October 26, 2007

Sixteen Things About Wednesday

Can't pick out a narrative from the last couple days, so a list it is:
  1. I tried on a few several six different outfits Wednesday morning.

  2. I picked up T from work to drive to our appointment and realized we inadvertently dressed in matching outfits. I seriously considered being late to the appointment so I could go home and change. I also considered dying on the spot of pre-emptive embarrassment.

  3. I wore the necklace.

  4. I spent most of the morning thinking about my appearance to avoid thinking about the fact that we were about meet someone who may become a permanent member of our family and how incredibly odd that is.

  5. Just before walking into the counselor's office, I heard Ms B's voice on the other side of the door. When I realized in a few steps we would meet I experienced a moment of pure panic.

    The panic was short-lived and it was a pretty comfortable meeting. She described herself as a very private person, which is certainly something I can relate to. So I appreciated the extent to which she opened herself to us and I did my best to match it. I was impressed by the determination she has exhibited at various points in her life.

  6. She brought two friends with her, a married couple. They had read our profile materials, which include pretty much everything there is to know about us short of n@ked photos. (The materials are a combination of the home study, autobiographies, health histories, and reflections on our family life and approach to adoption.) They are so revealing that I can't read through them to myself in one sitting because I feel so exposed. It was terribly vulnerable to sit in a room of people who all knew more about me than most of my friends, yet know next to nothing about them. I think it is fair considering the situation, but--dude, I'm ok if I don't do that again for awhile.

  7. Even more so than the first time we did this with Puppy's first parents, T and I were aware that it was the two of us entering into her decision-making process. This may be part of her pulling together the pieces of an adoptive placement. Or we may be part of her trying on the idea of adoption and ultimately deciding it is not the best course for her. Either way, we have this sense that we have a certain role and it's very much just one piece of the larger whole. There is a huge body of experience and history which brought her to this place, and there is of course so much going on right now in her life that we are not privy to.

    The reverse is also true: she is a piece of the larger whole of our adoption process and our evolving family history. I think I once conceived of adoption as this linear storyline in which T and I were the central characters and meeting an expectant mom like Ms B filled in the "meeting 'our' 'birthmom'" slot. But this time it feels more like the overlap of two circles in a Venn diagram, ours and hers.

  8. There wasn't any instant connection. I didn't walk in and think, "Oh, she's the one!" But c'mon, this is me we're talking about. If I ever say something like that no one will blame you if you notify the authorities that I appear to have been replaced by a pod person.

  9. She brought us some copies of pictures from her last ultrasound that she wanted us to have. There was 2-D ultrasound picture and some 3-D ones. I guess 3-D ultrasounds are pretty standard now? In the 2-D picture I thought the baby's nose was a foot, so obviously I rocked my response there. The 3-D ones are...creepy. (T on the way home: "Can we not put those on the refrigerator next to the food?") I think there is a reason babies grow where we can't see them. The baby did look all snuggly and relaxed, so I guess all is good on that front. It was very kind of her to share those with us.

  10. At one point I quoted myself verbatim from a blog post and completed my transformation into a living, breathing cliché.

  11. We went out to lunch afterward with Ms B and her friends. The friends monopolized the conversation, to the point of answering questions I asked B directly. I woke up the next day pretty frustrated about that. Not that they were there--Ms B had the right to invite along whatever support people she needed--but that B, T and I were facing this major decision that didn't directly involve them and hadn't been able to have decent conversation after we left the office.

  12. We exchanged phone numbers so we could continue to get to know one another. We hope to see her again sometime next month. The next agency-coordinated meeting with all three of us would be in January.

  13. The agency is working separately with the baby's dad. He has been reticent, not necessarily about the possible placement (or it wouldn't have gotten to this stage), but about openness and being much involved in the process or going to counseling. This is weighing heavily on my mind.

  14. There was some information we received on Wednesday that factored into our decision to move forward. I'm still working out what is appropriate to share.

  15. Ms B's daughter (that's right, I said daughter) is due February 8.

  16. If MaybeBaby joins the PNR clan, we'll be a transracial family.


Dawn said...

You sound very ... you sound a little muted and tired. I'm thinking of you!!

GLouise said...

Hey Heather. I found you through Tammy. I am a new adoptive mama, and look forward to learning from you, and following you along this latest journey.
Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing...I've really been thinking about you a lot and checking in often.

A few things...
YAY you wore the necklace!!

YAY Ms. B has some supportive friends. Maybe she really needed their intervention during this meeting.

I really like what you said about two separate decision making processes and the Venn diagram. I always had the linear thought as well, especially since N. wasn't really REAL to us until Woob was born and we were able to meet her and spend time with her.

The new ultrasounds ARE creepy. And amazingly accurate. And creepy. And cool.

Get some rest. Let things sink in awhile. I'm glad you'll be talking between meetings.


Angela said...

wow, the "emotion" (or shall I call it an almost blank stare at a fly on the wall) reminds me of our 13 days from chosen to born...
Girl huh? :) I wont bounce up and down for you (yet) but you know i hope to.
Thinkin' of ya!

Heather said...

Dawn, muted is...apt. Didn't realize I was being quite so transparent.

Glouise, welcome!

Mama2roo, did you know I love you? If we were in high school I would totally pass you notes during class. Do you have an email address?

Angela, feel free to bounce away. Someone needs to!

BlessedWithDaughters said...

I'm bouncing! I totally dig the idea of you being a transracial a-mama.

And a girl!

As always, I have to point out the part that cracked me up in the midst of all the seriousness..."pod people"...HA! I'm glad that even though you appear to be somewhat drained, you are maintaining that quick wit...


Anonymous said...

Dawn's response is perfect...

Your post is really wonderful even though it obviously was a very draining day, wore you out, and gave you lots to think about. You are always thinking about things in a deeper, fuller context. I appreciate what you shared with us.

I hope you get some time to rest up. Take care and give yourself the time you need to process. *hugs*

And this cracked me up:

At one point I quoted myself verbatim from a blog post and completed my transformation into a living, breathing cliché.

Take care, Heather.

Anonymous said...

"If we were in high school I would totally pass you notes during class."

Is there a BETTER compliment in the world than that?? :D

email anytime at zoobitydoo@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

...Oh, and matching his and hers adoptive parent outfits are really all the rage this year! *grin* Don't sweat it.

Andromeda Jazmon said...

An enormous day you had! I am praying blessings on you and Ms. B , the father and the baby.

JJandFive said...

Aww... Heather, so happy that you had time with her outside of the agency. And will have a few months to get to know eachother. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I've been checking in.
: ) Juli

Anonymous said...

Oh, I SO use "pod people" all the time! That made me laugh.

Your thoughtful and introspective view of this time is very heartfelt. It made me pause...and then, smile.

Finally, I have a 4d US of Bean where his developing teeth show thru his (relatively) chubby cheek. I still feel like a ghoul when I look at it. Ha.

Anonymous said...

I like how you described the way in which you all impact each other's lives instead of you all having your life experience and her fitting into a role. There's so much more to it, isn't there?

And yes, those 3d ultrasounds are so creepy!

Deb said...

Oh, sure... you make me cry over your previous post, and now I'm laughing so hard over your matching outfits and cliched self that I almost snorted water up my nose!

Yoka said...

I hope you have time to get to know Ms. B better (without these other people that she brought along).

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