June 23, 2008

Officially Four

On Friday we headed to the town where it all began to finalize Firefly's adoption. It looks like there will be two adoption days to remember in June for us. While we were waiting, Puppy and the clerk practiced standing up when the judge entered the courtroom. She forgot to mention the part about sitting down afterward, so Puppy spent a good part of the ceremony yelling, "Stand up! Stand up, everybody!" Ah, memories.

So now we are a family of four and can flit across the border without so much as telling a soul. Hurrah! And Firefly's connection to Ms B is recognized and protected in the open adoption agreement, at least on a minimal level.

You'd think that after almost two years of of preparation and waiting and contentious decision-making, we'd be ready to stand still for awhile. But no! Because T and I make decisions by talking the crap out of them well before we actually need to take action are overthinkers, we keep coming back to the extremely hypothetical and confusing child #3.

When we got married, I vaguely wanted two kids and T wanted enough to field a football team. He later reduced his vision to a basketball team. Even now, as he's still reeling from the transition to two children (twice the kid, thrice the work), the energy of a large family appeals to him. My original defense ("When you birth the babies you can decide how many we're going to have.") doesn't hold much water anymore.

We sorta agreed not to make any family planning decisions until Firefly turned one. The corollary was that we also wouldn't talk about next steps for several months. I think we lasted all of three weeks. We both agree that we are D-O-N-E with private adoption, either domestic or international. We just don't have the resources--emotional or financial--to responsibly travel that road a third time.

Our intention in the very beginning was to adopt two children of color. Obviously that plan didn't go as expected. So we ponder questions of balance and the ramifications of Firefly being the only non-white person in the household. One of us isn't ready to take a non-adopted child off the table yet. One of gets squirmy at the thought of more than three kids. One of us is nudging the other toward fostering. One of us wonders if our family isn't just right as it is. I'll let you guess where each of us falls.

Above it all, both of us feel lucky to be considering questions of "more" and not "if." This is not the exact road we expected take and once started we found it more morally complicated than expected, but how joyful it has been nonetheless.

7 comments:

Queenie. . . said...

I can't even tell you how this post impacted me.

I've been feeling torn (again) about how I want to create my family. I always thought I would adopt, but DH really wanted a biokid. Then we had a m/c, and he's open to anything now. And maybe, we won't have a choice anyway about the matter. Your family sounds divine, and I love that the possibilities are still endless. Good luck to you as you continue to talk it all around!

Kohana said...

It is hard to come to a decision, let alone follow it through to completion! I hope you all come to agreement on a plan that feels right for your family.

Tammy said...

Are you living in my house? You got it, two overthinkers here (well really there's one overthinker and that's Hubby... he would say I'm an overtalker!) and well, you've read our journey. Like you we can't in good stewardship go the private route. And right now, if we could foster without basically starting our foster-adopt homestudy over, I think we would (okay I would!) in a heartbeat. Time will tell. And you will make good decisions. You have all along. And be blessed for them.

PunditMom said...

Decisions about creating families that are right for each individual are so tough. PunditGirl is struggling right now with: (1) why she can'thave a younger sibling and (2) why she feels she's the only Asian person she knows (which isn't true, of course, but that how she's feeling.

luna said...

congratulations on your new addition! and thanks so much for your comments and support on our new path. it means a lot.

Minnie said...

I absolutely love your blog and your attitude. You restore my faith in humanity.

Heather.PNR said...

Thanks, Minnie. You made my day. :)

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