The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
We've written about siblings in open adoptions twice before. Now we're going to look in the other generational direction: grandparents. While the legal processes of placing and adopting focus on the triad of first parents-child-adoptive parents, the reality is that adoption involves extended family, too. So this time we're offering up a nice, broad prompt to reflect on the influence of, relationships with, and experiences of grandparents in our open adoptions (whichever grandparents you choose).
Write about grandparents in open adoption.
***
Excerpts from the responses:
Showing posts with label Open Adoption Roundtable. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Open Adoption Roundtable. Show all posts
January 30, 2012
Open Adoption Roundtable #34
This roundtable prompt comes from a first mom in an open adoption who no longer blogs but wanted to hear what others had to say on the topic.
She was thinking about her reasons for placing her daughter and how she handles sharing (or not) that information with the people in her life. She realized that her daughter's adoptive parents were often asked that same question by people (i.e. why she chose to place) and she wondered how they answered. This started her thinking about how others handle that choice of what to share and whom to share it with, especially when they are asked to speak on behalf of another party in their open adoptions.
It is likely that we've all had that experience at some time: someone asking us to speak to the choices or feelings of others in our adoption constellation. Perhaps it is someone asking a first parent how their child feels about being in an open adoption. Or someone asking an adoptee why their adoptive parents chose to adopt. You get the idea.
How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
The responses (so far):
Jenna (first mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City
Archane (adoptive mom) @ The Spinning Goth
I Am (first dad) in comments
Geochick (adoptive mom) @ An Engineer Becomes a Mom
Robyn C (adoptive mom) @ The Chittister Children
Other Mother (first mom) @ Dear Sweetheart (auto-play music)
Dena (adoptive mom) @ Red Velvet Wisdom
Meg McK (adoptive mom) @ God Will Fill This Nest
Cindy (first mom) in comments
Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox
Lynn (adoptive mom) @ Open Hearts Open Minds
Alissabeth (adoptive mom) @ Not a Visitor
Susiebook (first mom) @ Endure for a Night
I Was Anne (adoptive mom) @ Tears of/and Joy
CB (adult adoptee) in comments
Danielle (first mom) @ Another Version of Mother
Venessa (adoptive mom) @ A Journey of Love
Kareydk (adoptive mom) @ Karen's Adoption Journey
Meghann (adoptive mom) @ Everyday Miracles
Mrs R (adoptive mom) @ The R House
Jenna (adoptive mom) @ sparklejenna
She was thinking about her reasons for placing her daughter and how she handles sharing (or not) that information with the people in her life. She realized that her daughter's adoptive parents were often asked that same question by people (i.e. why she chose to place) and she wondered how they answered. This started her thinking about how others handle that choice of what to share and whom to share it with, especially when they are asked to speak on behalf of another party in their open adoptions.
It is likely that we've all had that experience at some time: someone asking us to speak to the choices or feelings of others in our adoption constellation. Perhaps it is someone asking a first parent how their child feels about being in an open adoption. Or someone asking an adoptee why their adoptive parents chose to adopt. You get the idea.
How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
The responses (so far):
Jenna (first mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City
Archane (adoptive mom) @ The Spinning Goth
I Am (first dad) in comments
Geochick (adoptive mom) @ An Engineer Becomes a Mom
Robyn C (adoptive mom) @ The Chittister Children
Other Mother (first mom) @ Dear Sweetheart (auto-play music)
Dena (adoptive mom) @ Red Velvet Wisdom
Meg McK (adoptive mom) @ God Will Fill This Nest
Cindy (first mom) in comments
Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox
Lynn (adoptive mom) @ Open Hearts Open Minds
Alissabeth (adoptive mom) @ Not a Visitor
Susiebook (first mom) @ Endure for a Night
I Was Anne (adoptive mom) @ Tears of/and Joy
CB (adult adoptee) in comments
Danielle (first mom) @ Another Version of Mother
Venessa (adoptive mom) @ A Journey of Love
Kareydk (adoptive mom) @ Karen's Adoption Journey
Meghann (adoptive mom) @ Everyday Miracles
Mrs R (adoptive mom) @ The R House
Jenna (adoptive mom) @ sparklejenna
January 19, 2012
Roundtable Suggestions
I have a new open adoption roundtable set up for next week. This next prompt was suggested by a first mom blogger (she's since shuttered her blog, else I'd link to her) and I'd love to have more community-suggested prompts. I'm sure you have some better ideas than mine!
What topics would you like to write about? Read about? You can peek at the list of prior topics for a look at what we've done in the past.
What topics would you like to write about? Read about? You can peek at the list of prior topics for a look at what we've done in the past.
December 28, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #33
A straightforward prompt for the end of the year:
What did you learn about open adoption in 2011?
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
Excerpts from the responses (so far):
Kate (adoptive mom) in the comments section: "Finally, I realized that I love my daughter's birthparents. Not 'love them 'cause they made me a mom', not 'love them 'cause they're my daughter's birthparents', but actually love these two people for the human beings they are. Huge to realize this. I think it's the essence of family - love without a reason for loving."
Sparklejenna (adoptive mom): "This sums up another thing I have learned through the process of open adoption, and that is that our children don't belong to us, no matter how they come in to our lives. They are these amazing little beings of the universe and we are just lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of their unfolding."
Debbie (first mom) @ Complicated Debbie: "I've learned that my heart is capable of breaking daily over the same things."
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City: "I think from all the stories I’ve heard this year, all the people I’ve met, I have opened my mind to the far reaches of what adoption can look like. And I am finding a way to not only understand that different isn’t bad, but I have learned that those who may approach things differently than me can teach me a lot if I only open my eyes and pay attention."
Elizabeth (pre-adoptive parent) @ Happy Adoption Story: "This adoption process is going to make me a better person. It already has. I have, in the past, allowed my own insecurities, my tendency to be overly-sensitive, and just plain hurt feelings, make me angry at others. I am quickly realizing that there really isn't going to be much room for that when it comes to this adoption."
Katie (pre-adoptive parent) @ Removing Roadblocks: "This is a big one-I want to spend time with our child's birthmother and her son. They are super-fun to be around and easy to get along with."
Lynn @ (adoptive mom) Open Hearts Open Minds: This year, I learned that relationships in an open adoption, as with any type of relationship, are fluid and evolving.
I am (first dad) @ Statistically Impossible: "I don't have it all worked out. I don't know where this adoption process is going. And I'm not afraid. That's just how relationships go. We never know where they're headed, and in truth, I think I'm glad of that."
Robyn (adoptive mom) @ The Chittister Family: "So, what did I learn about open adoption in 2011? I guess I learned more about what open adoption is like through other people’s eyes."
K (first mom) @ 100 Letters to You: "I hadn't really realized just how much my relationship with O's parents had changed until I started reading through the emails we sent just prior and right after O's birth. We were EXTREMELY close at the time. And now, well, we're just not. But it's a good change for us, and I think we're both pretty comfortable with where we are."
Amy (first mom) @ Ramblings from Real Life: "I learned that open adoption never gets any easier when it comes to emotions. I think that in the past almost eight years I have learned what my emotional triggers are, but there are some that will always pop up that I am not aware of."
MommySquared (adoptive mom) @ Our journey to parenthood and the years that follow: "Also, we did learn never, never close the door on a relationship! We kept that door open never closing it for the possibility of meeting up with our older daughter's birth father...and this summer we reconnected in person spending the day with him, his wife and his daughter during our family visit to Minnesota where he lives and our daughter was born."
Monika (first mom) @ Monika's Musings: "But I learned there is more power in me than I thought. I did more letting go this year in my relationship with my daughter & her parents. This is not to say that I'm abandoning the relationship. However, I'm worrying just a little bit less that the investing I've done in the relationship will be for naught."
Kelly (adoptive mom) @ Making Monkey Soup: "We still haven’t come to a place where we have decided one way or another to open our adoption, but I know that I have people out there who can be a resource for us, and a support group of other parents who have been successful in opening what had been closed foster care adoptions. Just learning that there are families out there who have been able to make an open adoption happen, when the social workers have stated they thought it would be better to keep things closed, makes me feel that my gut feelings about opening our adoption up could work."
Jenna (first mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land: "But it comes down to this: I won’t apologize for my family. I won’t change how we do things just to make you feel better. I won’t quit doing what I’m doing just so you feel better about the path your life journey has taken."
KatjaMichelle (first mom) @ Therapy is Expensive: "Lesson 2: I have a voice and I need to use it."
Venessa (adoptive mom) @ A Journey of Love: "I am so thankful for that we still have a relationship with the birth mom and birth father. I want them to continue to be part of our daughters story. So no matter what, I will do what I can to make this relationship work. Many people dont agree with me or my husband on this but again, it is our adoption and only we know what is best for us in this situation."
Barb Sobel (first mom) @ Sideshow Barb: "Finally, at 38, I discovered that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. My Jr High math teacher would be proud. Aristotle, too. And my therapist."
DrSpouse (pre-adoptive parent) @ What am I?: "It is possible to be too open - I had a very early lesson in how even seemingly innocuous information can be misinterpreted."
Karen (adoptive mom) @ Karen's Adoption Journey: "Seeing those photos, I realized with a clarity that had escaped me prior to that moment that we did not leave his family behind in Ethiopia. Despite the hardships of distance and communication, we are not two separate families, but rather one large one, joined by our love for one little boy."
Danielle (first mom) @ Another Version of Mother: "I will always be a 'birthmother'. I cannot take back anything that happened to me almost a decade ago. A thought that both comforts me and renders me feeling so helpless that I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep forever."
Amber (adoptive mom) and Ashley (first mom) @ Bumber's Bumblings: "I've been thinking about where to go with this topic for a few days and when Ashley, B's birth mom came for a visit today, it popped into my head. I know you have so enjoyed hearing from her in the few blogs she has written or participated with me on. I randomly asked her the question above today."
Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox: "If you would have asked me a year ago, if I thought our relationship with his side of our family would be what it is, I would have said no. I didn't think it was possible... but I was also basing my opinions on the way L acted in May and June. She was upset and scared and lashed out and I'm just thankful that we were all able to get past that."
Geochick (adoptive mom) @ An Engineer Becomes a Mom: "It’s up to the adoptive parents to do the heavy lifting. First-parents get the short end of the stick when it comes to adoption. They are often written off as horrible people, after all who would give away their baby? The horrors! That’s not true, but if you’re hearing from home, from your friends, from society in general to forget about the baby and move on, wouldn’t you feel tentative about initiating conversations with the adoptive parents? It’s up to the adoptive parents to reach out and indicate that contact is welcome. "
Kristin (adoptive mom) @ Parenthood Path: "The fact is, D does have two mothers, two mommies. But this was a new test, and I found that sometimes my heart (and insecurities?) makes it a challenge to practice what I preach. That was something important that I learned about my open adoption in 2011."
Meghann (adoptive mom) @ Everyday Miracles: "In 2011 I learned that our everyday life has very little to do with open adoption and is, at the same time, imbued with it. The things we do—going to the library, feeding the ducks at the park, grocery shopping, playing, cooking, reading together, eating, bathing, breathing, sleeping…—none of these has the least to do with adoption. But if it weren’t for adoption, we wouldn’t have anyone to do them with. That realization is constant, even though I am not constantly—consciously—thinking about adoption."
Momo Meg (adoptive mom) @ Momosapien: "I’ve pushed myself to be very clear in my communication with LB’s mom, and to communicate even things that feel challenging to me. As our contact has ebbed and flowed this year, I’ve also given myself a chance to notice those patterns and recognize that they likely have more to do with the cycles in our lives than with anything we have or haven’t done. I’ve attempted to be more present and authentic when we interact, instead of being overwhelmed and nervous."
Camille (adoptive mom) @ Embracing the Odyssey: "Your feelings as an adoptive parent aren’t so important when compared with what is best for your child. And so I know this may offend some folks, but it’s important enough to risk ridicule. I’ve got to say, I don’t understand the people I’ve met who are actively seeking closed adoptions when so much evidence (blogs, testimonials, research studies, etc.) points to the benefits of open relationships."
Coley (first mom) @ Living the Bittersweet Life: "I have learned that the time I have spent cultivating a relationship with Charlie before he was old enough to even reciprocate it was not in vain. He is well aware of who I am and our bond. I now think that had I not invested time and energy into our relationship from the very beginning he might not be as comfortable with me as he is."
Ginnie (first mom) @ Momma's Word Soup: "When we left that lunch I felt like that big weight with "Less Than" stamped on it had been magically lifted from me. I am not Less Than anyone. I am actually More Than many people. I may even be More Than Baby Girl's APs in some ways."
What did you learn about open adoption in 2011?
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
Excerpts from the responses (so far):
Kate (adoptive mom) in the comments section: "Finally, I realized that I love my daughter's birthparents. Not 'love them 'cause they made me a mom', not 'love them 'cause they're my daughter's birthparents', but actually love these two people for the human beings they are. Huge to realize this. I think it's the essence of family - love without a reason for loving."
Sparklejenna (adoptive mom): "This sums up another thing I have learned through the process of open adoption, and that is that our children don't belong to us, no matter how they come in to our lives. They are these amazing little beings of the universe and we are just lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of their unfolding."
Debbie (first mom) @ Complicated Debbie: "I've learned that my heart is capable of breaking daily over the same things."
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City: "I think from all the stories I’ve heard this year, all the people I’ve met, I have opened my mind to the far reaches of what adoption can look like. And I am finding a way to not only understand that different isn’t bad, but I have learned that those who may approach things differently than me can teach me a lot if I only open my eyes and pay attention."
Elizabeth (pre-adoptive parent) @ Happy Adoption Story: "This adoption process is going to make me a better person. It already has. I have, in the past, allowed my own insecurities, my tendency to be overly-sensitive, and just plain hurt feelings, make me angry at others. I am quickly realizing that there really isn't going to be much room for that when it comes to this adoption."
Katie (pre-adoptive parent) @ Removing Roadblocks: "This is a big one-I want to spend time with our child's birthmother and her son. They are super-fun to be around and easy to get along with."
Lynn @ (adoptive mom) Open Hearts Open Minds: This year, I learned that relationships in an open adoption, as with any type of relationship, are fluid and evolving.
I am (first dad) @ Statistically Impossible: "I don't have it all worked out. I don't know where this adoption process is going. And I'm not afraid. That's just how relationships go. We never know where they're headed, and in truth, I think I'm glad of that."
Robyn (adoptive mom) @ The Chittister Family: "So, what did I learn about open adoption in 2011? I guess I learned more about what open adoption is like through other people’s eyes."
K (first mom) @ 100 Letters to You: "I hadn't really realized just how much my relationship with O's parents had changed until I started reading through the emails we sent just prior and right after O's birth. We were EXTREMELY close at the time. And now, well, we're just not. But it's a good change for us, and I think we're both pretty comfortable with where we are."
Amy (first mom) @ Ramblings from Real Life: "I learned that open adoption never gets any easier when it comes to emotions. I think that in the past almost eight years I have learned what my emotional triggers are, but there are some that will always pop up that I am not aware of."
MommySquared (adoptive mom) @ Our journey to parenthood and the years that follow: "Also, we did learn never, never close the door on a relationship! We kept that door open never closing it for the possibility of meeting up with our older daughter's birth father...and this summer we reconnected in person spending the day with him, his wife and his daughter during our family visit to Minnesota where he lives and our daughter was born."
Monika (first mom) @ Monika's Musings: "But I learned there is more power in me than I thought. I did more letting go this year in my relationship with my daughter & her parents. This is not to say that I'm abandoning the relationship. However, I'm worrying just a little bit less that the investing I've done in the relationship will be for naught."
Kelly (adoptive mom) @ Making Monkey Soup: "We still haven’t come to a place where we have decided one way or another to open our adoption, but I know that I have people out there who can be a resource for us, and a support group of other parents who have been successful in opening what had been closed foster care adoptions. Just learning that there are families out there who have been able to make an open adoption happen, when the social workers have stated they thought it would be better to keep things closed, makes me feel that my gut feelings about opening our adoption up could work."
Jenna (first mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land: "But it comes down to this: I won’t apologize for my family. I won’t change how we do things just to make you feel better. I won’t quit doing what I’m doing just so you feel better about the path your life journey has taken."
KatjaMichelle (first mom) @ Therapy is Expensive: "Lesson 2: I have a voice and I need to use it."
Venessa (adoptive mom) @ A Journey of Love: "I am so thankful for that we still have a relationship with the birth mom and birth father. I want them to continue to be part of our daughters story. So no matter what, I will do what I can to make this relationship work. Many people dont agree with me or my husband on this but again, it is our adoption and only we know what is best for us in this situation."
Barb Sobel (first mom) @ Sideshow Barb: "Finally, at 38, I discovered that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. My Jr High math teacher would be proud. Aristotle, too. And my therapist."
DrSpouse (pre-adoptive parent) @ What am I?: "It is possible to be too open - I had a very early lesson in how even seemingly innocuous information can be misinterpreted."
Karen (adoptive mom) @ Karen's Adoption Journey: "Seeing those photos, I realized with a clarity that had escaped me prior to that moment that we did not leave his family behind in Ethiopia. Despite the hardships of distance and communication, we are not two separate families, but rather one large one, joined by our love for one little boy."
Danielle (first mom) @ Another Version of Mother: "I will always be a 'birthmother'. I cannot take back anything that happened to me almost a decade ago. A thought that both comforts me and renders me feeling so helpless that I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep forever."
Amber (adoptive mom) and Ashley (first mom) @ Bumber's Bumblings: "I've been thinking about where to go with this topic for a few days and when Ashley, B's birth mom came for a visit today, it popped into my head. I know you have so enjoyed hearing from her in the few blogs she has written or participated with me on. I randomly asked her the question above today."
Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox: "If you would have asked me a year ago, if I thought our relationship with his side of our family would be what it is, I would have said no. I didn't think it was possible... but I was also basing my opinions on the way L acted in May and June. She was upset and scared and lashed out and I'm just thankful that we were all able to get past that."
Geochick (adoptive mom) @ An Engineer Becomes a Mom: "It’s up to the adoptive parents to do the heavy lifting. First-parents get the short end of the stick when it comes to adoption. They are often written off as horrible people, after all who would give away their baby? The horrors! That’s not true, but if you’re hearing from home, from your friends, from society in general to forget about the baby and move on, wouldn’t you feel tentative about initiating conversations with the adoptive parents? It’s up to the adoptive parents to reach out and indicate that contact is welcome. "
Kristin (adoptive mom) @ Parenthood Path: "The fact is, D does have two mothers, two mommies. But this was a new test, and I found that sometimes my heart (and insecurities?) makes it a challenge to practice what I preach. That was something important that I learned about my open adoption in 2011."
Meghann (adoptive mom) @ Everyday Miracles: "In 2011 I learned that our everyday life has very little to do with open adoption and is, at the same time, imbued with it. The things we do—going to the library, feeding the ducks at the park, grocery shopping, playing, cooking, reading together, eating, bathing, breathing, sleeping…—none of these has the least to do with adoption. But if it weren’t for adoption, we wouldn’t have anyone to do them with. That realization is constant, even though I am not constantly—consciously—thinking about adoption."
Momo Meg (adoptive mom) @ Momosapien: "I’ve pushed myself to be very clear in my communication with LB’s mom, and to communicate even things that feel challenging to me. As our contact has ebbed and flowed this year, I’ve also given myself a chance to notice those patterns and recognize that they likely have more to do with the cycles in our lives than with anything we have or haven’t done. I’ve attempted to be more present and authentic when we interact, instead of being overwhelmed and nervous."
