First mom Valerie at From Another Mother: "I guess that's the measure I hold to, then--the adoptive mother's level of comfort. Because she is his mother, I think she has the right to decide (even implicitly) what level of privacy we'll all hold to."

First mom Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working: "At the risk of rambling, I wonder if we – on both 'parental' sides of the triad – relinquish some right to 'possess' our stories…"

First mom susie_book at Endure for a Night: "My adult compromise is to say everything–but not to everyone. My blog is a place for me to say everything without hurting anyone, which seems to me like the best of all possible worlds."

Adoptive mom Tracey at Grace Comes By Hearing: "My blog started out as an extension of my journal that I have kept since I was 12."

Adoptive mom Barely Sane at Infertility Licks: "I don't think it's right that folks out in cyberspace get to know all about my life and those that really should be privy to the information are left out."

Prospective adoptive parent A at A+A Adopt a Baby: "...I don't feel the need to be anonymous on the Internet. I find writing here to be an interesting personal discipline and a helpful place to express myself, developing a public life that is authentic, open, and honest without sharing what is actually private."

Prospective adoptive parent Prabha at Baby Steps to a Baby Dream: "To me, the web is unlike the real world. We have to be careful about the footprints we leave for they can live on in perpetuity."

Adoptive mom Shmode at Random Musings of a Frogged Mind: "I can’t.  I can’t seriously post a single thing about her, or our, situation that would in any way harm her."

Adoptive mom Luna at Life From Here: "I feel the need to be authentic in telling my own story, but this must be balanced with the need to protect my family, including Baby J and her family of origin."

Adoptive mom Lavonne at Eyes Wide Open: "To keep everything to ourselves creates more suspicion and mystery about adoption than needed. And as it is, there are already too many adoption related myths that we need to work to debunk."

Adoptive mom Heather at Production, Not Reproduction: "Even though I hide my blog away, I've always written with the assumption that everyone I know will one day read it."

Prospective adoptive parent Linda at Karlinda: "If we continue to write any form of ‘open’ open adoption blog, you may well find you don’t recognise us."

Prospective adoptive parent Thorn at Mother Issues: "So am I blogging from the closet? Are we out here? I guess my answer would be that we’re out as much as we need to be. "

Open Adoption Roundtable #6

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

Since the topic has been stirred up a bit and I've seen posts popping out here and there:

Write about names/naming and open adoption.

You're all smart, creative cookies, so I'll leave the prompt at that. If you want to use a previously written post, just edit it to include a link to the roundtable.

***

First mom Ginger at Puzzle Pieces: "I was terrified that insisting on the naming issue, or even giving my opinion on the naming issue would chase away the parents I wanted...and so with much regret, I gave that up."

Adoptive mom Debbie B at Always and Forever Family: "I still get a bit teary eyed when I think about our daughter having both her mother's middle names. I hope that it will feel like a bond to both of us one day for Isabel."

Adoptive mom Tracey at Grace Comes by Hearing: "Richard and I had chosen a boy's name long before Samuel was ever even thought of."

Adoptive mom M de P at Reservado Para Futura Mamá: "I think back now and part of me wonders whether or not there should be more counseling around naming - for both adoptive parents and first parents....It's not that I feel she may have felt pressure give us that option, but I just wonder if she had had more time to think about it, talk to someone about it, would she have preferred something else??"

First mom KatjaMichelle at Therapy is Expensive: "Maybe he will grow up and resent that for a few days he had another name. Maybe he will confirm that it was selfish on my part to name him. Maybe he’ll enjoy that for a few days he shared a name with this first father and grandfather. I didn’t know the right thing then, and I don’t know it now."

Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy: "When I told my sister about School Girl’s original name, her reaction was, 'My God! You don’t even get to give her a name?' I’m guessing that would have been mild in comparison to the reaction of…others."

Adoptive mom Dawn of This Woman's Work at Anti-Racist Parent: "I wanted our daughter to know that we welcomed her, the child she was before she met us. Changing her name seemed like a symbol of wanting to change her." (The comments to that post are worth a read, too.)

First mom SJ at From the Mind of a Bmom: "I didn't want to become attached even more to my child by giving him a name and I justified that stance by saying it wasn't my child anyway. Now I look back and wish that I had taken a little more interest in the subject so one day I can tell Cory that I participated in giving him his name."

Prospective adoptive parent A at A+A Adopt a Baby: "Our child's first mother may want to give her baby something that will stay with him or her forever, like a name."

Adoptive mom Karen at Clio: "There is really only one thing I can think of to write about this topic: we ran our name ideas by both couples and seriously considered their input."

