Comments on Production, Not Reproduction | A blog about open adoption & host of Open Adoption Bloggers: Open Adoption Roundtable #9

Better late than never? http://thanksgivingmom.wo...

2009-11-17T10:02:30.100-08:00

Better late than never?

http://thanksgivingmom.wordpress.com/2009/11/17/open-adoption-roundtable-9-insert-eye-roll-here/

I am both an adoptive mom in an open adoption and ...

2009-11-10T20:22:43.605-08:00

I am both an adoptive mom in an open adoption and an adoption coach. We have been totally open and honest with our now 5 year old daughter about how she came into our family.

I feel it's very healthy for our daughter to maintain contact with anyone from her first family that is open to it - we have plans to see my daughter Ariel's birth grandma and great grandparents the day after Thanksgiving.

Which feels so appropriate as five years later, I am still so thankful and grateful we were chosen to be her parents.

I tell adoption coaching clients that I work with that an open adoption relationship is one built on trust. Never promise something to the biological family you are not prepared to deliver just to be selected.

In our case, we truly love the birth mother of our daughter and her family so having an ongoing relationship is a blessing. I see it growing and maturing over time.

I was talking with an adoptive mom recently who re...

2009-11-09T18:49:28.724-08:00

I was talking with an adoptive mom recently who related a story about being in the supermarket with her 4-year-old daughter. The clerk addressed the daughter and said, "Did you get your pretty blue eyes from your mother." The 4-year-old replied, "Yes, I got my blue eyes from my tummy mommy. This is my everyday mommy." Obviously the little girl was totally comfortable with having two mommies - because her two mommies were also comfortable with it.

@Anonymous - Open adoption certainly isn't just a ...

2009-11-08T13:58:43.113-08:00

@Anonymous - Open adoption certainly isn't just a mother/female issue. I suspect it's a numbers thing. The roundtable participants represent only a tiny fraction of the total number of bloggers writing about open adoption, and of that total number, a fairly small percentage seem to be male. If you know of a male blogger who might be interested in participating, let me know and I'll try my hand at some recruiting.

Is this only a mother/female issue? Where are the ...

2009-11-08T13:07:00.877-08:00

Is this only a mother/female issue? Where are the men/fathers?

Heather, there is a glitch in my other blog, so ca...

2009-11-07T17:15:49.000-08:00

Heather, there is a glitch in my other blog, so can I submit a new link?
http://shmode.wordpress.com/2009/11/06/round-the-table-again-for-9/

It's the same post as I crosspost some of my stuff.

Mine's up! http://tinyurl.com/yfvzhek

2009-11-07T07:11:59.179-08:00

Mine's up! http://tinyurl.com/yfvzhek

http://www.weebleswobblog.com/2009/11/open-adoptio...

2009-11-07T06:08:05.556-08:00

http://www.weebleswobblog.com/2009/11/open-adoption-roundtable-9-adoptees.html

Oh boy, here's mine. http://nosceresworld.co.uk/w...

2009-11-06T14:22:21.645-08:00

Oh boy, here's mine.

http://nosceresworld.co.uk/wpmu/shmode/2009/11/06/round-the-table-again-for-9/

here's my contribution: http://lifefromhere.wordp...

2009-11-05T21:48:40.519-08:00

here's my contribution:
http://lifefromhere.wordpress.com/2009/11/05/open-adoption-roundtable-on-openness/

thanks, heather.

http://infertilitylicks.blogspot.com/ Here's my p...

2009-11-05T21:11:14.813-08:00

http://infertilitylicks.blogspot.com/

Here's my post. A subject that hits close to home for me in so many different ways. Good topic

Hi, I don't mind either way. just seeing it writt...

2009-11-05T20:41:40.409-08:00

Hi,
I don't mind either way. just seeing it written like that it could easily be taken to support the 'closed adoption' position, which was obviously not my intent!

Here's mine http://mamavalerius.blogspot.com/2009...