Camille (adoptive mom) @ Embracing the Odyssey: "Your feelings as an adoptive parent aren’t so important when compared with what is best for your child. And so I know this may offend some folks, but it’s important enough to risk ridicule. I’ve got to say, I don’t understand the people I’ve met who are actively seeking closed adoptions when so much evidence (blogs, testimonials, research studies, etc.) points to the benefits of open relationships."
Coley (first mom) @ Living the Bittersweet Life: "I have learned that the time I have spent cultivating a relationship with Charlie before he was old enough to even reciprocate it was not in vain. He is well aware of who I am and our bond. I now think that had I not invested time and energy into our relationship from the very beginning he might not be as comfortable with me as he is."
Ginnie (first mom) @ Momma's Word Soup: "When we left that lunch I felt like that big weight with "Less Than" stamped on it had been magically lifted from me. I am not Less Than anyone. I am actually More Than many people. I may even be More Than Baby Girl's APs in some ways."
December 14, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #32
This topic is becoming something of an annual December tradition for the Open Adoption Bloggers! Last year we wrote about how open adoption intersects with our holiday traditions. Two years ago we wrote in general about open adoption and the holiday season.
This time we are going to focus in on one specific memory and record another small moment in the ongoing stories of adoption in our lives. Share a holiday memory that involves open adoption.
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
Cindy (first mom) in comments shares how social media lets her witness her son's celebrations.
Amber (adoptive mom) @ Bumber's Bumblings writes about how meaningful it is to be included in one of her son's first family's annual traditions.
I Was Anne (adoptive mom) @ Tears of/and Joy recalls a poignant Christmas gift to her daughter from her first mom.
Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox writes about making holiday gifts with her son for his birth families.
Debbie (adoptive and foster mom) @ Always and Forever Family talks about using Skype to open gifts "in person" and spending the holidays with her foster daughters' family.
Venessa (adoptive mom) @ A Journey of Love writes about picking out a gift for her daughter's first parents during this first year of the adoption.
Robyn (adoptive mom) @ The Chittister Family worries about the crises that hit her son's first family during this time of the year.
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City writes about her shifting thoughts about connecting her son with the holiday traditions from her childhood.
Amy (pre-adoptive parent) @ Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt takes a moment to imagine what could be in future Christmases.
Momo Meg (adoptive mom) @ Momosapien recalls the bittersweetness of her first Christmas with her daughter, grappling with the emotional and physical distance from her first mom alongside her joy.
Jenna (first mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land looks back to the fear and hope of the first Christmas after placing her daughter.
Sonya (adoptive mom) @ The Dobbins Boys celebrates the mutual warmth and acceptance in the Christmas celebrations with her son's birth family.
Heather (adoptive mom) @ Production, Not Reproduction appreciates the comfort of familiar holiday rituals with her daughter's first mom.
Prabha (adoptive mom) @ Baby Steps to a Baby Dream reflects on the tiny shifts each year in her relationship with her daughters' first mom, dreaming of what could be in Christmases to come.
Tiffany (adoptive mom) @ Finding K shares how her new daughter's adoption represents hope and perseverance to her during this holiday season.
A Life Being Lived (first mom) @ Carrying a Cat by the Tail talks about the gift tradition she's started that will last throughout the years.
Gstf344 (adoptive mom) @ Heart Full of Love remembers a moment from her son's Christmas birth that is particularly special to her.
This time we are going to focus in on one specific memory and record another small moment in the ongoing stories of adoption in our lives. Share a holiday memory that involves open adoption.
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
Cindy (first mom) in comments shares how social media lets her witness her son's celebrations.
Amber (adoptive mom) @ Bumber's Bumblings writes about how meaningful it is to be included in one of her son's first family's annual traditions.
I Was Anne (adoptive mom) @ Tears of/and Joy recalls a poignant Christmas gift to her daughter from her first mom.
Cat (adoptive mom) @ Cat's Litterbox writes about making holiday gifts with her son for his birth families.
Debbie (adoptive and foster mom) @ Always and Forever Family talks about using Skype to open gifts "in person" and spending the holidays with her foster daughters' family.
Venessa (adoptive mom) @ A Journey of Love writes about picking out a gift for her daughter's first parents during this first year of the adoption.
Robyn (adoptive mom) @ The Chittister Family worries about the crises that hit her son's first family during this time of the year.
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City writes about her shifting thoughts about connecting her son with the holiday traditions from her childhood.
Amy (pre-adoptive parent) @ Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt takes a moment to imagine what could be in future Christmases.
Momo Meg (adoptive mom) @ Momosapien recalls the bittersweetness of her first Christmas with her daughter, grappling with the emotional and physical distance from her first mom alongside her joy.
Jenna (first mom) @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land looks back to the fear and hope of the first Christmas after placing her daughter.
Sonya (adoptive mom) @ The Dobbins Boys celebrates the mutual warmth and acceptance in the Christmas celebrations with her son's birth family.
Heather (adoptive mom) @ Production, Not Reproduction appreciates the comfort of familiar holiday rituals with her daughter's first mom.
Prabha (adoptive mom) @ Baby Steps to a Baby Dream reflects on the tiny shifts each year in her relationship with her daughters' first mom, dreaming of what could be in Christmases to come.
Tiffany (adoptive mom) @ Finding K shares how her new daughter's adoption represents hope and perseverance to her during this holiday season.
A Life Being Lived (first mom) @ Carrying a Cat by the Tail talks about the gift tradition she's started that will last throughout the years.
Gstf344 (adoptive mom) @ Heart Full of Love remembers a moment from her son's Christmas birth that is particularly special to her.
October 19, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #31
With Halloween just around the corner, I thought this prompt would fit right in:
Write about open adoption and being scared.
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
The responses, so far:
Write about open adoption and being scared.
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
The responses, so far:
October 10, 2011
My First Time
I had a hazy memory of writing about the first time I heard about open adoption before and I was right. Four years ago (before Marian!), I wrote:
I'm remembering the first time I heard about open adoption. T and I, freshly engaged, were visiting friends who had recently adopted. Over dessert in their living room, they told us the story of waiting and matching and being at their daughter's birth. It was a semi-open adoption and they lost touch with her first mother almost immediately after placement. I thought then that they had lucked out--they got to be there at the beginning of their daughter's life and didn't even have to bother with her birth mother after that. (My cheeks burn, remembering now.)
As I sat on their couch and sipped my coffee I had no idea that years later the thought of losing touch with my son's first parents like that would make my heart skip a beat.
I have such strong memories of that whole evening, from the shirt I was wearing to where we sat as our friends told their story. I remember my friend saying with such absolute joy, "I love adoption!" It all seemed so uncomplicated to me then, so neat and tidy. The way I saw it at that point: my friends were overjoyed to be parents, the little baby would grow up in an amazing family, her birth mom was apparently confident in her decision, and they'd always be able to tell their little girl how much her birth mom loved her because they had been able to meet her.
I really had no idea.
I understand folks who only see joy in adoption because that's all they've been exposed to. Because that used to be me. Being exposed to adoption's complexity and still insisting on only acknowledging the joy? That is harder for me to grasp.
Read other bloggers' recollections of learning about open adoption at the latest roundtable.
I really had no idea.
I understand folks who only see joy in adoption because that's all they've been exposed to. Because that used to be me. Being exposed to adoption's complexity and still insisting on only acknowledging the joy? That is harder for me to grasp.
Read other bloggers' recollections of learning about open adoption at the latest roundtable.
October 05, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #30
Roundtable time! This one is another chance to think back on the origins of our open adoptions.
Do you remember the first time you heard about open adoption?
If you need some further prompting: What were the circumstances? What was your reaction? If you grew up in an open adoption, do you remember the first time you heard the label applied to your relationships?
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
The responses (so far):
Do you remember the first time you heard about open adoption?
If you need some further prompting: What were the circumstances? What was your reaction? If you grew up in an open adoption, do you remember the first time you heard the label applied to your relationships?
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
***
The responses (so far):
September 17, 2011
My Favorite Post (Right Now)
It's hard to pick out just one post, isn't it? Do I go for an on-a-soapbox post that gets me riled up? One that tugs at my heart strings? Or just toss out one for which I've always had an oddball affection? (Wow, I used to be a lot more snarky en blog. What happened to me?)
But Amy commented on a very old post the other day called "Four Things," so I read it again for the first time in a long time and remembered how much it meant to me to write it. It reminds me how much had changed in my perspective on adoption during the three years between walking into Adoption Agency #1's information meeting and the writing of that post--due in no small part to the stories and people I had found online. So please enjoy my current favorite post!
This is my contribution to the latest Open Adoption Roundtable, where you can read about other blogger's favorite posts.
But Amy commented on a very old post the other day called "Four Things," so I read it again for the first time in a long time and remembered how much it meant to me to write it. It reminds me how much had changed in my perspective on adoption during the three years between walking into Adoption Agency #1's information meeting and the writing of that post--due in no small part to the stories and people I had found online. So please enjoy my current favorite post!
This is my contribution to the latest Open Adoption Roundtable, where you can read about other blogger's favorite posts.
September 14, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #29
One of my favorite events at the BlogHer conference last month was Listen to Your Mother, an open mic style show where bloggers threw their names in a bowl for the chance to read their favorite blog posts. Out loud. In front of people. Many, many people whom they had never met. Brave little bloggers, they were.
It was a blast for me as an audience member, not only hearing some great writing, but getting a tiny glimpse into the bloggers themselves. They had to pick one post from the whole of their blog and say this is the one I want to share with everyone. Not necessarily their most popular post or most influential post (although some of them probably were). But the one that meant something to them and that they felt represented them. Some were hilarious, some were poignant. They all made me feel like I learned something about the people reading them. As a bonus, I discovered some new blogs to read.
