August 02, 2009

Disjointed

Todd and I have been talking here and there about baby child #3. We're rolling around some enormous questions of whether/how/when/why. We've never felt so at a loss for direction before in all the years we've been together. Our decision processes before Puppy and Firefly were pretty easy and painless, so this must be our payback.

I think it dovetails for me with standing on the cusp of middle age. Not that I'm heading into an age-related crisis or anything. It's just that always before there has been a sense of having lots of time on our side--if a move in one direction didn't work out, we could always try something else. It was always about doing Thing A now and Thing B later. That doesn't feel true anymore. Choosing Thing A means letting Thing B fall away forever, or vice versa. Not to mention Things C through H.

It is almost as if the anticipation of regret is pressing in before we've figured out what the choices even are.

***

It was hot here this week. Hot. Sweltering. We don't have air conditioning. My brain shut down.

Puppy and I found the perfect book to fit the weather: Come On, Rain! by Karen Hesse. I had picked it up earlier in the summer on a whim. It's ten years old, so maybe everyone else already knows about it, but it was new to me.

It's about a sudden rainstorm on a broiling summer day. It so perfectly captures the wiltedness of heat and the energy of youth.

I am completely in love with this book. Some of the language is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. In a children's book! The phrases roll around my mouth as I read. Such a joy. (Unlike, say, trudging through the Berenstain Bears.)

Tell me you can read this aloud and not fall in love:
I stare out over rooftops, past chimneys, into the way off distance. And that's when I see it coming, clouds rolling in, gray clouds, bunched and bulging under a purple sky. A creeper of hope circles 'round my bones. "Come on, rain!" I whisper.
And half of the characters, including the little girl narrator, are African-American. So total bonus there.

***

One of the more depressing things about Twitter is watching my early bird East Coast friends wake up and get online while I am still up battling insomnia. I'd appreciate it if you'd all have the decency to not tweet until after 10:00 a.m. or so. Much obliged.

5 comments:

VintageMommy said...

I completely understand your paralysis. After waiting two years in the pool for a second adoption, we had to decide whether to hang in there or move on. We chose to move on, which I have to confess I regret to this day. But at the time we were out of psychic energy after a couple of tough disappointments. And waiting two years for the phone to ring with "the call" wears you down.

Good luck with your decision.

On a happier note, the book looks wonderful; I will look for it.

mama2roo said...

Ugh--the whole parenthood thing wansn't supposed to be this HARD! Because when we were little, things looked easy for grownups, kids just happened, they just WERE. In a little over a month I turn 40. I think we're done with most of our true reproductive crises, but durn, when I walked thru the baby aisle at walmart yesterday and realiezed i didn't need anything there, man. you guys always make such well thought out choices...i have faith that all will be well with whatever happens.

and as for air conditioning...ugh. so sorry.

Jamie said...

ooohhh, i think i might love that book too! plus, it reminds me of this time of year here in az and our monsoon season. i just LOVE those afternoon dark clouds rolling in and anticipating the thunder and lightening show that will accompany those clouds. :) thanks so much for sharing!! :)

i wish you a peaceful heart as you continue your decision as to child #3 or not.......i've already tried to talk to my dear husband about preparing for #2 and it's a conversation he just can't have right now.......i think one of the most frustrating parts of my journey through this is that SO many people can just choose when they want to build their family and then a month or so later, they're on their way ~ free of "charge". when people like me or others who have gotten to their adoption place through the struggle of IF.....the decision to "have another" involves SOOOO much. emotional roller coaster, lots of money, perhaps years of waiting (again), anticpating the change in family dynamics and the list goes on.......
wow ~ i have no idea where that came from ~ i guess i just needed to get it off my chest. :)

a Tonggu Momma said...

I know where you are coming from with the timing of everything. I never expected to have a five plus year age gap between two children. But the China line is so long now (over three years waiting so far)...

And that book? I love it. I used to read it all the time to my preschoolers. I also love "A Letter For Amy" by Ezra Jack Keats for a rainy day.

Sonya and Scott said...

Whoa! No air conditioning! I live in NC, I live for it!!

Praying for you on the expansion front...I had to do a LOT of campaigning for #2! My husband was okay with one, I did NOT want an only child. I won!!

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