May 03, 2007

A Letter to My Son

Dear Puppy,

You are too young now to understand the things I am about to tell you, but I want to put them down for the day that you will.

The first time I held you, in awe of how perfect you were, you slowly opened your eyes and looked up toward me. As your mom and dad sat watching, I pulled your innocent face close to mine and wept. You had no idea that your world was about to be turned upside down; you were about to become the adopted son of two people you did not know.

I want you to know that your adoption wasn't your fault. K and R's reasons for not raising you themselves are for them to share with you, not me. But it was not because you were unwanted or unloved. Before Daddy and I even knew you existed, K and R were loving and protecting you. There has never been a time when you were outside of that love.

It was us adults who set your adoption in motion, not you. For now it is ours to shape and nurture and to make as healthy as we can. But one day it will belong to you. It will be yours to hate or love, resent or treasure, discuss or hide. Probably a little of all those things at some point. I want you to know that we realize it belongs to you, not to us.

That is not to say your adoption doesn't affect us. But the feelings I have about not birthing you are only mine. The feelings K and R have about not raising you--they are theirs alone. Even our feelings about your first parents and theirs about us are only for us to worry about. Don't ever think that you are responsible for the things we feel. It is not your job to heal us or protect us.

I cried that first day with you because I knew that you were about to lose something that could never be replaced. Already there was going to be something I couldn't fix for you. No matter how much Daddy and I had waited and hoped for you, we knew were an addition in your life, not a replacement for K and R.

I wish we could make that loss go away, but it's yours to carry. One day you will decide for yourself what it means to you and how much of your identity it will be. Until that day and every day after, know that our love for you is unconditional and beyond measure.

Love,
Mama

3 comments:

Tammy said...

No words... none. Except to say I hope that what you wrote to Puppy is what my children someday wholly understand.

Tammy said...

Good grief... I'm trying to type through my tears... it should read "what I hope my children someday wholly understand"... sorry...

justenjoyhim/judy said...

That's really beautiful.

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