October 05, 2010

Speaking of Machatunim

At some point in the middle of last week, Kelly's parents (who are currently raising her second child, Eddie's sister) called to say they would be coming to our state this week and could they swing by for a visit on their way to their destination? Of course we said, "Sure!" We hadn't seen Eddie's sister--who really needs a blog name; she's named after a bird, so let's call her Robin--since she was a newborn, so a visit was long overdue.

I didn't know what Eddie would think about seeing them, since it had been so long and Robin hasn't really been present in his life in any form. But as Sunday drew near he quickly went from matter-of-fact to super-excited. I was prepping in the kitchen right before they came when I overheard Eddie--who was anxiously watching at the bay window for their arrival--say to Mari, "Do you know who Robin is? She's one of my sisters! She's a baby, so you can play with her!" I knew then the afternoon would be really good for him.

And it was. The kids happily played together, the adults snapped photos. Kelly's parents passed on information from the past two years that cleared up all sorts of questions I've had. This was the first time we'd ever spent with them without Kelly there and I think it was a pretty significant step forward in our relationship with them. As our afternoon together ended I was feeling good.

They waited until we were beginning to say our goodbyes in the entryway to drop the bombshell.

Eddie has a brother.


(I really don't like using the password for anything other than picture posts. I will likely make the full post public in the future, but I'm still sorting out what is bloggable and wanted to err on the side of caution for now. Please email me if you'd like the password. I've never deliberately denied it to anyone who's asked, but I'm awful at managing my personal email and I know there have been folks whose requests have accidentally gone unanswered. It is the source of much guilt for me; I mean that seriously. All that to say, please feel free to ask or re-ask for the password.)

32 comments:

Dawn said...

I still don't have anything useful to say but I am sad with you.

Also the middle of the entry password protection is the coolest thing I've ever seen on blogger and now I have to rethink my hatred of all thing blogger.

a Tonggu Momma said...

Heather, I am so very sorry.

(And how do you DO that password thing in the middle of a post?)

luna said...

wow. just wow. I'm sad for all of you too. for everyone.

sara said...

That is so...I don't even know. Sad, infurating, unfair, immature. I'm just sorry you're dealing with such craziness.

Lori (in MI) said...

I'm sad with you too, Heather. This really sucks for all of you, in all of the ways you know.

A said...

oh Heather wow.

I am sad with you.

mama2roo said...

please send me the password while I catch my breath! zoobitydoo@yahoo.com

susiebook said...

Oh, goodness. What a completely sad situation for everyone involved.

Anita said...

Thank you for posting this. As I get to know the teenage birth mom of our 3 month old son better, it is hard not to see her having additional unplanned pregnancies and our son having siblings he doesn't live with. As we went through our adoption process I often thought about your archived posts and drew support from them, and I'm glad to have this one in my pocket for the future. You are right to feel sad!

Kristin said...

Oh, Heather, that must be so tough to process. Thanks for sharing, as it is a situation so many of us in Adoptionland can relate to in some way.

As I was saying about the often-challenging relationships in OA to a bloggy friend I met IRL on Saturday (hey, I think we connected through your blog roll!), all we can do is "make sure we keep OUR side of the street clean"...or whatever that expression is. Heather, your side is sparkling.

Geochick said...

I'm sad for all of you. And a little angry.

Sam said...

Wow. I suppose I'm glad that I can say I haven't done anything like this to my First Son's parents. I can see why closed adoption is easier in terms of drama for the parents that adopted. I'm so sorry. Some day your children will thank you for all that you've done for them and their first parents.

My name is Andy. said...

WOW.... I so agree with this " I firmly believe kids in open adoptions are owed the truth about any siblings they have" we struggle with this too, and having been one those kids(and I guess I still am), the hurt of being separated from a sibling (even one you've never met) can sometimes be all consuming. My heart hurts for all the kids, and the adults too.

{{{hugs}}}

Anonymous said...

It's really cruddy that you didn't know that before.

My daughter has a brother. I found out because I snoop on MySpace. I glad I do though because now I have information that I can give to my daughter some day.

I agree with you about sharing basic info like that. Our children have a right to know these things.

mama2roo said...

See, I'm just such a believer in the fact that no matter what we do or don't do, the truth eventually comes out. It will come out for those kids someday. And we work to make sure we are doing what we can to prepare for that day and to foster an understanding for our children so that they can trust US. For those who make different choices, it will be so unfortunate for them that their choices might have the opposite than intended effect. She must have her reasons. Can't for the life of me think of what they might be, but I guess to her they make sense, and I hope she takes some time to rethink some of them. And in the meantime you are stuck with the "i know what you know that you don't think I know" crap that makes for crazy. I know I'm ramblng here. I will continue to send lots of good, positive thoughts for all this to somehow become better situation. <3

Erin said...