I thought it could be fun to do an open mic style roundtable. Our group is growing and a lot of us haven't "met" each other yet. So point us to a favorite post on your blog. It doesn't even need to be about adoption. And tell us a little bit about why you picked the one you did.
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here.
***
The responses:
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here.
***
The responses:
July 19, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #28
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.
This round is a smidge different--time for some cross-blog pollination! Lori of Write Mind Open Heart, an adoptive parent in two open adoptions, has up at her blog a set of eleven questions about open adoption which were posed to her by JoAnne, an adult adoptee in a closed adoption. There are some questions there about the role adoption professionals played arranging contact in your adoptions and how you understand the legal weight of any open adoption agreements you may have.
Here is how to participate in this roundtable:
This round is a smidge different--time for some cross-blog pollination! Lori of Write Mind Open Heart, an adoptive parent in two open adoptions, has up at her blog a set of eleven questions about open adoption which were posed to her by JoAnne, an adult adoptee in a closed adoption. There are some questions there about the role adoption professionals played arranging contact in your adoptions and how you understand the legal weight of any open adoption agreements you may have.
Here is how to participate in this roundtable:
- Head over to Write Mind Open Heart to see the eleven questions.
- Write up your answers and add your blog to the linky at WMOH by August 31
- Come back here and add a link to your post in the comments of this post. I'll create a list here as well, so that the responses can be archived along with our other roundtable topics. (This step is not required, but extra exposure never hurts!)
The responses:
Racilous @ Adoption in the City
Monika @ Monika's Musings
Susiebook @ Endure for a Night
KatjaMichele @ Therapy is Expensive
Jenna @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land
I am @ Statistically Impossible
Kelly @ From Empty Womb to Overflowing Heart
Thanksgivingmom @ I Should Really Be Working
Spyderkl @ Evil Mommy
Socialwrkr24/7 @ Eyes Opened Wider
anotherversionofmother @ Another Version of Mother
Amy @ Ramblings from Real Life
Meghann @ Everyday Miracles
Meg @ God Will Fill This Nest
Lori @ Write Mind Open Heart (and again)
Robyn @ Chittister Children
Cat @ Cat's Litterbox
Jewls @ Julie's Scribbles
Geochick @ An Engineer Becomes a Mom
Lynn @ Open Hearts Open Minds
Jenni @ Momma's Word Soup
Monika @ Monika's Musings
Susiebook @ Endure for a Night
KatjaMichele @ Therapy is Expensive
Jenna @ The Chronicles of Munchkin Land
I am @ Statistically Impossible
Kelly @ From Empty Womb to Overflowing Heart
Thanksgivingmom @ I Should Really Be Working
Spyderkl @ Evil Mommy
Socialwrkr24/7 @ Eyes Opened Wider
anotherversionofmother @ Another Version of Mother
Amy @ Ramblings from Real Life
Meghann @ Everyday Miracles
Meg @ God Will Fill This Nest
Lori @ Write Mind Open Heart (and again)
Robyn @ Chittister Children
Cat @ Cat's Litterbox
Jewls @ Julie's Scribbles
Geochick @ An Engineer Becomes a Mom
Lynn @ Open Hearts Open Minds
Jenni @ Momma's Word Soup
July 07, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #27
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
I'm still thinking quite a bit about memories and the different ways we preserve them for the generations following us. I thought we'd try a memory-oriented prompt for this round. Feel free to interpret "first meeting" and make a connection to your adoption experience however you'd like.
Write about a first meeting.
***
The responses, so far:
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
I'm still thinking quite a bit about memories and the different ways we preserve them for the generations following us. I thought we'd try a memory-oriented prompt for this round. Feel free to interpret "first meeting" and make a connection to your adoption experience however you'd like.
Write about a first meeting.
***
The responses, so far:
June 02, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #26
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments or at the Open Adoption Bloggers Facebook page.
Open adoption blogger Susiebook suggested we write about how to talk about siblings in open adoption. I thought it was a great idea: a chance to share some practical information with each other from our different experiences and perspectives. It may be that birth parents are parenting older or younger siblings, or that siblings were placed in different adoptive families. What words do we use to talk about that? How do we frame it? What questions or issues have come up?
How do/would you talk with children about siblings in open adoption? How do you approach this as a (first or adoptive) parent, or how was it handled in your family if you grew up with siblings who didn't live with you? For prospective adoptive parents or first parents without other children, has this been something you've thought about how you would approach?
***
The responses so far:
Lavender Luz (adoptive mom) @ Write Mind Open Heart: "'You know, Mom,' [my daughter] said as I peeled carrots for that night’s dinner, 'Reed’s not my REAL brother. He’s just a step.'"
Kelly L (adoptive mom) @ Surprised By Hope: "So how does one pick out a card for a birth brother, just turning 13, who's moved across the country and hasn't seen Sasha in 1 1/2 years. I want something to show him we still care, we want him to know Sasha, and hope they will have a relationship as she grows. So how can you sum that up and get a Big Brother card? One without phrases like...I love all the memories we create, pillow fights, baseball games, etc."
Debbie (first mom) @ Complications of a Mastermind: "I think that will be important -- letting my children know that I do love B and have always. They will know of him as their sibling still. I hope they do get to meet him and love him as I do. They will also know that their father WAS the right person, that I was prepared this time and that I will NEVER leave them (abandon, whichever fear they might be feeling)."
Lia (first mom) @ Lia--Not Juno: "I’d want my squinches to grow up thinking about Damian the way I thought about the Beatles – you know, 'they’re just some guys we know, of course we listen to their music – wait, you’ve heard of them too? No way! I didn’t know other people knew them!' As a child I took the Beatles for granted, and never knew they were a big deal until, probably, middle school. I want that to be how Damian is to any squinches I raise – 'yeah, I have a brother (or half-brother), his name is Damian, he lives with Paul and Linda and – what? That’s weird? I had no idea… don’t you have a brother that lives somewhere else?'"
Susiebook (first mom) @ Endure for a Night: "My understanding of the best interests of the adopted child (not thought up on my own, but heard from vaguely remembered experts) is that children own all of their stories, and that it is the parents’ obligation to give them all of their information—in age-appropriate ways, of course, and gently—but all of it. I’m not parenting Cricket, and I honestly don’t want to tell him anything. I want to send him to his moms if he has questions, dodging any awkward conversations until he’s taller than I am. But I want and need to tell Joey what happened, and why, and that it won’t happen to him and that I wish it had never happened at all. I am going to tell him all of that—I just want not to hurt anyone. That may be impossible."
Tammy (adoptive mom) @ You Just Never Know Where Hope Might Take Ya: "All that said, I also do say to both of them from time to time, 'you know what? That is a great question, and I know you want an answer. But would you be able to trust me with the answer until Daddy and I believe you are ready to handle it?' And most of the time, for the very hard things, they do trust us. And for that I am thankful. And I have written their questions down in a journal so I don't forget to answer them when they are ready. I check it every six months or so to see if there is a conversation we need to have. And I carry the burden of the 'keeper of the story' with seriousness. And hope and pray with each conversation that we say what our child should hear."
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City: "So when I think that all out, I realize the issues all start when I relate my love of J with my placement of him. I love J more than anything. I also felt I didn’t have any good options so I chose the best of the worst options, which was to place him. My circumstances led me to place. But the fact I placed him has no impact on the place J has in my heart. Similarly, because I placed J, I realized I never wanted myself, or any of my future children, to go through something like that again. So I have made a promise to myself that I would never put myself in that situation again."
Jay (adoptive mom) @ Two Women Blogging: "When Eve was eight, she put Mark's school picture on her bulletin board with a note saying 'MY BROTHER' and a big pink heart. She started asking more often - not to see Laura, but to meet Mark. We were stuck with the same response because we couldn't get past our own fear and anxiety about opening the adoption for real. We stalled. We equivocated. We kept saying 'Someday'. Finally, when she'd just turned ten, Eve looked at me and said 'Mommy, you always say that you're going to do it, but you never do. I want to see my brother'."
My name is Andy (adult adoptee, adoptive mom) @ Today's the Day!: "Liam has not asked the “difficult” question yet – Why did “K” keep “C” and “J” and not me? I think that it may be due in part to the fact that we talk openly and frequently about his family, the circumstances of his birth and adoption and how things change. I also think that having always talked about his siblings has made them just a part of his reality. There was never a sudden let’s-sit-down-and-talk moment of them being revealed to him."
DrSpouse (prospective adoptive parent) @ What am I?: "Contact with birth siblings is actually far more common in the UK than is contact with birth parents. It would be very rare here for adoptive parents not to have information about birth siblings, either older or younger, and adoptive parents here would understand that more (and do express frustration with the adopters of their child's siblings, who won't keep contact)."
Meghann (adoptive mom) @ Everyday Miracle: "Let me back up a bit, for those who don’t know our story: Our children are biological siblings, and they also have biological siblings who are being parented by their mother. Which means the sibling issue is a little more complicated for us, in many ways, than for your typical family-by-adoption—and in some ways, it’s also a bit less complicated."
Robyn @ The Chittister Family: "Jack is very proud of having siblings. He often laments that his brothers and sister don’t live with us. He finally sort of asked why that is – why S parents them and we parent him. I paraphrased a comment that I got on my Open Adoption Roundtable post from October 2010: S knew that adoption was the best choice. But it was very hard to let you go. It made her very sad. When she had Baby A and CJ, she just didn’t want to be that sad again."
Maureen (adoptive mom) @ Twenty Birds: "Ian’s brother is like our shadow-child. He is with us all the time, almost-visible, an almost-tangible boy who disappears when we think too much about him. A lost child we might never find. I want him one day to take on all the weight of corporeality in our lives, to become a flesh-and-blood presence. So Ian can play with him and talk with him and fight with him, like brothers do."
