Comments on Production, Not Reproduction | A blog about open adoption and home of Open Adoption Bloggers: Book Club: Lifegivers

excellent contribution. I love how you summed up ...

2010-06-17T23:23:15.625-07:00

excellent contribution. I love how you summed up what the book covers in a paragraph while I went on for a page...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sometime...

2010-06-17T21:05:57.859-07:00

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sometimes feels I have to "measure up" to birthparent expectations -- when they're really my expectations. You captured this wonderfully.

I especially liked your thoughts on the first ques...

2010-06-16T11:42:41.833-07:00

I especially liked your thoughts on the first question. I hadn't been conscious of the same pressures, but now that I see them spelled out, I can say they are familiar.

So now I know what's for dinner tonight ;-)

Your pressures rang true with me. My biggest is th...

2010-06-16T10:07:43.362-07:00

Your pressures rang true with me. My biggest is that things changed and I now have to work outside the home for awhile. I feel tremendous guilt over that one, knowing that she wanted that for her daughter.
'For that to happen, adoptive parents and first parents alike need to view birth families as more than just sources of medical history or players whose active role ended at placement.' Powerful statement. One of those I wish every adoptive parent could understand, even those that don't have an open adoption.

Great review. Hope you don't mind I'm going to reference your pressures in a post.

You've articulated pressures that I feel very ...

2010-06-16T08:25:42.417-07:00

You've articulated pressures that I feel very often. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Thanks so much for sharing, it is always so intere...

2010-06-16T07:53:45.146-07:00

Thanks so much for sharing, it is always so interesting to get everyone else's perspectives.

I have fleetingly felt those same self-created pre...

2010-06-16T07:43:44.884-07:00

I have fleetingly felt those same self-created pressures, but couldn't express it as well as you did. My daughter is still very young, but those pressures are buzzing around in my head already...

Hi there. Great post! I'm new to the "blo...

2010-06-16T07:26:26.400-07:00

Hi there. Great post! I'm new to the "blogosphere" and am very glad I happened upon yours. I had a few thoughts I wanted to share on your book Q&A.

"the point Gritter kept coming back to about first parents being regular people in unusual circumstances doing the best they can is something that can also be said about adoptive parents (although obviously our experiences are much different)."

-One very common assumption is that birth parents' lives are unstable and chaotic as a result of poverty. There is often a tacit assumption that "if you could afford to parent you would." Any time I tell someone my partner and I chose to make an adoption plan because we didn't want to parent I'm met by a blank stare. If I mention that she didn't have a job at the time suddenly understanding and empathy begin pouring out. That assumption places a burden on the adoptive parents to provide more and better than the birth family could financially. Essentially if there aren't toys, new clothes, and vacations galore you're not living up to your end of the bargain. Similarly it sets the expectation that the birthfamily will remain in the role of the supplicant.

On the notion of voluntary vs involuntary surrender I think there is still merit to differentiating. The heart of both experiences is loss which will drive those capable to serious self inquiry. The results of that inquiry will be very different. No doubt the experience of inadequacy, shame, loss, and sadness will be very much the same. However the distinction I feel is still worth making is how one accepts and processes the pregnancy/parenting/adoption experience as a whole. To steal your own terms, the value of these experiences doesn't change, but the shape may be altered drastically.