tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post3801465324847979644..comments2012-01-20T09:01:54.046-08:00Heather Schadehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17535502003333457420noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post-52543685435983379452012-01-20T09:01:54.046-08:002012-01-20T09:01:54.046-08:00A few things really hit me in this amazing post.<br /><br />First, &quot;No matter what degree of contact we may have, I think we have to realize that ultimately our children&#39;s empowerment or healing (or whatever words they decide best fit them) is a task they will finish independent of us.&quot;<br /><br />Yes yes yes! It gets to a point where we need to find our own way. It&#39;s so great to have the support of our parents behind us, but we must finish the healing ourselves. Thank you so much for recognizing that.<br /><br />Next, thanks for realizing that while adoption can mess with anybody&#39;s mind, it doesn&#39;t break them permanently. I&#39;m a different person than had I not be adopted and I&#39;ll be dealing with the effects for the rest of my life. I was also in a car accident. I&#39;ll always deal with that for the rest of my life whenever I drive in snow. I was bullied. I&#39;ll always deal with that when someone starts taunting me. Am I damaged forever? No! I chose to be a stronger person for those experiences. I drive more cautiously in the snow and therefore am a better driver. When I start to feel like I&#39;m going back to that place where I was bullied, I take a step back and see how far I&#39;ve come since then and how small the other person is compared to everything else I&#39;ve been through. Not broken, not unaffected, just dealing with life. Thanks for acknowledging that!Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07905673873066445519noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post-90024757532154019672012-01-19T08:10:05.123-08:002012-01-19T08:10:05.123-08:00<i>@<b>Jennifer</b> - It is such a treat to have the author participating in this tour. I admit it was also a little nerve-racking as a blogger, knowing you would be reading! Thank you so much for engaging with us as we interacted with your book.</i>Heatherhttp://www.productionnotreproduction.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post-20286461968846945392012-01-18T15:13:23.128-08:002012-01-18T15:13:23.128-08:00<i>@<b>Kate</b> - Thank </i>you<i> for taking a chance and reading. I know that feeling of needing to be drawn back in to a difficult conversation.<br /><br />@<b>Meylnda</b>, @<b>Tonya</b>, @<b>Kelsey</b> - Thank you so much for reading, and for your kind words.<br /><br />@<b>Lori</b> - Thank you for organizing this great tour--and for your flexibility with me in my overwhelmed state.</i>Heatherhttp://www.productionnotreproduction.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post-48782797758216517132012-01-18T10:25:44.918-08:002012-01-18T10:25:44.918-08:00I have to agree with Melynda on both of her points. Your words hit me too, and I could not agree more with Melynda on what she said.<br /><br />I will add that I also liked what you said here: &quot;That&#39;s part of my motivation for open adoption: to enable the kids to keep those connections with their birth parents, to give them that additional resource to use as they develop their self-identities and incorporate their adoptions into their identities.&quot; I hope you know that this will make a huge difference in their lives. To allow your children to have their own thoughts and feelings to how they came to be will only help them to move through their life, and all that it may bring with it. <br /><br />Thank you for the amazing read!Kelsey Stewart, Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11772746376820263241noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post-80272310055175610612012-01-17T20:16:33.629-08:002012-01-17T20:16:33.629-08:00That (in your first paragraph)is a fantastic synopsis of the book.<br /><br />With my children now, I am moving out of the little kid stage, so the answer to your second question speaks to me. &quot;Ultimately our children&#39;s empowerment or healing is a task they will finish independent of us.&quot; I kind of stopped there. Yikes, I hope I&#39;ve laid the ground work well.<br /><br />Thanks for being part of this tour :-)Lavender Luzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15394441222262940632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post-33737691533664633932012-01-17T19:20:27.037-08:002012-01-17T19:20:27.037-08:00I love your response to the second question, especially your definition of openness. While I think that&#39;s the way we approach adoption in our household, I had never really thought through how much open adoption is really about the attitude you have as much (if not more so) than the level of contact you have with the birth family.<br /><br />Like others, I also love your comment about recognizing that adoption affects your children, but not assuming they are permanently &quot;broken&quot; because of it. I often get so frustrated when there is the implication that &quot;every&quot; adopted child will be a certain way -- and you said it beautifully -- every person deals with the experiences of their life in their own unique way.Tonyahttp://www.mommymusings.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post-32290032794353072522012-01-17T15:52:56.149-08:002012-01-17T15:52:56.149-08:00Thank you for your very thoughtful comments and for this in particular: <br /><br />&quot;It made me think of the grounding I witness when Eddie is with his birth dad, the indescribable rightness there is when they are together. (A father-child connection the primal wound conversation too often doesn&#39;t make room for, unfortunately.)&quot;<br /><br />Perfectly written and vitally important. There was and is a groundedness in the end of the book that was not in the beginning and that was my intent. <br /><br />Since having met my mother, we have re-reunited and all is well. I have asked her to hold me, in a series of &quot;adult bonding&quot; type exercises designed for couples in the work of Harville Hendrix. My grounded quality continues, although I have a long, long ways to go. <br /><br />Thank you for your openness. Thank you.jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557337686714059159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post-33008638183763866212012-01-17T12:36:44.577-08:002012-01-17T12:36:44.577-08:00You said two things that really hit home with me. The first, &quot;I don&#39;t assume Eddie and Mari are unaffected by adoption, but neither do I approach them as permanently damaged. Neither would be fair to the complex, amazing people they are and are becoming.&quot; I hope that my daughter&#39;s adoptive parents held the same view as they raised her, acknowledging that adoption can affect children in profound ways, but not treating her as if she was damaged goods. Only time will reveal her truth. <br /><br />I also loved when you said about the book, &quot;There was a sense of grounded-ness at the close of the book that contrasted with the rootlessness of her childhood and early adulthood.&quot; That is what I saw in this book as well, that is the hope I refer to in my blog post. Hope that if adoption negatively affected my daughter, that she will be able eventually find herself and be healed from it. <br /><br />Thank you for this excellent post - very thought provoking stuff.Melyndahttp://letterstomsfeverfew.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19220163.post-30049528773497753242012-01-17T11:10:44.069-08:002012-01-17T11:10:44.069-08:00I just received the email with the update of a new post from your blog and was not sure if I was going to read it. I had virtually walked away from this book tour after Friday. Since I have been following your blog for a while and usually learn a lot from your posts I decided to open up the email. I am so glad I did. <br /><br />Your perspective is one that I really needed to read. I had been getting stuck (translation angry) with the implication that my boys were doomed solely due to the fact that they had been adopted. <br /><br />Your comments were exactly what I needed to hear - this entire paragraph but particularly the following. &quot;I don&#39;t assume Eddie and Mari are unaffected by adoption, but neither do I approach them as permanently damaged. Neither would be fair to the complex, amazing people they are and are becoming. I get very mama bear protective when people are deterministic about my children, whether it&#39;s to say, &quot;Oh, they&#39;ll be fine because they were adopted as infants/in open adoptions/are so loved/etc.&quot; or to say they are inherently broken. I&#39;m trying to be open to a whole range of possibilities and learn from as many different adopted adults&#39; perspectives as I can, so I am able to engage with them as they process and integrate their adoptions in their own unique ways.&quot;<br /><br />Thank you for your words which drew me back into this important book tour. I am looking forward to continuing to read the other perspectives and learn as much as I can.Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16207631504625654272noreply@blogger.com