Comments on Production, Not Reproduction | A blog about open adoption and home of Open Adoption Bloggers: Let's (Not) Talk About Hair

I always love your blog.. you are so thought-inspi...

2010-07-16T12:23:45.401-07:00

I always love your blog.. you are so thought-inspiring!!

while i've had a few white people comment on their hair (so far (it's only been 6 weeks with our 3 year old and 1 year old!!) it's always been very nice and i havne't even thought about that actually probably a lot of them do me (wow, you're white and they're black)... i just think they do have pretty hair and that they were just saying pretty hair haha)

But i've also had tons of black people come up and tell me that "she has good hair, or good job on the style.. or that the baby's gonna have good hair since she still doesn't have any and is already 1...." it's sorta funny... not offensive but funny

however, what does cause a problem is when so much fuss is made over the girls while were out and my bio/white daughter feels totally left out... less special.. etc etc.... come on people! think about what you're doing! She's already asked me if I think the girls are pretty than her :(

I LOVED this post! I am a white mom to a little b...

2009-12-21T20:50:02.569-08:00

I LOVED this post! I am a white mom to a little boy with the most gorgeous chocolate skin! He is now 15 months old and my husband and I spent HOURS traveling around our city, literally making 11 stops, to find him a black barber. Some of our family members thought we were CRAZY for this, but we want him to feel proud of his hair and proud of his culture. He now sports one tight hair cut with a crisp tape line and looks so grown up. I know his hair looks cute, but I really do get tired of everyone rubbing his little head all of the time. And I think your right, it is code for, "i noticed your white and he is black." Btw, after trying a ton of various hair lotions (grease), we finally caved and agreed that pink lotion is the best (even though I am not a huge fan of the smell... but the new scent is much better.)
-Diana

When I lived in East/Central Africa, people would ...

2009-12-07T11:46:59.540-08:00

When I lived in East/Central Africa, people would sometimes touch (or ask to touch) my hair.

But as someone who has lived in a culture as a minority, and who has also read bits and pieces of "how to be a white parent of a black/mixed-ethnicity child", I see the complete obsession with hair (and skin, as well). Although occasionally when living overseas people would catch themselves and say "oh yeah, you don't use that product do you" or "ooh, I can't braid your hair very well, can I?" it was SO minor in the list of Cultural Differences We Can Talk About. It's very important to women (and to some extent, kids and men) where I was living, but not as This IS what makes us Different.

I love this post. And Firefly's hair and what...

2009-12-06T22:58:35.025-08:00

I love this post.
And Firefly's hair and what you're doing with it.
And my son's hair ... which I finally bought some product for this weekend.
And a strange man touched Squeaker's hair this weekend without asking first and I thought "oh dear lord, here we go ..."

@Lori - Don't be silly! Compliments fro...

2009-12-06T02:28:24.410-08:00

@Lori - Don't be silly! Compliments from friends can mean a lot. Totally different.

@Flicka - Share away!

@Rachael - If I see a random adult start to...

2009-12-06T01:21:46.926-08:00

@Rachael - If I see a random adult start to go for Firefly's hair, sometimes I'll casually put my own hand on her head before they can get there. Or if I'm holding her I might turn her away slightly. I don't want to make people too uncomfortable (unless they're being rude), but I do want her to know that she has the right not to be touched, and that we will assert that right for her until she's old enough to do it herself.

@marta - Puppy gets his hair touched by a c...

2009-12-06T01:14:07.400-08:00

@marta - Puppy gets his hair touched by a couple of the little kids at the African-American church we attend. Firefly is fascinated by a super-blond toddler friend of ours and goes for her hair a lot. And I've experienced it myself with kids in some of my overseas travelling. I think that stuff is normal for kids under a certain age. It's just how they explore the world, you know? Not sure where the age cutoff is, but at some point the touching sets off my rudeness meter. I'd have a hard time with seventh graders doing it without asking first! :)

Is it a (safe) topic because hair is "fixable...

2009-12-05T16:48:25.504-08:00

Is it a (safe) topic because hair is "fixable" unlike skin color?

What a lovely post! Do you mind if I send it along...

2009-12-05T11:51:44.524-08:00

What a lovely post! Do you mind if I send it along to a few friends?

@Cynthia-what great responses! I'm so using them in the future!

And of course, what did I say when I saw Firefly b...

2009-12-04T20:35:11.007-08:00

And of course, what did I say when I saw Firefly but "you do such a terrific job with her hair." Sorry to be so obtuse.

Perhaps it's a girl thing though. We used to get comments all the time on my white daughter's long hair. She had a ton of hair from birth and thus was always a topic of conversation.

Yes, yes...what about the HAIR? I think it is so (...

2009-12-04T17:51:10.334-08:00

Yes, yes...what about the HAIR? I think it is so (sadly) simple--people are just afraid of something different. So, many "white" moms are freaked. I can, on the flip side, understand that obviously cared for hair signals pride and all sorts of messages about culture. As a hopeful prospective "white" mom (what a description!) of a brown kid, I really look forward to any and all care and styling of hair. But if said kid balks and hates the whole idea, well then, I hope people look at us and see a happy kid with a happy, loving mom...period.

thank you for this post... It is good to hear fro...

2009-12-04T16:45:05.740-08:00

thank you for this post... It is good to hear from parents in a similar situation. I have been trying to learn about caring for my daughter's hair. She is biracial, and has the most beautiful, curly, light brown hair. It is a very different texture from any hair that I am used to, but that makes it all the more lovely to us.
We have dealt with people touching and commenting on our daughter's hair a lot. Sometimes, people reach out and touch it without even thinking about it...just as they are talking to us, etc. I think it is just out of curiousity, but I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it yet.... thanks again for your insightful post.

