Radio Silence

We're taking a break from our regular lives and spending the weekend at the coast with friends. Which also means taking a break from internet life. My tired little typing fingers say, hurrah!

Comments on the roundtable post will be open through Tuesday, so feel free to add a link to your own contribution at any point this weekend. There won't be any new excerpts or changes to the main post until I return.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

We'll Call This Part 1.5

First, something I forgot to say (despite spewing out a million words) is that I left the adoption workshop that night feeling really grateful for our loose-knit, ameoba-ish adoption tribe we've got here online. I know we're all sort of learning as we go and it can feel like we're fumbling around in the dark sometimes. But the things we're saying to one another, the advice we give, the listening we're trying to do--we don't have all the answers (who does?), but I think we're on a good track. And I just wanted to say that to us.

(On a side note, when you're around a big group of other people connected to adoption, do you ever wonder if they read the same blogs you do? Because I totally do that.)

Second, Tammy mentioned trying to find some materials by Jane Brown. I've never had much success finding much more than promotional materials from groups sponsoring one of her adoption playshops. But I did find this article from her about talking with young children about adoption. It's a book guide for We See the Moon, so it's written with an eye toward international adoptions, but it has good general tips, too. If you don't want to read the whole thing, skip down to "Help Your Child Learn to Tell Their Own Story" and start from there.

Open Adoption Roundtable #3

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even have a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Publish your response during the next week--linking back here so we can all find one other--and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

Our third roundtable assignment was suggested by Lori. (If you have a topic you'd like to see kicked around, definitely let me know!) We've looked back at the beginning of our adoption journeys. We've talked about the fathers. Now we're going to dream a little for the future. Share your wish list for your open adoption(s). Your list can be tempered by reality or packed with hopeful ideals. The choice is yours.

One of the things about Lori's suggestion that piqued my interest was the potential for some good cross-triad communication. So let's all be visiting the other posts as they go up and seeing things from a different perspective.

***
Adoptive mom Familyofthree at The Mommy Journals: "So, even if our adoption never achieves the new heights of openness that I myself would desire, I wouldn't change it, as long as my sweet girl can understand why she was placed, who she was meant to be in life, and how much she is loved by all who are blessed to call her part of their family."

Ginger, first mom in three open adoptions, at Puzzle Pieces: "I don't need you to send me 3 page long emails daily. I do need you to reassure me on a regular basis that you still want contact, even if you don't feel like writing more than one line. Something. Please understand that when you get too busy to turn on your computer and send an email, I think you're gone." A brutally honest post, and a must read for any adoptive or pre-adoptive parent.

Adoptive mom M de P at Reservado Para Futura Mamà: "I wish for the strength that I will need to deal with the really tough parts of our open adoption with little A - and I hope that we are able to process those together in the best way that we can."

Tammy, adoptive mom of two, at You Just never Know Where Hope might Take Ya: "I don't live with expectations of [my kids' other families] anymore...I will, however, live with expectancy."

Adoptive mom Jess at The Problem With Hope: "For our families and friends to care about more than JUST Ava....to have real interest in her bio family and not have to have who's-who explained every time we mention a bio sibling or parent...because their caring and knowing shows they care and know ABOUT HER."

First mom Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working: "I feel like there is no word for the relationship I want us to have. I won’t be her Mom but I don’t think “friend” is right either. I’m not an aunt or a family friend. Without the language I’m not sure how to describe the relationship. I’m her firstmom. I’ll be there for her and support her and love her. Like a firstmom."

Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy: "I wish that School Girl will feel the same way about our conjoined families in the future the way she does now. When we were working on the 'family tree' assignment at school, she talked about the different parts of our family. 'There’s your side, Mommy, and there’s Daddy’s side, and there’s my side.' But they’re all together, all joined and muddled up."

First mom Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land: "I also hope that my speaking out on the need for adoption reforms and the unnecessary separation of various families will eventually reach a bigger audience but I think living our family life as we do might speak louder than I ever would be able to. And I’m loud."

Adoptive mom Andy at Today's the Day!: "I wish that we had at least one picture of Liam with his Mother. I wish that "K" knows how important she is to us... I wish it wasn't all so hard."

Adoptive mom Tracey at Grace Comes By Hearing: "I know a big step, for most women, is getting past the point that they need to have a 'biological' child. I was there too, but I wish I hadn't waited so long in choosing this direction. I wish more people would choose adoption."

Adoptive mom Dawn at This Woman's Work: "So my wish list today is that the people who I love so much (Pennie and Madison) would have the strength to accept each other’s limits even when it’s hard. Even when it’s painful. And that they would give each other — and themselves — the space and time they need and that they would trust in their love for each other even when things are hard."

Jenni, an expectant mother planning to place her daughter in an open adoption, at Confessions of a Mean Girl Turned Mommy: "What I do know is that I don't want to be put on the back burner after Baby K is born. I don't need to be the center of attention, but I don't want to be forgotten. I want to know that I'm still important and valued and a PERSON. A person who did something that I've finally realized is going to be incredibly difficult, regardless of how much sense my choice makes in my head."