Mama C (adoptive mom) @ Mama C and the Boys: "It wasn’t until he was developmentally ready to get that those beautiful brown kids who were her beautiful brown kids, were also his siblings. I remember the first time it came up, when he was newly five. It was accidental and semi perfect. He was looking at their picture, and asked me whose kids they were. I asked him who he thought they were, and before we knew it, Sam has big brothers and a sister. To him it was the jack pot. He asked over and over if it was true, and was he really their brother too?"
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments or at the Open Adoption Bloggers Facebook page.
Open adoption blogger Susiebook suggested we write about how to talk about siblings in open adoption. I thought it was a great idea: a chance to share some practical information with each other from our different experiences and perspectives. It may be that birth parents are parenting older or younger siblings, or that siblings were placed in different adoptive families. What words do we use to talk about that? How do we frame it? What questions or issues have come up?
How do/would you talk with children about siblings in open adoption? How do you approach this as a (first or adoptive) parent, or how was it handled in your family if you grew up with siblings who didn't live with you? For prospective adoptive parents or first parents without other children, has this been something you've thought about how you would approach?
***
The responses so far:
Lavender Luz (adoptive mom) @ Write Mind Open Heart: "'You know, Mom,' [my daughter] said as I peeled carrots for that night’s dinner, 'Reed’s not my REAL brother. He’s just a step.'"
Kelly L (adoptive mom) @ Surprised By Hope: "So how does one pick out a card for a birth brother, just turning 13, who's moved across the country and hasn't seen Sasha in 1 1/2 years. I want something to show him we still care, we want him to know Sasha, and hope they will have a relationship as she grows. So how can you sum that up and get a Big Brother card? One without phrases like...I love all the memories we create, pillow fights, baseball games, etc."
Debbie (first mom) @ Complications of a Mastermind: "I think that will be important -- letting my children know that I do love B and have always. They will know of him as their sibling still. I hope they do get to meet him and love him as I do. They will also know that their father WAS the right person, that I was prepared this time and that I will NEVER leave them (abandon, whichever fear they might be feeling)."
Lia (first mom) @ Lia--Not Juno: "I’d want my squinches to grow up thinking about Damian the way I thought about the Beatles – you know, 'they’re just some guys we know, of course we listen to their music – wait, you’ve heard of them too? No way! I didn’t know other people knew them!' As a child I took the Beatles for granted, and never knew they were a big deal until, probably, middle school. I want that to be how Damian is to any squinches I raise – 'yeah, I have a brother (or half-brother), his name is Damian, he lives with Paul and Linda and – what? That’s weird? I had no idea… don’t you have a brother that lives somewhere else?'"
Susiebook (first mom) @ Endure for a Night: "My understanding of the best interests of the adopted child (not thought up on my own, but heard from vaguely remembered experts) is that children own all of their stories, and that it is the parents’ obligation to give them all of their information—in age-appropriate ways, of course, and gently—but all of it. I’m not parenting Cricket, and I honestly don’t want to tell him anything. I want to send him to his moms if he has questions, dodging any awkward conversations until he’s taller than I am. But I want and need to tell Joey what happened, and why, and that it won’t happen to him and that I wish it had never happened at all. I am going to tell him all of that—I just want not to hurt anyone. That may be impossible."
Tammy (adoptive mom) @ You Just Never Know Where Hope Might Take Ya: "All that said, I also do say to both of them from time to time, 'you know what? That is a great question, and I know you want an answer. But would you be able to trust me with the answer until Daddy and I believe you are ready to handle it?' And most of the time, for the very hard things, they do trust us. And for that I am thankful. And I have written their questions down in a journal so I don't forget to answer them when they are ready. I check it every six months or so to see if there is a conversation we need to have. And I carry the burden of the 'keeper of the story' with seriousness. And hope and pray with each conversation that we say what our child should hear."
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City: "So when I think that all out, I realize the issues all start when I relate my love of J with my placement of him. I love J more than anything. I also felt I didn’t have any good options so I chose the best of the worst options, which was to place him. My circumstances led me to place. But the fact I placed him has no impact on the place J has in my heart. Similarly, because I placed J, I realized I never wanted myself, or any of my future children, to go through something like that again. So I have made a promise to myself that I would never put myself in that situation again."
Jay (adoptive mom) @ Two Women Blogging: "When Eve was eight, she put Mark's school picture on her bulletin board with a note saying 'MY BROTHER' and a big pink heart. She started asking more often - not to see Laura, but to meet Mark. We were stuck with the same response because we couldn't get past our own fear and anxiety about opening the adoption for real. We stalled. We equivocated. We kept saying 'Someday'. Finally, when she'd just turned ten, Eve looked at me and said 'Mommy, you always say that you're going to do it, but you never do. I want to see my brother'."
My name is Andy (adult adoptee, adoptive mom) @ Today's the Day!: "Liam has not asked the “difficult” question yet – Why did “K” keep “C” and “J” and not me? I think that it may be due in part to the fact that we talk openly and frequently about his family, the circumstances of his birth and adoption and how things change. I also think that having always talked about his siblings has made them just a part of his reality. There was never a sudden let’s-sit-down-and-talk moment of them being revealed to him."
DrSpouse (prospective adoptive parent) @ What am I?: "Contact with birth siblings is actually far more common in the UK than is contact with birth parents. It would be very rare here for adoptive parents not to have information about birth siblings, either older or younger, and adoptive parents here would understand that more (and do express frustration with the adopters of their child's siblings, who won't keep contact)."
Meghann (adoptive mom) @ Everyday Miracle: "Let me back up a bit, for those who don’t know our story: Our children are biological siblings, and they also have biological siblings who are being parented by their mother. Which means the sibling issue is a little more complicated for us, in many ways, than for your typical family-by-adoption—and in some ways, it’s also a bit less complicated."
Robyn @ The Chittister Family: "Jack is very proud of having siblings. He often laments that his brothers and sister don’t live with us. He finally sort of asked why that is – why S parents them and we parent him. I paraphrased a comment that I got on my Open Adoption Roundtable post from October 2010: S knew that adoption was the best choice. But it was very hard to let you go. It made her very sad. When she had Baby A and CJ, she just didn’t want to be that sad again."
Maureen (adoptive mom) @ Twenty Birds: "Ian’s brother is like our shadow-child. He is with us all the time, almost-visible, an almost-tangible boy who disappears when we think too much about him. A lost child we might never find. I want him one day to take on all the weight of corporeality in our lives, to become a flesh-and-blood presence. So Ian can play with him and talk with him and fight with him, like brothers do."
Mama C (adoptive mom) @ Mama C and the Boys: "It wasn’t until he was developmentally ready to get that those beautiful brown kids who were her beautiful brown kids, were also his siblings. I remember the first time it came up, when he was newly five. It was accidental and semi perfect. He was looking at their picture, and asked me whose kids they were. I asked him who he thought they were, and before we knew it, Sam has big brothers and a sister. To him it was the jack pot. He asked over and over if it was true, and was he really their brother too?"
April 05, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #25
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments or at the Open Adoption Bloggers Facebook page.
During a January roundtable, when we answered a set of questions posed by an adoptive mom in a closed adoption, almost every one--even those in thriving, healthy open adoptions--pointed out that sometimes open adoption is flat-out hard.
I thought it would be worth exploring that difficulty some more and sharing our experiences. I know that it's those hard times that have been the most lonely for me in our family's open adoptions. It was easy to convince myself that, unlike me, my adoptive parent peers were nothing but secure, facing any challenges with graceful confidence. Finding out that wasn't true--and gaining perspective on what might be going on for the other constellation members during those same rough times--has made a world of difference.
Let's tell our stories. Our topic for this round:
Has open adoption ever felt like too much? Have you ever wanted to walk away?
***
The responses:
Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments or at the Open Adoption Bloggers Facebook page.
During a January roundtable, when we answered a set of questions posed by an adoptive mom in a closed adoption, almost every one--even those in thriving, healthy open adoptions--pointed out that sometimes open adoption is flat-out hard.
I thought it would be worth exploring that difficulty some more and sharing our experiences. I know that it's those hard times that have been the most lonely for me in our family's open adoptions. It was easy to convince myself that, unlike me, my adoptive parent peers were nothing but secure, facing any challenges with graceful confidence. Finding out that wasn't true--and gaining perspective on what might be going on for the other constellation members during those same rough times--has made a world of difference.
Let's tell our stories. Our topic for this round:
Has open adoption ever felt like too much? Have you ever wanted to walk away?
***
The responses:
March 02, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #24
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog (including the link http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/03/open-adoption-roundtable-24.html so your readers can browse other participating blogs) and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
I waffled between a lighter writing prompt and a heavier, more personal one for this round. I decided on the less personal topic; we'll save the deeper one for later this month.
Awhile back, out of curiosity, I set up a search on Twitter for the phrase "open adoption". If someone mentioned open adoption in a tweet it popped up in my feed reader. The search rarely turned up much. For the most part I saw promotional tweets from adoption professionals or prospective adoptive parents trying to "network," with occasional chatter from folks involved in open adoptions who were talking about their lives. Then suddenly big bursts of tweets started showing up once a week or so. Tweets that were overwhelmingly--although not totally--negative about open adoption: talk of birth parents needing to leave the adoptive family alone or doing something wrong by maintaining a connection to their children, that sort of thing. Like the greatest hits of open adoption misinformation, delivered on a schedule.
I soon realized those bursts were coming whenever MTV aired a Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant episode involving adoption. I typically roll my eyes when another clumsy adoption storyline shows up in a scripted show or bristle when reality tv mines the adoption process for stories. But here was a television franchise with massive reach giving lots of viewers their first (heavily edited and manipulated) glimpses of real-life open adoptions. And it didn't seem to be doing much for the cause.
For better or worse, open adoption is working its way into mainstream entertainment. Which brings us to our writing prompt:
How have you seen open adoption portrayed on television? What did you think? What, if anything, would you like to see?
