February 21, 2009

One Year

When I close my eyes years from now, I will remember how oddly warm it was that day, the way the college students lounged at coffee houses in tank tops. I will remember driving through the farms that morning and pointing out all of the lambs to your father. There were so very many lambs.

I will remember standing alone, heart racing, in a room of empty isolettes, eyes flicking to the door of the operating room. I will remember watching a clutch of people carrying a tiny pink baby down a hallway and wondering where that child had come from. I will for the rest of my life remember the moment I realized it was you.

I will wish again for the trusting weight of you on my body, those hours and months spent with your warmth pressed to my chest and the feeling that we were one unit moving through the world. I will want to bow my head and find my lips nestled in your soft hair.

I will close my eyes and feel the rocking chair beneath me, see you all those nights in shadows in my arms, turning toward me as you decide to sleep. I will watch your dimpled hands clap together when I sing, your nose wrinkling at its bridge. I will see your face crack open in a wide-mouthed grin, finger hooked in one corner, your tongue sticking out in joy. Will I smile, remembering, the way I smile now?

I will remember how languidly you have taken this first year, drifting toward milestones like a leaf atop a quiet lake. Late to be born, late to crawl, late to eat, late to teeth--always content to stay just a little longer in the safety of wherever you are.

Firefly, I wish I could do this year again. Already there is so much I don't remember, so much I'm afraid I never stopped to notice. I have felt tugged between home and work, husband and self, oldest and youngest in ways I never have before. Those quiet, stolen moments when I could simply watch you, soaking in every bit of who you are before it all changed again--I feel like they were so few. I wish I could start the clock over, this time knowing all along that we would come through okay. Know that all those times I seemed to turn away from you--toward your brother, toward my work, toward the simple business of life--I never stopped thinking about you.

Happy (belated) first birthday, little girl. Here's to many more.

19 comments:

marymurtz said...

Beautiful. This made me cry.
My rabbit is now six and a half, her legs like a young colt's, her teeth a mix of baby teeth and the big permanent teeth growing into the gaps. I can still pick her up and hold her, but tht tiny package of trust and solace has turned into a whole person. I love her now, but I miss that baby.
Happy Birthday Firefly.

luna said...

what a gorgeous tribute to your beautiful girl.

happy birthday, firefly!

Rebeccah said...

Lovely! Weeping ... it goes so fast.

Cline Family said...

beautiful.

mama2roo said...

Happy birthday, Firefly!

Isn't Mommy love something? REally something.

michelle said...

This post was beautiful...I am so glad I have found you...thanks for visiting today....
I can't wait to read all of your journey!

m :)

Guera! said...

Beautiful!

Alison said...

just beautiful...your first paragraphs spoke my words and feelings about my daughter her first year...she is now almost 14! how did that happen?

cindy psbm said...

awww!!!
thank you for this.
I've always wondered how an adoptive mom feels when she is waiting at the hospital!
You are a really good mom.

Mo and Will said...

here for the first time from iclw.

i am so glad i found your blog. what a beautiful post! thank you for sharing it. your little firefly is one lucky girl to have you : )

Mo

Nicole said...

Heather this is just beautiful! What a special gift for your daughter one day. She will treasure you for remembering her young life in such a special way.

Thank you for sharing.

ICLW #39

Anita said...

Beautiful & well written! Adoption is indeed a very special gift :)

ICLW

cynthia said...

i'm at the beginning of my second child's first year, and this made me cry. beautiful.

Chris said...

Beautifully done. I hope to be able to feel this way one day. : )

Kristin said...

What a beautiful birthday post. Isn't it amazing how fast time passes?

~ICLW

Spring said...

Happy Birthday Firefly!

bubbledragon said...

ICLW

I know this is short, but all I can say is how beautiful this is.

Jamie said...

This is beautiful ~ what a wonderful gift to someday give Firefly. :) Brought tears to my eyes.....
Happy birthday little one!

Beautiful Mess said...

What a beautiful letter. Thank you for sharing! Happy birthday Firefly!
*ICLW*

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