June 19, 2007

A Little Vulnerable

No matter how secure I feel about Puppy's adoption day-to-day, there are always these (mostly) irrational, crazy fears rolling around in the recesses of my heart. They have little to do with reality, just the conjecture of an unfettered mind as it drifts into sleep. Maybe all adoptive parents have them. I kind of hope so, because I'm about to share fourteen of mine with you:

  1. Someone somewhere forgot to sign something and we're not really Puppy's legal parents.
  2. I will get pregnant and we won't finish the second adoption/Puppy will feel he was a placeholder until our real kid came along/all the peoples of the world will collectively point at me and say, "I told you so!"
  3. K and R wish they hadn't placed him.
  4. They wish they hadn't placed him with us.
  5. They make fun of us behind our backs.
  6. I would be a better parent if I had given birth.
  7. K or R will let Puppy down.
  8. We will let K and R down.
  9. I will let Puppy down.
  10. We will all let each other down until we're just one big pile of disappointment and dashed hopes.
  11. Puppy will grow up and feel like a stranger in his first family.
  12. Puppy will grow up and decide we're not really his family.
  13. Puppy will grow up to become the leader of the adoption abolition movement, denounce me on the internet (which at that point will stream directly into our brains), and sell t-shirts with "Adoptress!" scrawled across my picture.
  14. The t-shirts will include a link to this blog.

And you?


BlessedWithDaughters said...

Many of these feel so similar to what I've felt...Here's my list.

1. Someone somewhere forgot to sign something and we're not really the girls' legal parents.
2. I will get pregnant and feel overwhelmed since I don't really feel up to parenting more than two kids...selfish of me, I know, but I've done it before and it wasn't the least bit fun (when we fostered, I once had 3 kids that were 3 years and under).
3. I will get pregnant and the girls will feel like they are somehow inferior to the white baby that actually DID come out of mommy's belly...even though I would never consciously do anything to make them feel that way.
4. That M. will wish she hadn't placed/placed with us. (I think she already feels this way sometimes.)
5. That M. will let BabyGirl down (she has already started down that path)
6. That I'm too addicted to blogging to be a decent mom who spends time with her kids (I promise, the girls are napping!). :)

AND of course, your last few points had me howling!!

This was fun, but I think it is true for some of us. No matter how "educated" we are about how adoption works, there are a few glaring examples of what CAN and HAS gone wrong for other people. I guess it's a matter of finding a way to focus on reality rather than "what ifs." Hard to do!

Erin said...

my list is almost exactly the same

Suzanne said...


Here I worry about getting them to school on time. Obviously I need to get more serious about my worrying.

Suzanne said...

actually, so much has gone wrong/bad already, I've just given up on worrying and am working on getting through the day . . .

(sorry that I sounded so glib)

Going Back to Square One said...

Yup. You said it perfectly.

abebech said...

Lots of them don't apply to us, but the ones that do . . . funny and sad because they're true. I'm just assuming that the last two are going to happen -- better to be perpared. (And in a weird way I'll probably be proud that she's so self-possessed that she doesn't worry about me and even more so if she leads a movement . . .).

happy mom said...

We will all let each other down until we're just one big pile of disappointment and dashed hopes.

that just makes me laugh and I am still afraid of it. becuase I do have my children that are adopted and a surprise biological child, I know the real fear of all you were saying from your what ifs.

I actually relaxed a lot once we finalized, but you have given me more fear of the unsigned something. And I continually imagine being that family on the news were they headline the adoption and all the things gone wrong and being the let down of all families who have adopted everywhere.

Also reading just a small part of your blog and all that you are thinking about and the fact that I think in much more simple terms makes me fear even more! There must be so much more that I haven't even thought about.

just found your blog, hope it is okay that I left a comment.

Jen said...

We haven't even started the process yet, but I already have a few of those rattling around.

Heather said...

Happy mom, of course it's ok to comment! Welcome to you, and to the other new commenters.

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