***
The responses thus far:
Write a response at your blog (including the link http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/03/open-adoption-roundtable-24.html so your readers can browse other participating blogs) and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
I waffled between a lighter writing prompt and a heavier, more personal one for this round. I decided on the less personal topic; we'll save the deeper one for later this month.
Awhile back, out of curiosity, I set up a search on Twitter for the phrase "open adoption". If someone mentioned open adoption in a tweet it popped up in my feed reader. The search rarely turned up much. For the most part I saw promotional tweets from adoption professionals or prospective adoptive parents trying to "network," with occasional chatter from folks involved in open adoptions who were talking about their lives. Then suddenly big bursts of tweets started showing up once a week or so. Tweets that were overwhelmingly--although not totally--negative about open adoption: talk of birth parents needing to leave the adoptive family alone or doing something wrong by maintaining a connection to their children, that sort of thing. Like the greatest hits of open adoption misinformation, delivered on a schedule.
I soon realized those bursts were coming whenever MTV aired a Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant episode involving adoption. I typically roll my eyes when another clumsy adoption storyline shows up in a scripted show or bristle when reality tv mines the adoption process for stories. But here was a television franchise with massive reach giving lots of viewers their first (heavily edited and manipulated) glimpses of real-life open adoptions. And it didn't seem to be doing much for the cause.
For better or worse, open adoption is working its way into mainstream entertainment. Which brings us to our writing prompt:
How have you seen open adoption portrayed on television? What did you think? What, if anything, would you like to see?
***
The responses thus far:
January 21, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #23
It's the third week of the month, so it's time for another open adoption roundtable.
This one will be a little different because (1) the prompt is actually at another blog and (2) a number of you have already written your posts.
Jessica from O Solo Mama is an adoptive parent via international adoption (and a fabulous writer). She's been listening to us tell our stories (especially those who participated in last year's interview project) and thinking about open adoption--why it sometimes seems to work, why it sometimes seems not to work, what's really going on for those of us living it. The other week she asked seven questions of those of us in open adoptions. Seven really, really good questions.
Rather than reposting the questions here, I'm sending you to her blog. I think it's important to read them in the context of her entire post.
***
This one will be a little different because (1) the prompt is actually at another blog and (2) a number of you have already written your posts.
Jessica from O Solo Mama is an adoptive parent via international adoption (and a fabulous writer). She's been listening to us tell our stories (especially those who participated in last year's interview project) and thinking about open adoption--why it sometimes seems to work, why it sometimes seems not to work, what's really going on for those of us living it. The other week she asked seven questions of those of us in open adoptions. Seven really, really good questions.
Rather than reposting the questions here, I'm sending you to her blog. I think it's important to read them in the context of her entire post.
- If you've already answered O Solo Mama's questions and would like to list your post here, leave a link in the comments.
- If you haven't answered them yet, go read the questions, write your response, and come back here to give us a link.
***
- Meghann (adoptive parent) @ Everyday Miracles
- Lori (adoptive parent) @ Write Mind Open Heart - part one, part two
- Marisa (adoptive parent) @ Sheeps Eating Me
- Luna (adoptive parent) @ Life From Here - part one, part two
- Megan (adoptive parent) @ 27 Hours
- Racilous (first parent) @ Adoption in the City
- Heather (adoptive parent) @ Production, Not Reproduction
- Cat (adoptive parent) @ Cat's Litterbox
- Spyderkl (adoptive parent @ Evil Mommy
- Lady Stape (adoptive parent) @ Stape's House
- KatjaMichelle (first parent) @ Therapy Is Expensive
- Dawn (adoptive parent) @ This Woman's Work
- A Life Being Lived (first parent) @ Carrying a Cat By the Tail
- Lynn (adoptive parent) @ Open Hearts Open Minds
- A (adoptive parent) @ Not a Visitor
- Robyn (adoptive parent) @ Chittister Children
- Thanksgivingmom (first parent) @ I Should Really Be Working
- Kristin (adoptive parent) @ Parenthood Path
- Sara (adoptive parent) @ Unofficial Mom
- Melissa Mae (adoptive parent) @ Melissa Mae
- Harriet Glynn (adoptive parent) @ See Theo Run
January 04, 2011
Open Adoption Roundtable #22
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Write a response at your blog--linking to http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/01/open-adoption-roundtable-22.html so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
One year ago many of us answered the question, "How will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?"
If you participated in the January 2010 discussion, revisit your post and give us the one-year-later update.
And whether or not you participated last year, tell us about your open adoption hopes or commitments in 2011.
***
The responses:
Lady Stape (adoptive parent) at Stape's House: "So what does this mean for 2011? I want to focus my adoption conversations around openness and how important it is for everyone involved. There are so many myths about what adoption is like and what openness means. So pay attention in 2011. We are going to be 'opening' it up around here and learning more about what that means."
Cat (adoptive parent) at Cat's Litterbox: "This year, 2011, will be the year that Gus turns one. We will go to the mitten in May or June and he will see his birth parents for the first time since May 12th, and they will be amazed at how much he's grown and changed. They will smile, and laugh, and maybe even cry when they see just how beautiful he is, and how much joy he brings. And I will smile, laugh, and cry because they have shared this little person with me, and brought him into my heart."
Christi (adoptive parent) at Anxiously Awaiting: Looking back at a year which included a newly adopted daughter and finding her own adult sister who was placed for adoption years ago; looking ahead to a year of giving back to the adoption community.
Jane (adopted adult) at Adoption of Jane: "My hopes and commitments for Open adoption is to visit and volunteer at Orphanages during my trip home this year. I am hoping that my research now will allow me to speak to the correct officials in my homeland. I want to encourage policies be put into place allowing Adoptive Parents to bring adopted children back to visit without fearing for their safety."
Andy (adopted adult and adoptive parent) at Today's the Day!: Andy shares why she ended up doing the exact opposite of the two adoption-related resolutions she made last year.
Rachel (first parent) at The Great Wide Open: "It's hard being a mother. It's hard raising a child, but it's also hard to be completely, utterly, whole heartedly in love with your child that someone else is holding in their arms. At the same time, it's so easy to love him, and it's so easy to love the arms that are holding him, cherishing him, protecting him, and receiving so much joy in return from him. No decision I could have made would have been easy, and I suspect it's the same for many women who find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. I just want more people to know about the joys that an open adoption can bring."
Spyderkl (adoptive parent) at Evil Mommy: "Letting go isn’t such a bad thing, really."
Cindy (first parent): "So it's not so much that I am proactive, I am predictable and expect my sons adoptive parents to be the same way."
Thanksgivingmom (first parent) at I Should Really Be Working: "My last resolution was to not be fine with being fine. If anything, I did the opposite here. Instead of speaking my mind and pushing back when things weren’t fine, I just accepted that it is what it is – and that has to be fine."
Kierstin (adoptive parent) at Our Family Building Adventure: Just two months into open adoption, Kierstin makes plans to share, read and blog in 2011
Susiebook (first parent) at Endure for a Night: "Heaven knows my hopes of a year ago are no longer steering my approach to the adoption—I’m more cynical and less hopeful."
Racilous (first parent) at Adoption in the City: Hoping and working toward family, familiarity, frequent visits and friendship in 2011.
A Life Being Lived (first parent) at Carrying a Cat by the Tail: An ambitious and thoughtful set of goals for 2011
Robyn C (adoptive parent) at The Chittister Family: "In 2011, I’m just going to keep trying to work on what I was working on in 2010. I really want to find a way to communicate with S and help her kids. I want to find an agency that supports all of the people in the adoption process, without discrimination or degradation. And of course, I want to learn more so I can be a better (adoptive) parent."
A (adoptive parent) at Not a Visitor: "As for hopes and commitments in 2011 - there is one big one on the table in addition to these. This is the year we'll decide about an A+A baby #2. If we do begin another adoption in the next year it will add a layer of complexity to our family dynamic and we will once again be hoping for openness."
Meghann (adoptive parent) at A Different Kind of Family: "Thinking about it now, I think the real reason for my massive suckitude is simply this: Fear. Fear of calling too often, or not often enough, or at a bad time. Fear of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. Fear of pushing too hard, or not pushing hard enough. Fear of not being the perfect adoptive parent, the perfect 'partner'—for lack of a better term—in our OA relationship."
Write a response at your blog--linking to http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/01/open-adoption-roundtable-22.html so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
One year ago many of us answered the question, "How will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?"
If you participated in the January 2010 discussion, revisit your post and give us the one-year-later update.
And whether or not you participated last year, tell us about your open adoption hopes or commitments in 2011.
***
The responses:
Lady Stape (adoptive parent) at Stape's House: "So what does this mean for 2011? I want to focus my adoption conversations around openness and how important it is for everyone involved. There are so many myths about what adoption is like and what openness means. So pay attention in 2011. We are going to be 'opening' it up around here and learning more about what that means."
Cat (adoptive parent) at Cat's Litterbox: "This year, 2011, will be the year that Gus turns one. We will go to the mitten in May or June and he will see his birth parents for the first time since May 12th, and they will be amazed at how much he's grown and changed. They will smile, and laugh, and maybe even cry when they see just how beautiful he is, and how much joy he brings. And I will smile, laugh, and cry because they have shared this little person with me, and brought him into my heart."
Christi (adoptive parent) at Anxiously Awaiting: Looking back at a year which included a newly adopted daughter and finding her own adult sister who was placed for adoption years ago; looking ahead to a year of giving back to the adoption community.
Jane (adopted adult) at Adoption of Jane: "My hopes and commitments for Open adoption is to visit and volunteer at Orphanages during my trip home this year. I am hoping that my research now will allow me to speak to the correct officials in my homeland. I want to encourage policies be put into place allowing Adoptive Parents to bring adopted children back to visit without fearing for their safety."
Andy (adopted adult and adoptive parent) at Today's the Day!: Andy shares why she ended up doing the exact opposite of the two adoption-related resolutions she made last year.
