April 10, 2007

What's Your Damage?

I get it. You're stuck in the notion that families waiting to adopt domestically are in some big competition. You still think it's about what you "deserve." You waited almost two years before your daughter was placed with you. It was hard to wait. When you hear we didn't wait very long, you don't think it's fair. You're right. It's not fair. I can think of about three things in domestic adoption which are fair.

But if you ever tell me again that the only reason you waited so long is that you weren't "willing to accept a damaged child," I will look your little girl in the eyes and say, "Sweetie, I'm sorry you got such a damaged mama."

15 comments:

Overwhelmed! said...

Oh my goodness, someone actually said this to you?! And adoptive mother said this to you?! How very sad. As an adoptive mother myself, this disappoints me.

Dawn said...

Hi. I LOVE YOU!!! (loved this!)

Brandi said...

Oh how I would relish hearing the back story on this :)

Heather said...

You know the worst part? It happened at an ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP!

Betsy said...

Love it!

Thank you for your words!

Mom2One/Judy said...

That. Is. Awful.

Nora said...

WOW. But sadly, as an adoptive mom myself, I have ceased to be stunned by what people will actually say. BTW, I love your blog.

Michelle said...

Just reading this for the first time. I love it! I get very angry about the fact that people looking to adopt are so inflexible with regard to characteristics of a child they will bring into their home. My daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes when she was one month old. Catholic Charities went down their list of "waiting families" but none of them wanted a child with such medical needs. I think this angers me SO much because the child I gave birth to developed Type 1 diabetes. They would have rejected him too. Yet, I would never think of saying, "Oh, he's developed diabetes. I don't think I want him." It is so selfish and hurtful that one wonders whether they should be parents at all.

My only sweet revenge is that Maya's diabetes has turned out NOT to be Type 1. After I got her, I suggested that the doctor test her for a newly discovered, rare kind of diabetes -- monogenic -- that is genetic and evidences itself before six months of age. There are only several hundred people in the country with this. And yet, as it turns out, Maya has it! This type of diabetes is treated with pills instead of multiple daily injections. And the risk for complications is very slim.

So, to all those parents that refused to take my beautiful daughter, I would like to bite my thumb at them. And also say Thank you. Had Catholic Charities not run up against a brick wall in finding adoptive parents for Maya, they would not have turned out of state. And my family would not have come to this state of completeness.

Michelle said...

Just reading this for the first time. I love it! I get very angry about the fact that people looking to adopt are so inflexible with regard to characteristics of a child they will bring into their home. My daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes when she was one month old. Catholic Charities went down their list of "waiting families" but none of them wanted a child with such medical needs. I think this angers me SO much because the child I gave birth to developed Type 1 diabetes. They would have rejected him too. Yet, I would never think of saying, "Oh, he's developed diabetes. I don't think I want him." It is so selfish and hurtful that one wonders whether they should be parents at all.

My only sweet revenge is that Maya's diabetes has turned out NOT to be Type 1. After I got her, I suggested that the doctor test her for a newly discovered, rare kind of diabetes -- monogenic -- that is genetic and evidences itself before six months of age. There are only several hundred people in the country with this. And yet, as it turns out, Maya has it! This type of diabetes is treated with pills instead of multiple daily injections. And the risk for complications is very slim.

So, to all those parents that refused to take my beautiful daughter, I would like to bite my thumb at them. And also say Thank you. Had Catholic Charities not run up against a brick wall in finding adoptive parents for Maya, they would not have turned out of state. And my family would not have come to this state of completeness.

a Tonggu Momma said...

I'm glad you pointed us to this. Excellent post. Loved it! (Love you!)

Carolyn said...

That is one of the most unbelievably awful things I've ever heard! And I love Michelle's point that when you birth a child you never know what kind of medical complications will occur, but you don't have the option of saying, "no thanks" and giving the baby back afterwards! I can't judge anybody for choosing to not accept a baby with special needs of some sort, having never had to make that decision, but I sure can judge someone who would refer to any child as "damaged" and insinuate that you made a poor choice. What did the people at the support group have to say to that woman?

Lavonne said...

oh my. no words. some people really need to keep their mouths shut!

Miss Begotten said...

I just read this. I don't know much about the home study process or how potential adoptive parents are evaluated, but it shocks me that people like that are ever allowed to adopt.

I have a friend who has two special needs children, one of whom passed away from complications related to her illness at nine years of age. A mutual acquaintance, struggling with infertility, told her "I couldn't adopt because I want my children to be perfect." She has now adopted a baby girl - my heart bleeds for that child. The worst sort of first mother situation would have been better than the heartless b**** she's now stuck with.

Jenna said...

O.M.G....I love you!! Do it!! Do it!!!

Cate said...

Hopefully she will learn better as time goes on. I remember the end days of my infertility treatments when my husband and I discussed embryo adoption so that I could "control" the pre-natal health of my baby!

Ha!

The little boy that I am waiting for (begging for!!) was born addicted to heroin, probably has FAS and is HIV+.

Some of us *do* learn better...

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...