@ Lisa Whenever people ask where I got my kids, w...

2009-12-04T11:07:16.130-08:00

@ Lisa

Whenever people ask where I got my kids, where they got their looks, etc... I always say "Wal-Mart. You can buy anything at Wal-Mart."

My daughter when asked how she got so smart or so cute says "God did it." :D

I love this post. My daughter's hair is so be...

2009-12-04T11:01:08.638-08:00

I love this post. My daughter's hair is so beautiful, but I can't help but note how many people notice it. The most annoying comment, for me, is when someone says "Where did you get those beautiful curls?" Because I'm not quite sure what to say to that. "From her male progenitor." "It just sprouted out of the top of her head." Seriously, what do you say to perfect strangers when they ask that?

Great post. I have a couple of thoughts based on ...

2009-12-04T04:17:51.967-08:00

Great post.
I have a couple of thoughts based on being white in Africa. Twice, during our time in West Africa, I ended up with African foster daughters for a couple of weeks.
It seems to me that African women show their love and care for their daughters by making sure their hair is done. It was considered like letting your daughter go to church in faded dirty clothes to let her go with her hair all sloppy and braids coming undone. I'm NOT an expert and am speaking as an outsider, just telling what I observed. I saw moms taking great pride in their daughter's hair.
Also, part of the reason people want to touch your daughter's hair is because it's unusual. We're used to that on the other end of things. Kids, esp in the villages, were ALWAYS touching my kids' hair. Especially Abel, who has straight strawberry-blonde hair. It's not always a bad thing; it can be a healthy curiousity and an introduction to something different.
I am cringing about the police car though. AUGH AUGH AUGH!

This is a beautiful, thoughtful post. Thank you fo...

2009-12-03T21:43:06.754-08:00

This is a beautiful, thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing it.

It's really not only adopted children, though....

2009-12-03T19:11:13.732-08:00

It's really not only adopted children, though. I think that people who are white are just so amazed at how beautiful AA hair can look...because we all KNOW that it HAS to be difficult, but it's so beautiful at the same time. My cousin is married to an AA man and they talked about hair at the shower, both my cousin and her inlaws (who are all black) brought it up time and again. Perhaps, it seemed to me....it's even part of AA culture/pride/whatever, at least in this family, to be able to "master" your hair. It was kind of a big joke with my cousin, how she would be really proving herself. So...it kind of goes both ways, I think.

For my part, I just think that AA children are beautiful...we see VERY FEW AA children here and I think that makes the ones I do see seem extra beautiful! I have an internet friend who has adopted an AA child (she's white) and her hair is just always SO fabulous. I've commented a few times on it, but only the same way as I'd complement another child's lovely feature.

beautiful post! since T is a boy i know the hair c...

2009-12-03T18:44:48.736-08:00

beautiful post! since T is a boy i know the hair care will be slightly easier. but i too am doing the research and just spent a bunch of money on products! so far the hair touching hasn't been out of control, only friends and family. once strangers start to reach out and touch i know i'll feel differently.

this is lovely. really really nice. we've ha...

2009-12-03T18:17:26.046-08:00

this is lovely. really really nice.

we've had a slight twist on the hair touching phenomenon: we are two white moms, with a white daughter (bio daughter of my partner), and a black son. we live i a mixed-but-majority black neighborhood, and my kids go to a predominantly black school. my daughter is the only white kid in her seventh grade (about 45 kids). she has very long, straight, brown hair -- and kids want to touch it all the time!

This is fascinating heather. I think you ought to ...

2009-12-03T14:02:38.522-08:00

This is fascinating heather. I think you ought to consider publishing it.

Re: the police car woman Here's the thing tha...

2009-12-03T13:13:47.799-08:00

Re: the police car woman

Here's the thing that bugs me about some parents. (I know I've said that my kids are ungrateful, so I'll raise my hand as hypocrite.) If they wanted someone to be grateful to them, they should have gotten a dog!

Adoption is not a service to society or a civic duty. It's not about endowing gifts on the unfortunate. I believe all potential adoptive parents should have to take (and pass) the IMPACT training for foster parents. There's an excellent section on how the child feels moving into a new home - anger, fear, shame, guilt, anxiety, etc... and not a single part of them is saying "oh, thank you Jesus for delivering me to this lady's front door."

The parent/child relationship should never be about debt. That just reinforces the thought in the child's (and the parent's) mind that they are property and can be assigned a value.

I don't disagree with anything you've said...

2009-12-03T13:12:00.133-08:00

I don't disagree with anything you've said, but I'll add some food for thought:

My daughter has blonde hair and at one time, had the cute curls, which a great many people (strangers) commented on and touched.... and my daughter and I are the same race.

@mayhem - A few entries later the police ca...

2009-12-03T12:43:47.086-08:00

@mayhem - A few entries later the police car woman was complaining that her newly adopted children weren't grateful enough compared to her bio children.

I try to leave a lot of room for differences in parenting approaches, because goodness knows there's enough people could critique in my life. But some things are a clear, "Oh, hell no."

Enjoyed this entry ALOT!

2009-12-03T12:19:15.671-08:00

Enjoyed this entry ALOT!

"I was telling her that the little girl's...

2009-12-03T11:32:37.950-08:00

"I was telling her that the little girl's hair is cute now like yours was, but just wait until she gets older and it all goes crazy," she chuckles.

He got a fun surprise, she says, when a police officer friend of hers playfully handcuffed him and put him in the back of his squad car. She finds this hilarious

OH MY GOD!! These are so SO horrifying.

I'm trying not to judge because I know I have a lot to learn too, but... Okay, I'm judging.