March 10, 2008

Say Anything Else

I have enjoyed introducing Firefly to our little community. I have not enjoyed some of the things people are saying to us. What ever happened to, "Congratulations"?

Typically I don't mind people's ill-thought-out comments too much; heaven knows I've made enough of them myself. But I've been a bit overwhelmed by the sheer volume of them lately--and by the fact that the exact same ones keep falling out of folks' mouths:
  1. "Where did she come from?"

  2. "I thought she would be darker."

  3. "So are you going to have to do cornrows and beads?"

  4. "You adopted [Puppy]? Really?"

  5. "How nice for you that you did this the easy way."
I know that we'll hear less of these as the novelty of Firefly wears off. But even just a week off would be nice right about now.

At least I've gotten my responses down pat.

23 comments:

Judy said...

Some people can be idiots.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Mindy said...

The biggest idiots are the ones who ask things like:

"WHAT is she?" or...

"I heard the wait is shorter for brown kids. Is that why you did this?"

I get several variations of these questions about my girls. I'm sorry people can be stupid. Best wishes, H.

GLouise said...

Oh man.

Whatever happened to "Congratulations" indeed??!!!!!

Megan said...

Wow. I'm a bit stunned that people actually say these things to you. I'm so sorry you've had to listen to these comments!

abebech said...

If you're ever in need for new pat answers or snarky responses, we can trade!
My favorites in the first months: "Why would you ask that?" with lots of different inflections depending on level of annoyance, and "I'm surprised you would say that."

Congratulations to you!

Kathy's Korner said...

Its a real kick in the pants isn't it? After circling in for a few weeks...and falling completetely in love with this sweetie...you venture out and hear "stuff" (trying to be polite) like that. I missed hearing congratulations too as opposed to all the ones you've listed and the ever famous "she sure is one lucky baby!"

Well....if I didn't say it before...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clementine said...

Good times there. We've gotten, "Is she mixed?" and, "Where did you get her? She was born in MASSACHUSETTS? No way!She has such an exotic look, she doesn't look American." We've also gotten a few comments about how Hester will have quite a temper when she gets older because of her "Latin blood." Lovely, no?

I find that it's easier to deal with stupid questions/comments from people I know because I care enough about them and about Hester's future relationship with them to do some educating. Hester looks enough like us that strangers rarely comment on her appearance, THANK GOD.

Thanksgivingmom said...

I was just working on a "congratulations" post of my own last night, and this is certainly another side of the coin...

I wish I could say I can't believe it, but ugh, I do.

I had to laugh though at Clementine's comment! Are children of color not allowed to be born in MA? That one DID throw me for an unexpected loop!

hope548 said...

It's bad enough the comments that infertility brings, but the stupidity never stops I guess! I've also noticed how many people are "so excited" for us that we're going to adopt. I can't believe someone asked about corn rows and beads. Come on!

mayhem said...

Um, yikes!

I'd love to hear what your responses are!

Ariella said...

I am so sorry you get questions like those, they are rude and in somecases hurtful. I hate to ask this but what ARE your responces? (I hope me asking that isn't offensive)

waiting4max said...

I actually heard an adoptive mother say that she had "done it the easy way" not that long ago. I was mortified, but it seemed that was her way of allowing the people around her to say stupid things (Oh, a store bought baby!).

I'm constantly amazed and freaked out and we're still waiting, so none of it has been directed at me yet!

Kendra said...

I'm definitely interested to hear what your responses are. People's rudeness is just amazing to me...

Gretchen aka mamagigi said...

I don't know if it's because of my nature to expect the best from people and being ever-hopeful in others' ability to "get it," but I continue to be surprised and disappointed in such comments.

Yet, although this is doublethink, I'm not surprised at all.

We had loads of these when baby Maeve first began to meet people in our community and I'm sorry to say, they still happen two-plus years later.

I've also heard the "easy way" comment, I've had people ask me "what" she is, I've also felt the stares. The ones where she's in the stroller and people approaching us look down at her and smile, but inevitably look up at me to make some kind of connection. There isn't one to be had, folks. We don't look alike at all. I can see the puzzled look on their face and then their eyes shift down to her in the stroller again, then back up to me. Like seeing if something enticing appeared in the fridge sincec the last time you opened it.

Nothing's changed folks. Get over it.

Ug. So frustrating. I've gotten better in my responses, but there's still room for improvement as I can rarely think of them in the moment.

call me mama said...

My husband and I have adopted two boys- 18 and 10 months old. Our children are white (mostly) and born in the us, in fact in our state, one in our town.
“The problem is…” they are too close in age, Don’t look like you, Look like your husband, Do they look like your husband? What’s the deal, are they twins? Are you babysitting? You must be babysitting, Are you the happy grandma? One brown, one blue, who did you sleep with? They aren’t siblings! What happened here? Seriously, A looks just like your husband but H doesn’t look like anybody! Where did you get them? Do you straighten your hair? Why didn’t you go to China?”
We just hope our boys will get strength from their myriad of family- first and other- to stand up for themselves, to be themselves and to be the best brothers they can be. I can only imagine what they’ll hear as they grow up.
I’ve assumed all adoptive parents hear things like this- international, interracial, single parent- gad! We all look different.

Jemma said...

Oh no, I'm sorry you have to put up with these silly questions. I'd love to hear your responses thoug, I bet they stop people dead!

Sadly there are people who can find rude and stupid questions to ask about a baby whatever the circumstances. I was astonished today when a pregnant friend of mine (who is originally from India and is beautifully dark with a very blonde and fair husband) was asked by a woman...

"are you hoping the baby takes after it's dad? It will fit in better round here then huh? You must find it hard....."

The fact that we live in a wonderfully ethnically diverse part of the country seemed to have passed this woman by!

Roni said...

AWFUL- people sure don't THINK before they open their mouths do they!
I'm sorry Heather and all that have commented that comments like these are said.
Who cares about color, where they were born, etc all that matters is that they are loved and cared for.
Give all your kiddos ((HUGS)) from me! May they become strong individuals and not take any nasty comments to heart as they grow.

Corey~living and loving said...

oh man....it just sends me over the edge....where are people's brains...and why aren't they using them?
hugs!

Heather.PNR said...

You guys are funny. And awesome.

I'll put up some of my usual responses. But I hope expectations aren't too high!

ImpostorMom said...

apparently everything having to do with adding to your family brings out the idiotic comments. It's good you can take them in stride.

The easy way? Really? that is certainly not a way I would have characterized this having read yours posts from this experience.

Cloudscome said...

I am sorry you have to listen to all that. I'd love to hear your responses too!

Poor_Statue said...

Blah! I can't believe it!

CC said...

I'm getting so angry just reading those comments!

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