Rachel (first parent) at The Great Wide Open: "It's hard being a mother. It's hard raising a child, but it's also hard to be completely, utterly, whole heartedly in love with your child that someone else is holding in their arms. At the same time, it's so easy to love him, and it's so easy to love the arms that are holding him, cherishing him, protecting him, and receiving so much joy in return from him. No decision I could have made would have been easy, and I suspect it's the same for many women who find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. I just want more people to know about the joys that an open adoption can bring."
Spyderkl (adoptive parent) at Evil Mommy: "Letting go isn’t such a bad thing, really."
Cindy (first parent): "So it's not so much that I am proactive, I am predictable and expect my sons adoptive parents to be the same way."
Thanksgivingmom (first parent) at I Should Really Be Working: "My last resolution was to not be fine with being fine. If anything, I did the opposite here. Instead of speaking my mind and pushing back when things weren’t fine, I just accepted that it is what it is – and that has to be fine."
Kierstin (adoptive parent) at Our Family Building Adventure: Just two months into open adoption, Kierstin makes plans to share, read and blog in 2011
Susiebook (first parent) at Endure for a Night: "Heaven knows my hopes of a year ago are no longer steering my approach to the adoption—I’m more cynical and less hopeful."
Racilous (first parent) at Adoption in the City: Hoping and working toward family, familiarity, frequent visits and friendship in 2011.
A Life Being Lived (first parent) at Carrying a Cat by the Tail: An ambitious and thoughtful set of goals for 2011
Robyn C (adoptive parent) at The Chittister Family: "In 2011, I’m just going to keep trying to work on what I was working on in 2010. I really want to find a way to communicate with S and help her kids. I want to find an agency that supports all of the people in the adoption process, without discrimination or degradation. And of course, I want to learn more so I can be a better (adoptive) parent."
A (adoptive parent) at Not a Visitor: "As for hopes and commitments in 2011 - there is one big one on the table in addition to these. This is the year we'll decide about an A+A baby #2. If we do begin another adoption in the next year it will add a layer of complexity to our family dynamic and we will once again be hoping for openness."
Meghann (adoptive parent) at A Different Kind of Family: "Thinking about it now, I think the real reason for my massive suckitude is simply this: Fear. Fear of calling too often, or not often enough, or at a bad time. Fear of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. Fear of pushing too hard, or not pushing hard enough. Fear of not being the perfect adoptive parent, the perfect 'partner'—for lack of a better term—in our OA relationship."
December 04, 2010
Open Adoption Roundtable #21
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Publish your response--linking back to this post so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
Publish your response--linking back to this post so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
Last year we wrote about the holiday season in general. This year, inspired by a recent post by Claud, I thought we could focus in on traditions.
How do open adoption and holiday traditions intersect in your life?
***
The responses so far:
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City: "As I approach my first Christmas as a birth mother, I truly want J to have traditions, the hard part is letting go of the idea he needs to have my traditions... With open adoption, it’s can neither be about my adopting their traditions or their adopting what I have always done, rather I think its important that we find the traditions which we are comfortable continuing together and then perhaps create a few new ones of our own."
A Life Being Lived (first mom) @ Carrying a Cat By the Tail: "The part that comforts me most is that I know Bluebell won't be in my shoes when she's my age. She has an amazing family, two wonderful parents, two great older brothers. She has more cousins and aunts and uncles than she will be able to count. I can't do much about my own lack of family, or the fact that I didn't know my grandparents. Yet through adoption, I could give her a family, and all of the love and holiday traditions that goes along with that."
***
The responses so far:
Jess (adoptive mom) @ The Problem with Hope: "Usually I give the [photo] session and whatever pics they want to order to them for Christmas and it always makes me smile to see the Christmas card that R sends out--my daughter's "other" family, her included, because while she is obviously also on OUR Christmas card, there's something right about the way she BELONGS on both cards...in both sets of portraits. And how in one set, the families overlap."
Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City: "As I approach my first Christmas as a birth mother, I truly want J to have traditions, the hard part is letting go of the idea he needs to have my traditions... With open adoption, it’s can neither be about my adopting their traditions or their adopting what I have always done, rather I think its important that we find the traditions which we are comfortable continuing together and then perhaps create a few new ones of our own."
A Life Being Lived (first mom) @ Carrying a Cat By the Tail: "The part that comforts me most is that I know Bluebell won't be in my shoes when she's my age. She has an amazing family, two wonderful parents, two great older brothers. She has more cousins and aunts and uncles than she will be able to count. I can't do much about my own lack of family, or the fact that I didn't know my grandparents. Yet through adoption, I could give her a family, and all of the love and holiday traditions that goes along with that."
Cindy (first mom): "Christmas is a time when my feelings of loss in reguards to my son are heightened. When my worries over what his adoptive parents really think of me are soul-crushing because they really don't let me know what they think about anything most of the time."
Amber (adoptive mom) @ Bumber's Bumblings: "Last year, we got together with Ashley and her family the weekend before Christmas and celebrated Christmas together and exchanged gifts. We had a great time together and plan on doing a similar get together every year. We are very open all other times, but Nathan and I felt like Christmas day and Christmas Eve should be just our immediate family."
Amber (adoptive mom) @ Bumber's Bumblings: "Last year, we got together with Ashley and her family the weekend before Christmas and celebrated Christmas together and exchanged gifts. We had a great time together and plan on doing a similar get together every year. We are very open all other times, but Nathan and I felt like Christmas day and Christmas Eve should be just our immediate family."
Susiebook (first mom) @ Endure for a Night: "Today I spent the afternoon decorating the Christmas tree with my mother. It’s Cricket’s birthday, and I’m sure that she doesn’t remember that—she’s been bragging to people about the birth of her first grandchild, and only last night said that 'I’ve been saying for a couple of years now that we need to have a baby for Christmas.' Today I’ve had a few quiet, sad moments, but there is also Christmas stuff going on and I want to be involved. Sure, I’d rather we were doing it tomorrow, but my mom has today off work, and here we are, listening to carols, me thinking about Cricket and feeling my breasts ache. It is the strangest thing, that physical reaction. Cricket got a gift from us last week and hopefully a card today, we’ll send two books in a week or so . . . and our December is otherwise completely separate from him. I think about the fact that my father’s birthday is on Christmas Eve and Cricket’s birthday is apparently usually going to be during Hanukkah. I hope he doesn’t mind."
October 19, 2010
Open Adoption Roundtable #20
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Publish your response--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
Anyone who reads my blog regularly probably saw this prompt coming. Recent comments and emails tell me you all have a lot to say on the topic. I'll leave the prompt nice and broad, so each of us can focus on the sliver most on our minds at the moment.
Write about siblings and open adoption.
***
The responses:
Anonymous (first mom) writes in the comments about the complicated emotions brought up for her by her son's relationship with his brother on his first dad's side.
Amber (adoptive mom) at Life in the Last Frontier talks about the resistance they're facing from friends and family who don't understand why maintaining sibling relationships is important to them.
Jess (adoptive mom) at The Problem With Hope shares how the strong relationship with her daughter's bio brother influenced the course of their family planning.
Jenna (first mom) at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land points out that her commitment to openness is as much for her (parented) sons as it is for her (placed) daughter.
Susiebook (first mom) at Endure for a Night remembers a year-ago conversation about siblings with her son's adoptive mom, and compares that to the reality during her current pregnancy.
A Life Being Lived (first mom) at Carrying a Cat by the Tail talks about how her daughter's potential adoptive brothers played into her decision to place and facing her fear that she won't have more children.
Rredhead (adoptive mom) at Adoption.com questions the conventional wisdom about explaining placement to her young son, given that he has older and younger siblings parented by his first mom.
Kelly L (adoptive mom) at Surprised by Hope shares why her daughter's birth siblings are called simply brothers and sisters in their home.
Tammy (adoptive mom) at I Can Only Imagine shares how her children's relationships with their siblings are a "painful thing although with great potential to be something marvelous and nurturing with time."
Sonya (adoptive mom) at The Dobbins Boys tells how the, "You have siblings," conversation came about with her adopted son.
Spyderkl (adoptive mom) at Evil Mommy thinks about the possible day her daughter's first mom has another child.
Katjamichelle (first mom) at Therapy Is Expensive wonders what the relationship will look like between her placed son's adoptive brother and her future parented children.
An anonymous adoptive parent shares about her son's anger that is sometimes brought to the surface by the presence of his biological siblings--and how the strength of those same relationships provides an safe outlet for the emotion.
Tracy (adoptive parent) at My Minivan Rocks says that her adopted son's siblings have become the doorway to open adoption, now that contact with his first mom is off the table for a time.
Amber (adoptive parent) at Bumber's Bumblings shares about her family's relationship with a different sort of sibling: her son's first mom's sisters, now doting aunts.
Michelle (adoptive parent) at Grown in My Heart says it was the siblings interactions were the catalyst for the family's whole open adoption relationship to expand and flourish.
Publish your response--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
Anyone who reads my blog regularly probably saw this prompt coming. Recent comments and emails tell me you all have a lot to say on the topic. I'll leave the prompt nice and broad, so each of us can focus on the sliver most on our minds at the moment.
Write about siblings and open adoption.
***
The responses:
Anonymous (first mom) writes in the comments about the complicated emotions brought up for her by her son's relationship with his brother on his first dad's side.
Amber (adoptive mom) at Life in the Last Frontier talks about the resistance they're facing from friends and family who don't understand why maintaining sibling relationships is important to them.
Jess (adoptive mom) at The Problem With Hope shares how the strong relationship with her daughter's bio brother influenced the course of their family planning.
Jenna (first mom) at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land points out that her commitment to openness is as much for her (parented) sons as it is for her (placed) daughter.