Adoptive mom CubanaYogini: "Even though I encouraged D to choose her own name, I have to confess that at the time, I was grateful that she declined."

First mom Britney at Beauty For Ashes: "Since it would be an open adoption, I started introducing him as C right after birth… at least publicly. In our quiet moments alone, he was Michael."

Adoptive mom Lavender Luz at Drama 2B Mama: "'How would you feel,' Rob tip-toed, 'if we chose another name? Would you like us to keep "David" in some way?'”

Adoptive mom Chantel: "[I] wanted him 1) to have the name his first mommy chose with love and 2) to be able to go by it any time his chooses as he grows up."

Adoptive mom Luna at Life From Here: "One thing was clear. We would not discuss names with anyone but K. No one."

Adoptive mom Meg at Momosapien: "With the reading, learning and understanding we have now, almost 3 years after adopting our daughter, I think we would have made a different choice about naming. I think we would have kept her first name as LaTasha, setting aside our ideas about gender in favor of her first mom’s ideas about race."

Adoptive mom Okiemunchkinsmom at But, Aren't You Afraid?: "[B]ecause we had witnessed how much a child in foster care looses we knew that their name is sometimes all they have when they move to a new home, and often the only thing they have left from their first mom/parents. Sometimes it's the only thing that stays constant in their lives as they move around. We couldn't take that away...it wasn't ours to take."

Adoptee and adoptive mom Andy at Today's the Day!: "The one thread of information that I had growing up in my own closed adoption was my pre-adoption name. Colleen. It has always been important to me, a small connection to who I may have been."

Adoptee and first mom Valerie at From Another Mother: "Looking back, I certainly wouldn't change his name just to suit what I liked and preferred at the time. I think they did try to include us--but in the end, he is their son, and it was their decision to make." Read also her thoughts on the name her own birth parents gave to her.

Prospective adoptive parent DrSpouse at What Am I?: "I'm not comfortable with the 'did you give the birth family a say' question - perhaps it would be more honest to say to a child when they are older 'your name before was X and your name now is Y'; acknowledging that the birth family did name them (if they did)."

First mom Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working: "Looking back on this moment, I will be shocked, saddened, and annoyed that I wasn’t even strong enough to ask what my daughter had been named. That I just called her, 'the baby.'”

First mom Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile: "I am not sure if, had I elected a fully open adoption, things would have been different, but participating in the selection of naming my daughter wasn't offered to me. This doesn't really bother me, even now, many years later."

Prospective adoptive parent Jacksmom at Hoping for Another Little One: "A lot of my coworkers and friends have said, 'Well, it will be your child, you should get to name them.' For us, it's just not that simple."

Adoptive mom Snickie at The Tales of Snickie, Honey, Bear and Puddles: "We really did not have a name chosen at all, until two weeks after the ultrasound we received a frantic phone call. The birth mother had gone into premature labor, they needed to do an emergency cesarean but she was refusing to let them take the baby because she didn't have a name."

Prospective adoptive parent Karlinda: "I can’t imagine the two of us, plus the expectant mother, and possible the expectant father, being able to agree on a first name before the nine months are up! They have to have some input into the name though. If this child is to belong to all of us, then their name needs to come from all of us."

Adoptive mom Jess at The Problem With Hope: "In a long line of compromises and having things be hard building a family, our daughter's name was easy and magical."

Prospective adoptive parent Bon at I Can Haz Bebe?: "Since I am not pregnant, and we are adopting, this is one of those things I've had to give up and let go of."

Adoptive mom Cynthia at In the Night Kitchen: "I love too that we got away with this hippie name--we might have caught some slack if we came up with it on our own, but who’s going to front us on that now? Just try, people."

Adoptive mom Camille at Adventures in Mommyland: "I know in the online adoption world it is not PC to say that anything about adoption was 'meant to be'. But even when D & I talked about it later we talked about how we felt this charge & sense of... I don't know."

First mom Brown at Coming Clean: Confessions of a Secret Birthmom: "She would never know who Ann Jones was, none of us would, since it was the path not taken. Almost like she would have two separate identities in two separate families. The significance of that was not lost on me."

Adoptive mom Robyn at the Adoption.com open adoption blog: "I’ve known since I was 8 that I’d be having a baby girl named Cassandra one day. If my potential daughter’s potential birthmother hated the name Cassandra, would I change it? No."

Adoptive mom Tammy at You Just Never Know Where Hope Might Take Ya: "We chose to name our kiddos with three names, one for each of their families... first, Hubby's, mine."