2009-11-05T15:06:53.899-08:00

Here's mine

http://mamavalerius.blogspot.com/2009/11/open-adoption-roundtable-9.html

@Elly - I understood what you meant! But I can see...

2009-11-05T14:08:56.401-08:00

@Elly - I understood what you meant! But I can see how it might be interpreted differently, taken out of context as it is. I can pull a different quote, if you'd like.

I wanted to clarify the comment that was quoted in...

2009-11-05T13:59:32.520-08:00

I wanted to clarify the comment that was quoted in the post. I didn't mean that adoption is particularly or unusually confusing to kids, thus justifying closed adoption. I mean that kids find many things confusing because their knowledge and understanding is developing. I think there is an assumption that they come equipped with our 'knowledge' of what is normal or acceptable and if their experiences differ from that it is going to affect them.

I believe that kids think that whatever they know is normal. As they are exposed to other situations they will expand and refine their views. This happens throughout life - as in when people move to other countries and experience 'culture shock'. I'm glad I thought about this more because rather than worrying me about what we tell DS, I am content to tell him about himself and realize that it is more important to equip him to relate to others who might not understand his background. And that is partly by me learning to model good 'adoption related behavior' to others who question me about it.

I think adoption is complicated, whether it's open...

2009-11-05T09:14:20.070-08:00

I think adoption is complicated, whether it's open or not. I would like our adoption to be more open, and I think cultivating that openness is our responsibility as adoptive parents. However, I still have mixed feelings about all of it.

http://henry-street.blogspot.com/2009/11/open-adoption-roundtable-9.html

I agree with what everyone said - this conversatio...

2009-11-05T07:04:37.426-08:00

I agree with what everyone said - this conversation will surely be a lengthy one filled with interesting arguments on both sides!

http://sturdyyetfragile.blogspot.com/2009/11/oart-9.html

I wrote! i could have gone on longer but it got pr...

2009-11-04T22:03:06.630-08:00

I wrote! i could have gone on longer but it got pretty long so I shut myself up http://therapyisexpensive.wordpress.com/2009/11/04/open-adoption-roundtable-9/

I feel a bit over-evangelical talking about open a...

2009-11-04T20:58:44.926-08:00

I feel a bit over-evangelical talking about open adoption... When we first embarked on the adoption journey we had a session with an adoption counselor. She firmly pointed out to us that open adoption is about the child, not about the parents. I get the feeling that too many a-parents who are fixed on a closed or semi-open adoption are doing it because they aren't comfortable with the child's birthfamily. But his (our son's) birthfamily is his family. I don't want him to be afraid to be curious, or interested. Or surprised. Or try to figure out himself how to 'make contact'.

I find the 'children get confused' argument irritating. Yes, children might get confused. Kids do! They are still learning about human relationships. As a small child, I couldn't understand why we called our neighbors 'aunt and uncle' but their kids weren't our cousins. I learned. Not having contact doesn't change that your child has two sets of parents.

Having said all that, my husband finds the contact strange and it is mostly my domain. But that is true of many family issues, anyway! I love DS's bmom. Thanks to her, I am a mom. I can't imagine her not being able to see him growing up. It seems like a small repayment for what I have gained to send her photos, letters and let her be part of his life to the extent I can.

I could write more, too! It is a short answer and I'm sure there are holes which others will point out.

Ugh...I maybe should have sat this one out...but h...

2009-11-04T18:42:06.424-08:00

Ugh...I maybe should have sat this one out...but here you go anyway:

http://adoptionpuzzle.blogspot.com/2009/11/crawls-up-out-of-nanowrimo-land.html

That I wrote it today is a sign of my true dedication to the Roundtable. I wrote 3341 words earlier today for NaNoWriMo (bringing my total to 9507 in 4 days)...and then found the prompt and still managed to write a decent length post...

Awesome--I couldn't stop talking. =D http://susieb...

2009-11-04T17:25:53.934-08:00

Awesome--I couldn't stop talking. =D http://susiebook.wordpress.com/2009/11/04/open-adoption-roundtable-9/