Jane, both a first mom and an adoptee in an open adoption, at Jane's Calamity: "I hope she doesn’t harbor anger towards me like I do my own first mother because I’m not there for her. I want to be there for her. I would give my life to be there for her."

Adoptive mom Jessica at Anderson Happenings: "That Colt will always think of us as his parents. It's that selfish feeling that comes up for all adoptive parents. I want him to have a relationship with N, I want him to love and respect her and honor her. But at the end of the day I wish and hope that when he sees me he always sees me as Mommy."

Adoptive mom Sammy at The Apple of My Eye: "That K [birth mum] would know she is loved by me for who she is not the gift she has given me."

Adoptive mom Teendoc at Welcome to the Dollhouse: "So my wishlist for our open adoption has mostly been achieved. I just hope that one day Jeremy will re-connect and fill that missing piece. If he does not, I pray that my Z will have the strength and foundation of love to accept this loss."

Kristin, who is waiting to adopt, at Parenthood Path: "As part of our homestudy, M. and I had to reflect a bit on our ideal open adoption situation. After some reading and talking, M. shared something that I think is so wise. He said that he’s come to believe that what’s needed for a good open adoption is what’s needed for all good, long lasting relationships."

First mom Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile: "I am nervous, but as soon as we speak, I feel the anxiety start to wash away. We have an easy camaraderie that just clicks, as though we've known each other forever. She tells me that she thinks of me often, and that she wants to know everything about me."

Adoptive mom Robyn at Adoption.com: "My number one wish, not just for our open adoption, but all open adoptions, is that all of the participants are healthy, happy, and secure, more often than not. Yeah, I know. I might as well ask for the moon."

Adoptee Valerie at From Another Mother: "Questions, fears, doubts...there are certain concerns that will always exist within the mind of an adoptee, and those concerns can only be soothed by a birth parent. Responsibility for the child does not end at placement. It is ongoing, whether the adoption is open or not."

Lori, adoptive mom to two, at Weebles Wobblog: "Seeing Tessa ceases to cause her birthfather, Joe to ache (hey, it IS a wishlist)."

Adoptive mom Karen at Clio: "I wish that both R and G will be able to sit next to J and I at Evie's wedding some day."

Adoptive mom Debbie at Always and Forever Family: "I wish...I could feel comfortable enough to just pick up the phone and call her for no reason other then to say hi."

Jacksmom, who is waiting to adopt, at Hoping for Another Blessing: "I wish that when it comes time for the tough questions and parts of our adoption, that we have the strength and grace to deal with it. At the same time, I wish this for our child and their first family as well. I know this is asking a lot, but I hope that we can share our fears and wishes with our child's first family, and that they can do the same with us. I think it will only strengthen our relationship if we know where the other is coming from. None of this adoption stuff is easy."

Adoptive mom Ashley at More Than Dog Children: "My wish is that Declan will continue to have a relationship with his birth parents. We see them every few months now and I hope the contact doesn't go away. I wish for him to feel close to and know the amazing people that C and T are."

First mom Brown at Coming Clean: Confessions of a Secret Birthmom: "I want her to know how much she is loved and thought of. How much I would do anything for her, and to know that I want her first and foremost to be happy. I want her to know that I'm there for her whenever she's ready."

Talking About the Hard Stuff

Well, there was a clear winner in choose your own blog adventure exercise, so here goes...

Several months ago Todd and I went to hear adoption guru Jane Brown speak. Her specialty is working with kids (through play) to help them integrate adoption into their sense of themselves. She draws from a huge well of experience and I definitely recommend participating in one of her workshops if you get the opportunity. I hope my kids have a chance when they're older.

Her talk that night focused on how children process adoption--specifically race/ethnicity in transracial or transcultural adoptions--during different developmental stages. She talked a lot about identity and how we go about creating the story of who we are during childhood. Because kids are dealing with different fundamental identity issues at different ages, even the same question--like "Why didn't my birth parents raise me?"--is asking something different coming from a three-year old than a nine-year old. So how we as parents talk about adoption needs to shift over the years, as well.

(I should note that I'm working off of my memory and my scribbled notes from that evening. And adding in a whole lot of my own words. So please don't hold Ms. Brown to anything except the four numbered points below, which are verbatim.)

One of the things she talked about that night was facing up to really difficult parts of your child's history as an adoptive parent. She was discussing how to talk about those things, but you could tell that some of the parents in the room were struggling with the question of whether to share before they could think about how. I'll be honest, my first reaction was that they were trying to justify lying by omission. But they were dealing with some truly terrible things: attempted infanticide, extreme violence associated with the conception/pregnancy, infant abuse. As I thought about looking into Puppy's or Firefly's face and telling them about such darkness in their past, I could sympathize with these parents' struggle. It is tempting to think that if we hide information away, that it will slip into oblivion--that if we never pass a certain fact on to our children, then they will simply never know.

Ms. Brown, with all compassion, did not budge one inch no matter how much those parents pressed her. And people tried valiantly to find a loophole. She was adamant that there is no possible reason--none--that justifies us keeping any shred of information about our children's histories from them. The how and when is up for discussion, but never whether. If they are old enough to ask a question, they're old enough to get an age-appropriate answer that doesn't hide information. And if they never raise a certain issue, at some point we need to take the initiative to fill in the blanks. The information is theirs and belongs to them; we are just temporary caretakers.