Adoptive mom Heather at Production, Not Reproduction: "It never felt like she was trying to take something away from us. It felt like she was asking for something on behalf of Firefly. For continuity, for wholeness in her child's name. Recognition that this baby would be coming to us with an identity already in place."

Open Adoption Roundtable #5

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even have a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next two weeks--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

I had a roundtable question all ready to go, one that was a little more topical, a little less personal than some of the other ones. But I'm feeling all sorts of introspective today. And I'm going to drag invite the rest of you there with me.

I've been chewing on a recent post by Dawn of This Woman's Work about how openness has come to define the very core of what it means to mother her daughter. Go read it, if you haven't yet. It has me mulling over the ways openness has challenged, shaped and guided how I think of family and identity--ultimately changing how I see myself. For me, that has been one of the most gratifying and the most challenging thing about open adoption.

How has open adoption changed you? In what ways are you different because the presence of open adoption in your life?

I also want to invite anyone who practices openness but is unable to have contact to participate. (You are always welcome, but people have said they hesitate and I just wanted to make it explicit.) Contact definitely puts a different spin on things, but it's the "why" of open adoption that is often so transformative. And anyone can embrace the "why," even if contact is ruled out by circumstances or other people's choices.

***

Jess of The Problem With Hope shares how open adoption taught her kindness, compassion and acceptance.

Ginger at Puzzle Pieces says adoption changed not only how she interacted with other adults, but also with the daughter she was parenting.

Spyderkl at Evil Mommy shares how open adoption upended the meaning of "our daughter"--for the better.

Valerie of From Another Mother tells how openness--in her own adoption and in her son's--blurred the lines of "family" and let her pour out her love.

Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working talks honestly about the insecurity and worry that have accompanied open adoption for her.

Luna at life from here tells how openness has made her more honest, present and empowered as an adoptive mother.

KatjaMichelle of Therapy is Expensive shares how her experience placing her son forever changed the way she approaches decisions.

Karlinda realizes that open adoption is teaching her to let go, even as they are waiting to adopt.

Rredhead at the Adoption.com domestic infant adoption blog tells how she's become more aware of the perspectives of different birth families and adoptees.

Cindy.psbm says adoption may not have changed her at all.

M de P of Reservado Para Futura Mamá shares how open adoption put to the test who she thought herself to be.

Andi of The Many Faces of KJ says open adoption made her see how interconnected we are in this life.

Lavender Luz at Weebles Wobblog shares how open adoption forced her to think with her heart and not just her head

Jenna of The Chronicles of Munchkin Land says the process of making open adoption work has brought changes both good and bad: more compassion, but less trust.

One Year Ago

One year ago this month we drove down to Beth's town to spend the day with her. Firefly was still a teeny semi-bald baby, not even six months old.

As evening drew on, we dropped Beth off at the site of her weekly volunteer gig serving the local homeless community. The program's volunteers are a tight group and many are close friends with Beth. She had asked if we would go in for a few minutes so she could introduce them to Firefly before we headed home.

We immediately agreed, of course. But--to be honest--it was hot, the long day had tapped out my introverted self, and we had a big drive with two tired kids ahead of us. Let's just say my inward enthusiasm was tepid.

To top things off, I went to change Firefly's diaper and stumbled into the weirdest conversation I've ever had in a bathroom. I was still a bit dumbfounded by that interaction when I came out of the restroom and handed Firefly off to Beth. I caught glimpses of her working the room with Firefly as I relayed the whole conversation to Todd.

Soon most of the group sat down, ready for their meeting. I stood tiredly with Puppy in the back and watched Beth stride confidently to the front of the room and turn to face them. I knew from the stories she had shared with me that these were much more than fellow volunteers or even friends. They were family. The ones who supported her practically and emotionally during her pregnancy when the people most obligated to stick by her turned their backs. The ones who brought her through the difficult weeks right after Firefly went home with us.

Beth stood smiling at the small group, more proud, more glowing than I had ever seen her. "I'm so excited to finally introduce you. This," she said, presenting the wide-eyed baby perched on her hip, "is my daughter, [Firefly]."

The room murmured and clapped in appreciation. My selfish frustration at not being on the road disappeared. It was such a treat to see Beth there in her element, embracing her place in Firefly's life. Her daughter. Her world. Her people. Beloved friends who loved and prayed for Firefly before we even knew she existed. Who continued to love her then, even in her absence.

Picture it: Firefly secure in her first mother's arms, surrounded by her loving community. It would have been impossible, I think, not to see in that moment a glimpse of what might have been. And yet, also a picture of what is.

