December 04, 2010

Open Adoption Roundtable #21

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Publish your response--linking back to this post so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

Last year we wrote about the holiday season in general. This year, inspired by a recent post by Claud, I thought we could focus in on traditions.

How do open adoption and holiday traditions intersect in your life?


The responses so far:

Jess (adoptive mom) @ The Problem with Hope: "Usually I give the [photo] session and whatever pics they want to order to them for Christmas and it always makes me smile to see the Christmas card that R sends out--my daughter's "other" family, her included, because while she is obviously also on OUR Christmas card, there's something right about the way she BELONGS on both both sets of portraits. And how in one set, the families overlap."

Racilous (first mom) @ Adoption in the City: "As I approach my first Christmas as a birth mother, I truly want J to have traditions, the hard part is letting go of the idea he needs to have my traditions... With open adoption, it’s can neither be about my adopting their traditions or their adopting what I have always done, rather I think its important that we find the traditions which we are comfortable continuing together and then perhaps create a few new ones of our own."

A Life Being Lived (first mom) @ Carrying a Cat By the Tail: "The part that comforts me most is that I know Bluebell won't be in my shoes when she's my age. She has an amazing family, two wonderful parents, two great older brothers. She has more cousins and aunts and uncles than she will be able to count. I can't do much about my own lack of family, or the fact that I didn't know my grandparents. Yet through adoption, I could give her a family, and all of the love and holiday traditions that goes along with that."

Cindy (first mom): "Christmas is a time when my feelings of loss in reguards to my son are heightened. When my worries over what his adoptive parents really think of me are soul-crushing because they really don't let me know what they think about anything most of the time."

Amber (adoptive mom) @ Bumber's Bumblings: "Last year, we got together with Ashley and her family the weekend before Christmas and celebrated Christmas together and exchanged gifts. We had a great time together and plan on doing a similar get together every year. We are very open all other times, but Nathan and I felt like Christmas day and Christmas Eve should be just our immediate family."

Susiebook (first mom) @ Endure for a Night: "Today I spent the afternoon decorating the Christmas tree with my mother. It’s Cricket’s birthday, and I’m sure that she doesn’t remember that—she’s been bragging to people about the birth of her first grandchild, and only last night said that 'I’ve been saying for a couple of years now that we need to have a baby for Christmas.' Today I’ve had a few quiet, sad moments, but there is also Christmas stuff going on and I want to be involved. Sure, I’d rather we were doing it tomorrow, but my mom has today off work, and here we are, listening to carols, me thinking about Cricket and feeling my breasts ache. It is the strangest thing, that physical reaction. Cricket got a gift from us last week and hopefully a card today, we’ll send two books in a week or so . . . and our December is otherwise completely separate from him. I think about the fact that my father’s birthday is on Christmas Eve and Cricket’s birthday is apparently usually going to be during Hanukkah. I hope he doesn’t mind."


Jess said...

Anonymous said...

A Life Being Lived said...

Elly said...

DS was born at the beginning of January, so for me, this is a time of year that I often think 'this time, x years ago...' (we were matched just before Thanksgiving, so it's quite a meaningful time of year for me, anyway). I also tend to think of his birthmom a lot, especially when I get to enjoy sharing all the fun holiday activities with him. I try to let her know that we are remembering her at christmas and his birthday.

Anonymous said...

This is very interesting to me today especially because today I got the christmas picture in the mail. The one of my son and his adoptive family.
Just the picture, no note or letter. I am happy about the picture, although I don't get why they are so into making every family picture a sepia or black and white kind of picture, with colourful borders and such, but still.
It always makes me think they are trying to make my son stand out less somehow.
Last year there was a nice letter, it just feels like a regression has happened because there was no letter with this picture.
Holidays are very hard because I know that I will never be a real part of my son christmas experience, but I know he will be in my city sometime this month, but I will not see him.
Which is mostly OK, because I did see him in October. Also I know that I will see pictures of the whole christmas thing as done by his adoptive family on FB.
The thing is that because I am a birthmom, Christmas will always be emotional torture now.
Being that I wish I could be with my son, but I know my presence would likely ruin everything. Not that I would ever even have the chance to particpate in his life in that way.
Any other average non-special day, I could probably talk about the pictures and my worries about whether or not the present I send to my son is the 'right' one or any other such things that I usually try and talk about to some of my family. No, at Christmas I have to pretend that I do not have a son. I cannot talk about him or what I am feeling or thinking, because it will 'ruin' the day for everyone else.

Christmas is a time when my feelings of loss in reguards to my son are heightened. When my worries over what his adoptive parents really think of me are soul-crushing because they really don't let me know what they think about anything most of the time. Although the vague FB status posts about being excited for christmas and stuff are encouraging.
As is with any other really 'special' time, everyone really excludes me from all the fun.
My family has done it for years, and so now my sons adoptive family does it too.
Christmas is hard. I try to be a good as I can, do everything in my power to show others I care, but I never really know if they notice that I care. Maybe I shouldn't care if they notice that I care. Why do I care about them knowing I care so much? Maybe I am just being selfish.
Yeah, that it.


BumbersBumblings said...

Here's my post:

Anonymous said...

I'm up!

mama2roo said...

Here's mine...

Mindful Adoption said...

I am a happy happy adoptive father of an 8 month old boy. We adopted our son .3/26/2010. I have just started a blog to answer real questions and create a place to share what we did and how we did it.

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