May 11, 2007

What I Didn't Say

Dear K,

There were some thoughts I left out of the cheerful greeting card that's on its way to you now. Things on my mind more and more as Mother's Day approaches.

We're close now to being a "waiting family" again, as you know. It feels different this time, both the wait and the process in general. Partly because we have Puppy, of course. But also because of you.

When we were waiting the first time, it was all about hopeful anticipation. There was frustration at times, and fear that we might be hurt or disappointed. But over all that was excitement that soon we would be a family. I looked ahead to the end of the wait and all I saw was joy.

It wasn't that I had no idea there would be heartache for you. I had read my books, listened to people's stories. I felt sad about the choices you were facing. I was sympathtic, in my own analytical way. But it was still hypothetical. You weren't real to me yet, nor was your connection to me. I didn't know how hard it would be to watch you grieve and know there was little I could do to help.

The irony, I suppose, is that the only way I could begin to understand the pain you would experience was for you to make me a mom. Even now I don't claim to understand it completely. But I know how visceral my own love for Puppy is, how deep in my gut I feel it when I imagine losing him.

When I look ahead to this second adoption, I do feel the excitement again. The thrill of bringing another person into our family. But alongside that is the knowledge that there will be another you. Another woman I will care for deeply. Another woman I will witness go through a gut-wrenching loss. Another mom feeling left out on Mother's Day. There is no way to look forward to that.

Love to you,

1 comment:

Mandy said...

WOW you have an amazing way with words. This is how i feel about possibly starting the process again. In the big picture we would love to have a little sister for our daughter but when you really think about the process it's heart wrenching on all sides. I don't know if I can do it again. Feel all the pain for the birthmom and see her in pain. I cried so hard the day before we left to go home with our daughter because her birthmom was crying so hard. It's a hard process but the joy we get in the end is worth it. I love to read your blog and you always hit my feelings exactly.

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