Read about other moments made possible by open adoption at the Open Adoption Roundtable.

Open Adoption Roundtable #4

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even have a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next week--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

My mom is an (amazing, dedicated) elementary school teacher. One of the writing strategies she uses with her students is called small moments writing. Instead of writing a typical seven-year old's paragraph that, say, summarizes everything they did in a day, they write about a single, small moment: what it felt like to ride on the bumpy bus or a flower they saw as they walked to school. It's about learning to dive creatively into a single moment in time and flesh it out with details and descriptive words.

I thought it would be a nice exercise for us, both to record a memory for ourselves and to give others a glimpse into our families' open adoptions. So our fourth assignment is to write about a small moment that open adoption made possible. It might be about something that happened during an interaction or conversation if you have face-to-face contact. Or a moment centered on a letter or picture, if you don't. Just a single, small moment that could not have happened if the adoption were not open.

***

SocialWkr24/7 at Eyes Open Wider writes about being the intermediary when mother and her two children regain a small measure of healing contact after a decade apart.

Ginger at Puzzle Pieces recalls a long-ago Halloween moment between two daughters--one placed, one parented--and their question that still weighs on her.

Debbie B at Always and Forever Family tells how ultimate trust has come full circle between them and their daughter's first mother.

Luna at life from here writes about the power of being present at her adopted daughter's birth.

Britney at Beauty for Ashes reflects on a recent moment of shared intimacy with her son's adoptive grandmother.

Snickie at The Tales of Snickie, Honey, Bear and Puddles remembers the moment her adopted daughter caught the first glimpse of her baby sister's face.

Hope548 at Not Like I Thought It Would Be witnesses the contentedness of a grandmother watching her daughter interact with her placed son.

A at A+A Adopt a Baby realizes the trust of open adoption begins even before placement, in the process of choosing an adoptive family.

Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile shares a touching example of her organic connection to her placed daughter, despite their limited contact.

Jess at The Problem With Hope celebrates how open adoption lets her adopted daughter bond with both of her brothers, the one she lives with and the one she doesn't.

Cindy.psbm remembers receiving an image that guided her, for better and for worse, throughout the decision to place her son.

Tracey at Grace Comes By Hearing shares how significant it was to be present at her adopted son's birth.

Dawn at This Woman's Work shares how even a simple expression of love for a soon-to-be-born baby brother can be fraught with conflicting emotion in adoption.

Sally at The Adoptive Parent realizes how significant it could be to watch her son's birth mother interact with him.

SJ at From the Mind of a Bmom shares how a poignant moment rocking her son to sleep captures both the joy and sadness of open adoption.

Brown at Coming Clean: Confessions of a Secret Birthmom tells the story behind the first picture her daughter ever saw of her-- and the picture Brown saw that underscored how much they have in common.

Spyderkl at Evil Mommy shares how the dreaded family tree assignment became an affirmation of open adoption bonds.

Jamie at On Wings of Hope learns how meaningful the ongoing flow of information can be in open adoption.

I remember the joy of witnessing my daughter's first mom introduce her little girls to the people most important to her.

Andy at Today's the Day shares that something as basic as pictures of his first family has transformed her son's experience of growing up adopted.

M de P at Reservado Para Futura Mamá recalls how meeting her daughter's first mom opened her up to a flood of compassion.

Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working can embrace the bragging rights that come along with motherhood.

Deb at Waiting on Life remembers the grace of her daughter's first mom as she took her to to meet her baby for the first time.

KatjaMichelle at Therapy Is Expensive offers four moments of acceptance, inclusion and affirmation--all of which would be impossible in a closed adoption.

Barely Sane at Infertility Licks is able to share in the pride of a member of her daughter's first family she's never even met.

Lavender Luz at Weebles Wobblog describes the first moments of two families' bonds with their newest family member.

Family of Three at The Mommy Journals shares how the simple act of rocking a baby to sleep brought out the tender concern of two mothers for each other.

Sue at Twice Blessed remembers an unforgettable hug with her child's first mom.

Jenni at Confessions of Mean Girl Turned Mommy shares how the a shared moment at a midwife's office gave her a glimpse into the future adoptive mom's heart.

Kristin at Parenthood Path describes how the ups and down moments in open adoption start long before any adoption takes place.

Mama2Roo at Letters to a Birthmother shares how her son seamlessly (and humorously) weaves his biological sisters into his everday life.

Rebecca at Chasing a Child has a story about open adoption and boogers. Yes, boogers.