March 14, 2010

Climbing Toward After

Once upon a time, when you could read all the infertility blogs over your lunch break there were so few, there was a writer who called herself Getupgrrl. I know some of you are nodding and smiling right now, while most of you are probably saying, "Who?"

She was a amazingly gifted writer. Stunning. She once wrote a post titled, "The Sound of the World Splitting Apart." I won't try to describe it because it has been years--six?--since I first read it and I couldn't do it justice. It was one of a handful of posts I've read over the years that  have never fully shaken from my memory. It was about a turning point in their battle with infertility, about a day when they received a diagnosis that closed off any possibility of pregnancy. But beyond the specifics it was about an instant when everything changes. When the world tears apart all around you, sending you tumbling into the chasm between before and after, and you know nothing will ever be the same.

I heard that sound recently, the sound of my world splitting apart. I don't know how, or if, I'm going to write my way through it. It is all rather unbloggable. But if I'm quiet right now, that is why.

54 comments:

Erin said...

Hope everything is okay...

SassyCupcakes said...

I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best with whatever is happening. Take care.

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

I came here via Sassy on Twitter.
I have a son by adoption now 16yrs old.
I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.
Quiet is good sometimes. I hope you get through this.

By the way - I can relate to this sentence on your about me ...

One foot is in the first-choice adopter camp as we opted to bypass the whole fertility question and jump right into adoption.
The other foot is in the world of infertility as I've grappled with the limitations of my body and the loss of reproductive control.

This was us ! though we had unexplained infertility and decided to do nothing---. went straight to adoption.

Ours was semi open adoption as we had sibling contact (not with his birth /first mother) & with their adoptive mothers. His siblings are now all over 18yrs (legal age to initiate contact in Australia with birth parents).

My story is quite complex so I won't repeat it here.

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

ps We haven;t had any sibling contact in many years ...there choice but we haven't actively pursued it either.

Andromeda Jazmon said...

I'm sorry you are having a hard time & things are shaken. Remember God is with you. I'm holding you in that light.

motherissues said...

I do remember getupgrrl and how amazing she was.

I'm sorry your world has split. Take your time to figure out how to make it into something manageable. We'll be here reading and caring whenever you can return.

My name is Andy. said...

Hang in there. We'll be here if and when you need us.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

a Tonggu Momma said...

Thinking of you...

Tammy said...

Oh Heather.... thinking of you. I'm here if you need anything. Prayers.

Anonymous said...

You are in my thoughts.
Sending love, hugs, and good energies your way.

Anonymous said...

sorry, my name didn't post. That last one was me, younevergetoverit.
*hugs*

growfamilygrow said...

Delurking from my reader to say hold on. We're here and pulling for you for what its worth.

A said...

Heather, so sorry, whatever is happening. Please let me know if there's anything this PNW person can do to help. Otherwise, we are here, whenever you are ready to be not-quiet.

DrSpouse said...

take care....

SocialWrkr24/7 said...

(((((Hugs))))) Take care of yourself....

therapyisexpensive said...

You are in my thoughts. I'm sorry you're world is slitting. Be gentle with yourself.

mama2roo said...

Heather--whatever is going on, I'm sorry. I can't imagine. Let us know if there's anythng at all we (I) can do to help.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Yes, I remember Getupgrrl. But mostly, I am just abiding with you as you exist in that chasm between before and after.

Megan said...

Heather - I'm so sorry for whatever is going on. Please know I'm thinking of you, T, P, and F.

Kristin said...

Heather, I'm so sorry your world is in pieces right now. You are on my mind and in my heart. Please take things step by step and day by day. Though I suspect it is no solace right now, mended lives are often the most beautiful and Iinteresting, in my experience.

Jess said...

I remember her, but was not an all-the-time follower, so not well.

I'm sorry that you're having whatever trouble you're having. I will pray for you, and not in a throwaway "pray for you" way, I really will. I'm sorry and I hope things are "okay" even if they are not okay.

Debbie B said...

Sending you lots of prayers and cyber hugs. Hope you're able to work through it.

Mayhem said...

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Hang in there...

Heather said...

Thank you all, truly.

Pronoia said...

As brilliant as Getupgrrl's post was, I never wanted to hear that anyone else has lived through a moment like that. I'm so sorry to hear you're having one of your own.

In love and memory.

luna said...

hoping everything is ok. thinking of you. here if you want to chat, too.

cynthia said...

Thinking of you, thinking of you. That's all.

Jamie said...

heather ~ my thoughts and prayers are with you as you work through a difficult time along your journey....quiet is good, but we are here also in case quiet feels too....quiet.
sending peace and hugs your way

jamie

Lavender Luz said...

Abiding, and wishing you well on getting to After.

Hugs, Heather.

Shannan said...

Been there. Life can really suck sometimes. I'm really sorry.

Jenn Mc said...

Hoping you are getting through OK. As others have said, we will be here when you need us.

Meg Weber Jeske said...

Thinking of you and sending you love and strength and peace.

Meg

Clementine said...

I'm so sorry for your troubles, Heather. I am thinking of you and your family and wishing you peace.

Jen M said...

Thinking of you and holding you and yours in the light. Sounds like it will be a long hike up the chasm to get to After, but you will get there.

susiebook said...

I hope you're okay--I'm praying for you.

Mar said...

I'm sorry the world sounds like this right now. Best thoughts for you.
- Mar

Ginger said...

Thinking of you...

familyofthree said...

Oh, Heather... is everyone okay? Praying everything is alright...

Eva said...

I hope that everything is okay. xo

JenB4 said...

I still miss Getupgrrl, too. She was the first infertility blogger I ever read.

I wish you grace and strength with whatever is going on. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Danielle said...

oh dear, I had begun to suspect something was up, but was opting for unexpected fab promotion. if it is any consolation, your past indicates that you find the wisdom and strength to sally forth. I wish you extra capacity in both areas and will keep you in my thoughts.

Valerie said...

Take care.

Lavonne said...

(((((hugs)))))

Sue said...

Wishing you well and hoping you find your way out of the chasm and on to after.

Guera! said...

Sending you best wishes and a big hug.

SJ said...

(((hugs))) not sure what is going on but I know the feeling/place you are describing, my friend. Praying for you and your family.

m de p said...

thinking of you, and sending best wishes to you and your family.

Lori said...

I hope you won't hesitate to ask for help. We're praying for you but if there is anything else we can do...anything.

Sara said...

I'm so sorry Heather. I'm thinking of you and your family.

meghann said...

Thinking of you, Heather.

Ernie said...

I know exactly what you mean by the sound of the world splitting apart. I hope you are okay, and find a way through. Best wishes.

Flicka said...

Oh Heather! If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know. I am praying for you. I hope it's not one of the kids.

(I miss Grrrl, too.)

XOXOXOX
Flicka

Rebeccah said...

Heather, please do ask one of us or someone close to you for help if you need it. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Kelly L said...

Sending hugs your way!

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