Susiebook (first mom) at Endure for a Night remembers a year-ago conversation about siblings with her son's adoptive mom, and compares that to the reality during her current pregnancy.
A Life Being Lived (first mom) at Carrying a Cat by the Tail talks about how her daughter's potential adoptive brothers played into her decision to place and facing her fear that she won't have more children.
Rredhead (adoptive mom) at Adoption.com questions the conventional wisdom about explaining placement to her young son, given that he has older and younger siblings parented by his first mom.
Kelly L (adoptive mom) at Surprised by Hope shares why her daughter's birth siblings are called simply brothers and sisters in their home.
Tammy (adoptive mom) at I Can Only Imagine shares how her children's relationships with their siblings are a "painful thing although with great potential to be something marvelous and nurturing with time."
Sonya (adoptive mom) at The Dobbins Boys tells how the, "You have siblings," conversation came about with her adopted son.
Spyderkl (adoptive mom) at Evil Mommy thinks about the possible day her daughter's first mom has another child.
Katjamichelle (first mom) at Therapy Is Expensive wonders what the relationship will look like between her placed son's adoptive brother and her future parented children.
An anonymous adoptive parent shares about her son's anger that is sometimes brought to the surface by the presence of his biological siblings--and how the strength of those same relationships provides an safe outlet for the emotion.
Tracy (adoptive parent) at My Minivan Rocks says that her adopted son's siblings have become the doorway to open adoption, now that contact with his first mom is off the table for a time.
Amber (adoptive parent) at Bumber's Bumblings shares about her family's relationship with a different sort of sibling: her son's first mom's sisters, now doting aunts.
Michelle (adoptive parent) at Grown in My Heart says it was the siblings interactions were the catalyst for the family's whole open adoption relationship to expand and flourish.
September 14, 2010
Open Adoption Roundtable #19
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Publish your response--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
Awhile back I read a summary of a workshop held for prospective adoptive parents who were exploring their options. During their survey of different sorts of adoption, the speakers said that, at its most basic core, "Open adoption is about information sharing."
"Hm," I thought when I read that.
Hm.
I turned that one over in my mind for quite some time and now I'm turning it over to you. Generalizations are a tricky business. Relationships are too diverse, too complex for blanket statements to cover them all. But generalizations certainly make for good conversation starters--and an interesting exercise in thinking about what we each would say is the foundation of open adoption...
"Open adoption is about information sharing." Share your reaction to that statement. How well does it match up with your experience of open adoption? If you disagree, how would you finish the phrase, "Open adoption is about..."?
(You can find out when a new prompt is up by following @OpenAdoptBlogs on Twitter!)
***
The responses:
Prabha (adoptive parent) at Baby Steps to a Baby Dream: "Open adoption is about accepting your child and his or her family as is --- warts and all."
Spyderkl (adoptive parent) at Evil Mommy: "If we were having a mere exchange of information, M, C, J and us would have been done with each other years ago."
Jenna (first parent) at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land: "Open adoption is about relationships and the sharing of lives and family."
Robyn (adoptive parent) at the Adoption.com Domestic Adoption blog: "Information sharing is what makes a relationship last."
Michele (adoptive parent) at Gotcha Baby: "My reaction to that statement is that the professional sharing it was giving prospective adoptive parents the least-scary, most basic, most general definition of what Open Adoption is."
Limbo Mama (prospective adoptive parent) at Limbo Land: "As a waiting, potential adoptive parent, my perspective is colored by an almost certain naivety that comes from hoping for (and working towards) an open adoption, rather than navigating an actual living, breathing open adoption relationship. Regardless, to me open adoption is more multi-faceted than simple 'information sharing'."
Katjamichelle (first parent) at Therapy Is Expensive: "Open adoption doesn’t start and stop with the sharing of information it thrives with the creating of memories and the building of relationships."
Brandy (first parent, adopted adult) at Our Life in the Desert: "Open adoption is about sharing – just like marriage is about sharing and family is about sharing – relationships are a mixture of give and take – AKA, sharing."
Dawn (adoptive parent) at This Woman's Work: "I’d say that open adoption is about openness. Sometimes that’s limited to information sharing (it’s all I got when it comes to aspects of our open adoption) and sometimes it’s a lot more (like sharing, you know, the kid)."
Leah (first parent) at Sturdy Yet Fragile: "For me, however, when I first read 'open adoption is about information sharing' I thought, YES! Exactly!"
Lynn (adoptive parent) at Open Hearts Open Minds: "From my perspective, open adoption is a complex process, based on evolving relationships...relationships that many 'outsiders' seem to find hard to understand. But (at the risk of sounding corny), I think that, in essence,open adoption is -- and should be -- about love."
Cindy (first parent): "Open adoption is about keeping the connection between my son his beginnings, a basic right for every person."
Kristin (adoptive parent) at Parenthood Path: "For me, the best way I can describe it is as an 'attitude.'"--and an interesting comparison to diversity.
Barely Sane (adoptive parent) at Life of the Barely Sane: "Because it’s just words on a computer screen or a paper. It’s not a real connection, a real relationship. I know about these people but I don’t truly know them. To me, an open adoption should have both of those things."
Ginger (first parent) at Shattered Glass: "If you remember that everyone is different, then you don’t have to irrationally fear someone because of their role in adoption. Bio-parents are just as guilty of fearing a-parents irrationally as a-parents are of fearing b-parents. An open adoption might be about information sharing…or it could be about family by choice."
Susiebook (first parent) at Endure for a Night: "I want to say that in general open adoption is about relationships, but that in our case—at least for me and the Mister—it’s about trying to make up to Cricket for the relinquishment forever."
M (adoptive parent) at Letters to a Birthmother: "Obviously, sharing information is a great place to start in open adoption. I think its a way to Have Some Openness in the Adoption, though I think to make this an all-encompassing statement sure could limit a person in their thinking as they are launching into the adoption world and all the decisions and complexities it entails."
Publish your response--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
Awhile back I read a summary of a workshop held for prospective adoptive parents who were exploring their options. During their survey of different sorts of adoption, the speakers said that, at its most basic core, "Open adoption is about information sharing."
"Hm," I thought when I read that.
Hm.
I turned that one over in my mind for quite some time and now I'm turning it over to you. Generalizations are a tricky business. Relationships are too diverse, too complex for blanket statements to cover them all. But generalizations certainly make for good conversation starters--and an interesting exercise in thinking about what we each would say is the foundation of open adoption...
"Open adoption is about information sharing." Share your reaction to that statement. How well does it match up with your experience of open adoption? If you disagree, how would you finish the phrase, "Open adoption is about..."?
(You can find out when a new prompt is up by following @OpenAdoptBlogs on Twitter!)
***
The responses:
Prabha (adoptive parent) at Baby Steps to a Baby Dream: "Open adoption is about accepting your child and his or her family as is --- warts and all."
Spyderkl (adoptive parent) at Evil Mommy: "If we were having a mere exchange of information, M, C, J and us would have been done with each other years ago."
Jenna (first parent) at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land: "Open adoption is about relationships and the sharing of lives and family."
Robyn (adoptive parent) at the Adoption.com Domestic Adoption blog: "Information sharing is what makes a relationship last."
Michele (adoptive parent) at Gotcha Baby: "My reaction to that statement is that the professional sharing it was giving prospective adoptive parents the least-scary, most basic, most general definition of what Open Adoption is."
Limbo Mama (prospective adoptive parent) at Limbo Land: "As a waiting, potential adoptive parent, my perspective is colored by an almost certain naivety that comes from hoping for (and working towards) an open adoption, rather than navigating an actual living, breathing open adoption relationship. Regardless, to me open adoption is more multi-faceted than simple 'information sharing'."
Katjamichelle (first parent) at Therapy Is Expensive: "Open adoption doesn’t start and stop with the sharing of information it thrives with the creating of memories and the building of relationships."
Brandy (first parent, adopted adult) at Our Life in the Desert: "Open adoption is about sharing – just like marriage is about sharing and family is about sharing – relationships are a mixture of give and take – AKA, sharing."
Dawn (adoptive parent) at This Woman's Work: "I’d say that open adoption is about openness. Sometimes that’s limited to information sharing (it’s all I got when it comes to aspects of our open adoption) and sometimes it’s a lot more (like sharing, you know, the kid)."
Leah (first parent) at Sturdy Yet Fragile: "For me, however, when I first read 'open adoption is about information sharing' I thought, YES! Exactly!"
Lynn (adoptive parent) at Open Hearts Open Minds: "From my perspective, open adoption is a complex process, based on evolving relationships...relationships that many 'outsiders' seem to find hard to understand. But (at the risk of sounding corny), I think that, in essence,open adoption is -- and should be -- about love."
Cindy (first parent): "Open adoption is about keeping the connection between my son his beginnings, a basic right for every person."
Kristin (adoptive parent) at Parenthood Path: "For me, the best way I can describe it is as an 'attitude.'"--and an interesting comparison to diversity.
Barely Sane (adoptive parent) at Life of the Barely Sane: "Because it’s just words on a computer screen or a paper. It’s not a real connection, a real relationship. I know about these people but I don’t truly know them. To me, an open adoption should have both of those things."
Ginger (first parent) at Shattered Glass: "If you remember that everyone is different, then you don’t have to irrationally fear someone because of their role in adoption. Bio-parents are just as guilty of fearing a-parents irrationally as a-parents are of fearing b-parents. An open adoption might be about information sharing…or it could be about family by choice."
Susiebook (first parent) at Endure for a Night: "I want to say that in general open adoption is about relationships, but that in our case—at least for me and the Mister—it’s about trying to make up to Cricket for the relinquishment forever."
M (adoptive parent) at Letters to a Birthmother: "Obviously, sharing information is a great place to start in open adoption. I think its a way to Have Some Openness in the Adoption, though I think to make this an all-encompassing statement sure could limit a person in their thinking as they are launching into the adoption world and all the decisions and complexities it entails."
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