Wow. Like Dawn, I feel like I don't have anything useful to say. I can't imagine how I would feel in that situation. I think I too would be hurt not just for me, but for Eddie possibly losing that connection to his sibling.

Hugs <3

SocialWrkr24/7 said...

Echoing commenters above - nothing useful to say....

But lots of prayers and hugs coming your way as you adjust to this news.

Danielle said...

Believe me when I say that I am _not_ one to be all chirpy and look for the silver lining. That said, it occurred to me that Kelly's parents made the effort to come and deliver this news to you. Clearly relations with Kelly are not what you hope for and would like, but her parents are reaching out and that fills a gap of sorts. in the end, you got important info Eddie needs just not the way you would have liked. And of course your sadness is real and justified.

At a particularly difficult point with our daughter's mom, I spoke with her mother (our daughter's grandmother) and between us we were able to help everyone involved. It dawned on me then that I/we are lucky to have my daugher's extended family.

I am sorry. These uncharted relationships are hard, but you have clear principles and you are following them consistently and honestly.

J said...

I don't have anything useful to say either, though (admittedly as a complete stranger) I am a bit stunned that you weren't the obvious choice for placement.

katjamichelle said...

Oh Heather, Sending hugs in your direction for you and for Eddie. He's lucky to have you in his corner.

raisedbywolffs said...

I'm not sure but it leaves me wondering if Kelly is somewhat like my mum who will make up a version of the events, that may or may not have anything to do with the actual situation, and tell this story so many times that they believe it. You are right to be sad for Eddie and you, but it's great that you know now so that Eddie can grow up know the truth. It took until I was 29 for me to find out I have at least 3 brothers that I didn't know about (in addition to the 3 I was aware of) and I'm pretty certain they don't know about me. I think this would have been a lesser if it was something I grew up with rather than the big weird weight that it became finding out so late.
You're doing a great job.

Elly said...

I'd say "I firmly believe kids in adoption are owed the truth".

I suspect part of Kelly not telling you is that she wants you to see her in a 'good' light. Because we had information from the agency as well as meeting Munchie's birthmom, I saw places the two stories diverged. it wasn't that she lied, just omitted things I think she thought would make us disapprove of her.

shmode said...

Oh my gosh I'm just beside myself with ... I don't know, shock? What a bombshell! Because our adoption was public, the government requires us to be contacted first if Elijah's first mom has another child because they want to encourage sibling relationships. To be slammed with something so shocking would be somewhat devastating to us (especially since we're adopting again).
BTW, I thought you messed up on the password thing when I started reading!LOL! Didn't realize blogger has a middle of the post password option. That is cool.

call me mama said...

Disheartening. I'm so sorry this has happened.

Barely Sane said...

I'm still trying to process the whole situation. I can only imagine the varying thoughts racing through your head right now. Things that Eddie will have to process eventually.

Hugs, hugs & more hugs

cynthia said...

Oh Heather, I am so sad for all of you, too. And I can relate to so very much of it. Thinking of you.

Jess said...

Oh, how sad! Sad sad sad! I mean....at the least, like you said...the information should be for everyone. :(

Lisa said...

Thanks for sharing this. Our daughter was born with six (that we know of) genetic half-siblings, and although we have a very open relationship with her birthmother, we don't have access to any of these kids. Legal troubles, foster care, different mothers, etc. So it's a bit of a mess. We're doing what we can to give her a connection to her roots, but there's only so much control we have.

hope548 said...

I can't imagine ALL of the emotions you are experiencing right now, for your kids, for you, for Kelly. I think I would feel similarly. I don't have anything helpful to say either, just know that I am thinking of you.

Tammy said...

Just having a chance to come back and read this now, and wow. I am so sad for all of you. And agree 100% in the truth factor, especially about siblings. I haven't written about it (yet) but em's other mom had a baby, and I doubt we would have known anything about it until after the fact had we not been brought face to face through tragedy. The "not telling" makes no sense in my mind because we've always been open and supportive, but I suppose, in her mind, and possibly Kelly's mind, the 'not telling' was a way to save having to deal with that part of her life right in that moment. As you said it is all her decision, but it is still hard. We have met Em's sister and she is happily being parented well by her mom (Em's first mom)...we are hopeful. Hugs for all this hard stuff. We really need to chat sometime... I'm here if you need to.

Meg Weber Jeske said...

Wow, Heather. Thinking of you all and holding you in my heart. Such complicated emotions through all of this.

Andrea said...

Wow. I have so many things I want to share. What I'm feeling right now is sad for you and sad for me, too. Our open adoption is closing...not by my choice and I don't know what to do about it....Cricket's birth mother is gravely ill and won't return emails.

Also, people have told me not to tell my daughter if she has siblings or not. Why are people so afraid of the truth?
Sorry to unload here. Having a bad day

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