September 29, 2008

Come On Over

Oh, adoption-y friends in the computer, I very much wish you could come over to my house tonight. I would pass around tea and my famously tasty chocolate chip cookies. Then I would tell you about the past 36 hours, just lay it all out for you, and you could say encouraging things and tell me exactly what to say and do.

Or we could just watch How I Met Your Mother and Gossip Girl. Your choice.

We had the oddest combination of interactions with all four of our kids' first parents this weekend. Any one of them could have had my overly analytical brain clicking away for a week. The four of them together have left me with a drained heart and a mind spinning with confusion.

In my experience, there are two broad reasons people say they could never adopt. The first is that they see adoption as some sort of pale imitation of "real" family; people who buy into that concept just aren't worth my time. The second is that they have taken an honest look at some of the unique realities of adoption--whether ethical or emotional--and feel that they are not up to taking them on. Today I say to those people, "Dude, I so get it."

20 comments:

Min said...

Hoping all is well. This is bound to be a post that piques everyone's curiosity...I know it did mine, but I'm nosy that way.

Hugs, H...

--Min

mama2roo said...

Okay--first, I would SO love to come to your home, play with your babies and eat your cookies while watching The Best TV Ever with you! But since that ain't gonna happen tonight, most likely, please just know that I'm with you on the other part sista, and if you need anything, or wannta bounce some things around, I'm right here. This is a crazy ride sometimes, isn't it??

And, Min?? I've never been able to access your blog since you went private...hope you're doing well!

Thorn said...

Heather, I think it's because of the difficulties of an open, ethical adoption that you're such an inspiration to me and I'm sure many others. Take care of yourselves.

Tammy said...

(((((((Heather))))))))))) ... I can only imagine how emotionally exhausted you and your hubby are. I am certain there is lots to process. I know I do, after one of our coveted visits. I hope you'll have a chance to think things through. Having all your kids' other parents visit must have been overwhelming to say the least. It's not easy... we can only hope and pray the work at these relationships are worth it. Hoping for all of you...

a Tonggu Momma said...

Heather - Oh, goodness. I so get this. I've had friends tell me they could never love an adopted child the way they do "their own." Grr... But the underside of adoption - I didn't know how ugly it can get, how difficult it is for the others within the triad, how hard you must work to do things right.

Vacant Uterus said...

I'm dealing with some of those realities myself. And dude, I SO get it.

*hugs*
Flicka

Bailan said...

Hi Heather,

Sorry to hear you had a rough weekend. Hope you can give yourself credit for working through all of those first parent relationships even though it's not easy!

FireMom said...

DUDE! I'll be over to watch HIMYM like STAT. Yeah.

That said, I fall into the latter myself.

Lori said...

Families are crazy. Some you are born with. Some you marry into. Some you adopt into. If you don't have some craziness in your family...well, then you're the crazy ones. So the good news is, you're not crazy! Sorry, just trying to make you smile.

I don't know the right encouraging words for whatever you went through. But I trust that this is just another step in the journey. One which you will work through with your usual care. Hang in there! Email or call if you wanna talk. Or I can swing by if you have cookies...

Clementine said...

I'm thinking of you and sending you peaceful vibes through the computer. I'm also eating one of your cookies--okay, three of them--and hoping you'll have some time to relax and put the weekend into perspective. Best wishes!

cynthia said...

yeah, i too wish we could hang out.
complexity can be fun... (or at least deal-able) when you can share it. but by the way, that is a LOT of family for the weekend, no matter what the situation.

Meg Weber Jeske said...

Wow, I wish I could come hang out and be supportive too. Sending good thoughts instead and the knowledge that others out here get ya about the complexities and challenges.

Thinking of you all...

Meg

Ariella said...

Since I don't know what to say I will just give you a virtual ((((((HUG))))))

m de p said...

Thank goodness that there are such capable and caring families like your own that, after taking a long look at adoption, still take the plunge, so to speak. Not that this makes your weekend any easier, but something tells me that you are well-equiped to handle intense situations. Hope that you are able to decompress soon after your weekend.

thanksgivingmom said...

I'm so sorry that this weekend threw you for an emotional roller coaster...

I so wish that I could watch my shows with you tonight! Especially since I have a feeling my new boy roomie won't particulary be into Gossip Girl....HIMYM maybe, but Gossip Girl? Not so likely.

((((hugs)))

Kendra said...

Hmmm. Well, I hope that some things are starting to settle down now. I'll be thinking of you.

P.S. We met baby's mother last week! It was much less awkward than I ever could have expected, so I'm hoping that things stay on that course (as much as possible).

Paragraphein said...

((Heather))

Portraits In Sepia said...

oh, I would love to hear more. As someone just beginning the adoption process I am curious about the trials headed my way.

ak_sapphire said...

you had me at "famously tasty chocolate chip cookies"...mmm mmm good! i think it's so wonderful that you're involving your children's first parents in their lives, even with the hurdles and complications. the end result will be so rewarding, for everyone involved.

luna said...

I can only try to imagine your weekend encounters. I agree it takes a special family to deal with the ongoing/evolving complexities in a truly open adoption. I hope yours recovers well.

also anticipating looking for some coping mechanisms, if you have any you are willing to share...

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