(Even though I walked into the room sharing Ms. Brown's opinion, I was really struck that evening by the role we play as information keepers in our children's adoptions. The facts and stories come at us in pieces and from different sources during and after the adoption process, but we are typically the ones who hold it all together until it's passed on to our kids. How we talk with them about their history and their story is one of the most important adoption-related things we do.)

She gave four questions for parents to think about as we formulate answers to kids' questions or prepare to share difficult information:

1. Where is the child in his/her identity process?
   Like I mentioned before, where a child is at in the identity process often influences what is behind a question and what we emphasize in our answers. This is why we need to be reading our child development basics. For insight into how identity formation intersects with adoption, she recommended Joyce Maguire Pavao's The Family of Adoption and David Brodinsky's Being Adopted.
   
   
2. Do I have the tools to deal with the questions and emotions that arise?
   This one doesn't get us off the hook if we don't think we're ready to deal with a certain topic. If we're not ready, then we need to get ourselves ready. Ideally, we start anticipating these discussions early on and begin to prepare ourselves through reading, learning from others in similar situations, taking classes, building an adoption support network for ourselves and our kids, etc. She did note that it's okay to not answer a question immediately if we feel ill-equipped. "That's a question with a big answer. I'm glad you asked it and I want to talk to you about it. I'd like some time to think about how to answer." Then do what we need to do to prepare ourselves and take the initiative to re-start the conversation. What we want to avoid is blurting out hard stuff and leaving our kids to deal with the aftermath.
   
   
3. Are they capable of keeping it private?
   As a five-year old, your daughter may feel free to tell everyone she knows that someone left her in a trash bin as a baby or that a birth parent is in jail for murder.* But six years down the road, she might hate that all her classmates know that about her. It's a matter of knowing your own child and thinking through how specific your language will be at different stages and which details you will provide when.
   
   
4. Are they capable of receiving and understanding the information?
   Like in #3, this is about timing, the language you use, and how specific you decide to be. She did caution against metaphors and euphemisms, which can be confusing.
   

She also recommended giving kids a measure of control during these conversations, to not force them into the position of being passive recipients of information that might be unexpedtedly overwhelming, frightening, or confusing. One suggestion she gave was hand signals: to have them hold up a "stop" hand if something is too much to hear or to raise their hand if they are confused. She emphasized that we shouldn't ask them to explain themselves if they use one of the signs. For example, if they give the "confused" signal, instead of asking, "What don't you understand?" you could say, "Would you like to ask me a question, or would you like me to try saying it again with different words?" Obviously this would work differently at different ages. But she said in her own work the hand signs had been helpful even with older kids.

This has already gone on and on, so I will leave the rest for a second post. Because the thing I kept thinking as I listened was, "But with open adoptions it's different..." And that is what Todd and I talked about on the long drive home.

* I apologize if my examples play into stereotypes about first parents. I was searching for obviously difficult hypothetical situations.

Choose Your Own Blog Adventure

I have four blog posts that I fiddled with today and left languishing in the drafts folder. Three books that I started but set aside. Two shows I began watching but never bothered to finish. I seem to have lost my ability to bring anything to conclusion. Which, as a J on the Myers-Briggs scale, is driving me a bit batty.*

I did manage to go downstairs awhile this evening. I played with Puppy (so great) and we hung out quite a bit at bedtime. Firefly smiled at me like, "Hey, you look like fun! Who are you?" Then she gave Todd a bunch of giant hugs while looking straight at me, as if to say, "I'm sticking with this parent now."

There may have been a little bit of projection on my part going on there, with the Firefly thing.

So I'm giving up and turning the reins over to you. Below are the four posts I toyed with today--you tell me which one I should finish first. It's like a choose your own adventure blog! (Man, I loved those books. Although I had a bad habit of cheating by flipping through to see which page numbers were dead ends.)

1. Inside our adoption agency's new strategic plan: a reaction (Spoiler alert! It's a big sigh of disappointment with a soupçon of fuming.)
   
   
2. My thoughts about that blog post that was just republished in the adoption magazine (Welcome to the new people visiting from the magazine! Sorry it's so boring right now. A case of impressively bad timing on my part.)
   
   
3. A strange little note I wrote--and recently found--in one of my journals
   
   
4. Some advice we got about sharing difficult adoption-related information with kids and us thinking about how that plays out in open adoption
   

So, what will it be?

* Oh my word. That website just claimed I share a Myers-Briggs type with Rumsfeld, Schwarzenegger and Cheney. I'm going to go rock quietly in the corner now.

Day 7, Wherein Our Heroine Is Driven Mad from Boredom

I am (fingers crossed) past the hardest part of my recovery and feeling a lot more like myself again. I still have a week to go on the bedrest, which means I'm am bored out of my ever-loving mind. It turns out there is only so long one can go without being (a) sick or (b) productive without feeling like a giant sloth. I'm hoping to put some of this pent-up energy to good use over the next few days.

I miss my babies. They come in to visit me, but it's not the same.